Against the Odds
by Ocean of Ashes
Summary: A few months after Gallant dies, Neela gives birth, and finds motherhood, and coming to terms with her husband's death, hard. But there's someone who's willing to help her.
1. The die is cast

Disclaimer: All material related to the ER does not belong to me. The original idea for this story also did not come from me; it came as a result of an appeal for inspiration on one of my other stories, Choices, which was very kindly answered by my faithful reviewer, YOUPIN, whose comment sparked the thought process than led to this.

Author's Note: Here goes the next story. Again, I'm aiming for something a bit different than the usual. I'm still avidly writing my other story, Choices, but this one is forming itself very quickly in my mind, so I decided to get writing. As far as the timing of this goes, this begins a few months after Michael's death. However, as I didn't see a lot of season 12, I don't have a very good grip on the timescale of what went on, so please take the timings of events prior to the story beginning with a pinch of salt. I hope it makes sense to you.

'Come on Neela, you can do it. One last push and you're there.'

Abby brushed her friend's hair out of her eyes, and stroked her face encouragingly. Neela had been in labour for almost thirty hours, each of one them worse than the last. She was on every kind of pain med they could pump into her, but with every contraction came a new agony. She had only the tiniest drop of energy left, and Abby wasn't sure what would happen if it took more than one last push.

Neela fell back on the pillow, utterly exhausted. 'I can't Abby,' she sobbed. 'No more, please make it go away.' Tears of pain and despair streamed down her face unchecked, as they had been for the last few hours. She couldn't stand it any longer. She felt like she'd been shut in this room, fighting against the agony that was ripping through her forever. In her mind, a time where it didn't hurt no longer existed. Before it had started, she had thought that the emotional pain she had suffered over the last months was the worst pain you could possibly feel, but now she wasn't so sure. With every contraction, she felt like she was going to die, and she was beginning to reach the stage where it wouldn't be altogether unwelcome.

'Yes you can sweetie. Yes you can.' Her fingers were crushing Abby's hand but as they had been for over a day, she couldn't feel them anymore, so it didn't really matter.

She was saying all the right things but Abby wasn't entirely sure Neela could actually manage another push. Her own labour had been terrifying, because of everything else that was going on, but it was nothing like this never ending, draining hell. If nothing else, she wasn't quite so sorry about her hysterectomy anymore. She had seen some awful labours in her time, but now she was able to empathise a bit more, and she was in shock at the endless pain her friend was in.

In fact, Abby was still a little bit in shock about Neela being pregnant at all. She had only told her a month ago. Abby wondered why she had kept it hidden for so long, but with Michael's death, she imagined that it would be incredibly hard, and having his baby as a reminder of him might be more bitter than sweet in the early days. Even that taken into consideration though, Abby had a little niggling feeling that there was something amiss. For instance, Neela hadn't been taking care of herself at all during the pregnancy. She hadn't given up work until three weeks ago, after Abby had spent the week since Neela had admitted her condition constantly persuading, badgering and bullying her into getting some rest, and you only had to look at her to see she hadn't been eating properly for months. Her face was drawn and haggard, and except for her distended middle, the rest of her was all bones. It was no wonder the labour was proving so hard.

And as for this whole insistence on having the baby at Mercy… well. As soon as Abby had persuaded her to start making arrangements for the birth, Neela had been absolutely determined that she wasn't going to go to County. Despite Abby's exhortations for her to see some sense; she would be closer to friends and support, she would be in familiar surroundings, she was immovable about it, to the point of irrationality.

The next contraction began and Abby encouraged her again. She was so tired it hurt, so she couldn't imagine what this was like for Neela.

'This is it Neela, this is it. This is going to be the one. Push, come on, _push_.'

Neela rallied, using her very last reserves of strength for one final effort, and let out an agonising scream that shattered Abby's eardrums. Finally, at long last, a thin cry pierced the room.

'Well done Neela,' the midwife said, 'you've got yourself a healthy little girl.' Neela had fallen back on the pillow again, completely exhausted, and showed no interest in the woman's words. Her eyes had shut, and they didn't even flicker at the news of her child.

Oh Neela,' Abby hugged her tightly. 'Oh my love.' She was blinking back tears.

The midwife had finished tidying up the baby and held her out. 'Here we go Mum, do you want to hold your daughter?'

Much to the woman's surprise, but less so to Abby's, Neela blinked her eyes open then shut them again quickly and turned her head away. 'I'm sorry, I can't. I'm too tired, I…'

Neela's stomach clenched at the suggestion of holding her baby. All she could think about was Michael's words in the video he had left her. _Have babies_. He would never have meant this soon. He was barely cold in the earth. Of course, he had never known about her pregnancy. He had died without ever knowing his wife was expecting a child.

Normally, the midwife would have pushed the point a little further, but not every woman had as hard a time of it as this young English doctor had, so she left her alone.

She handed the child to another of the nurses and busied herself with the afterbirth. Abby stroked Neela's forehead gently. 'Neela, why don't you hold her? Listen, she's crying, she wants her Mum.'

Neela opened her eyes, and Abby shied away a little at the look she saw in them. However much the labour had hurt, there was something now that was hurting her more. Neela looked up at her imploringly.

'I can't Abby. I just… can't.'

'I'm not going to pretend to know how you're feeling right now Honey, but I knew Michael too, and I know he would want you to be happy. Your daughter is all you have left to remind you of him, and in years to come, you'll be grateful for that.' She noticed Neela shut her eyes again at the mention of her husband. She clearly wasn't ready to deal with all this yet.

Abby turned to the nurse, who was softly cooing to the baby. 'Can I hold her please?' She held out her arms.

The nurse smiled at her. 'Yes, of course you can.' The woman put the child into Abby's outstretched arms and Abby looked down at the tiny creature. Now being a mother herself had uncovered her maternal instincts, the feel of a baby in her arms brought a warm glow to her.

She looked like Neela, she decided, with the typical newborn blotchy red skin, and a little of her mother's dark hair. Abby gazed at her for a minute, before a feeling of unease began to filter through the joy. The scrap she was holding _did_ have the red skin of a newborn, it was true, but should she? With Michael and Neela as parents, should she not have darker skin than that? She looked as if she was paler, more… olive.

Abby turned to Neela, to see her staring back at her.

'Neela…?'

She held her gaze, forcing an answer out of her. When it came, it was full of pain. 'Now do you understand? Now do you see why I didn't tell anyone, why I wouldn't go to County…'

And Abby did see. The child she was cradling was Neela's daughter all right, but Michael wasn't her father. She did some quick arithmetic. Nine months. That would be around the time of Neela's wedding.

There was only one person it could be, and Neela knew that Abby would guess right away. It wasn't like she would ever have been unfaithful to Michael for just anyone.

Abby stared at her for a very long time, allowing a silence to fall between them. Then she turned around, and handed the child back to the nurse. 'I'm going to make a phone call.' She started for the door, but didn't get far before Neela cried out to her.

'Abby, please don't. He can't know, he can't ever know,' she begged desperately. Tired and emotional, the tears started again, but Abby hardened her heart. She didn't know what to think. Neela had always been the good one. She had a moral code that was a fundamental part of her, and Abby found it hard to believe she could have acted like this. It wasn't so much the adultery that she found so shocking, given the situation and the complicated feelings that had abounded, Abby wasn't completely surprised by that, but the lies? Neela had never struck her as a dishonest person before.

'Of course he has to know. You've had nine months to tell him, and not gotten round to it, so I think it's about time _someone_ let him know he's a father.'

'No,' she sobbed. 'Please… Please don't tell him, please don't tell anyone.'

Abby took pity on her in spite of herself. She was obviously devastated by what had happened, and she had no-one else to turn to. She was still grieving the loss of her husband, and her family were thousands of miles away. Without her support, Abby knew Neela would be very very scared, and very very alone. She was her friend, and she couldn't do that to her.

She went over to her, and held her hand, looking down at her softly. 'Neela, I'm not going to judge you. I'm not saying I approve, but it's none of my business, and anyway, it's done. But I will judge you if don't do the right thing now.' She paused. 'Please let me go and call him.'

'I'm so scared Abby. I was going to tell him. Every day I told myself that today would be the day. Today would be the day that I told him the truth. And then, after him, Michael. But I was too much of a coward. I was, I still am, absolutely racked and riddled with guilt, but still I couldn't do it. And then Michael died, and I pushed him away. He tried to help me, but I could hardly look at him. Everything about him reminded me of my betrayal.'

'Well, today is going to be the day. Whatever's happened, the secret is out now, and don't you think he deserves to know before anyone else?'

Neela nodded wearily. 'Okay. Go and call him.' Abby leant down and kissed her forehead gently.

'It's going to be all right, Neela. I promise you.'

Neela appreciated Abby's support; she had been a tower of strength through this horrific labour, but her last words sounded hollow. There was no way any of this would ever, ever be all right.


	2. Revelations

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you for the fantastic reception you have given this fic - most reviews I've ever had for one chapter, so I'm chuffed to bits. I hope it lives up to expectations! Sorry it's taken a while to get this chapter up; Choices is still the primary story I'm working on, but since this one has gone down so well, I am making the effort to devote a bit more time to it. Oh, and even though I didn't see the episode with Neela's wedding, I don't think things went as I have portrayed them here, but please go with it, as this is what works with the story.

'Ray, there's a call for you.' Frank held out the phone to him as he stood by the admit desk, pretending to look over a couple of charts. He couldn't take his mind off Neela. She'd been in labour forever now, and they were all on tenterhooks.

Ray reached out and took it. 'Ray Barnett.'

'Ray, it's me.' Abby sounded absolutely exhausted.

It was as noisy as Hell, some drunk was shouting his head off in one of the exam rooms, and he covered his other ear in frustration. He could hardly hear her.

'Abby, what's happened? Has she had the baby? Is everything okay?'

She deliberately didn't answer any of his questions. She didn't want to worry him, although she knew she was, but this had to be done face to face. 'Can you come over to Mercy please?'

'What was that Abby? I can't hear you.' He turned around, looking for some help. 'Sam, can you go and shut that guy up. I don't care _what_ you do to him, just make him be quiet.'

Sam was surprised at Ray's aggressive tone and glanced over at Frank, who mouthed who was on the phone to her, then she understood. They were all worried about Neela, but Ray had been pale and drawn all day. He had been working for well over twenty four hours now; his shift had ended hours ago, but every time Luka had tried to send him home, he had refused angrily. The idea of sitting at home on his own, worrying about her was not appealing. Sam hurried off to the exam room to see to the offending patient.

He waited a moment for the shouting to stop. 'Sorry Abby, say again.'

'I said, I think you had better get down here.'

Fear gripped his heart. Oh God. Please, let her be okay. I don't care what happens to me, I'll do anything, just please, please let her be all right.

'Abby, what's happened? Whatever it is, just tell me.'

She could hear how frightened he was, and kicked herself that she couldn't think of another way to do this, but she had to get him down here. 'I'm sorry Ray, I'm not trying to scare you, but please just don't ask any questions, come here as quickly as you can.'

He took a deep breath. She wasn't going to tell him, he knew her well enough to know. There was only one thing he could do. 'I'm on my way.'

He dropped the phone back in its cradle just as Luka came past. 'Luka, I have to go.'

Luka shook his head. 'I'm sorry Ray, but I can't let you. Look around, it's crazy here.' He could see the anguish in the younger man's eyes, but it was too busy to be a doctor down, and besides, it wasn't like Ray and Neela were actually… If it was his child, it might be different.

'Luka, come on. I just got a call from Abby asking me to get over there. Please.'

Luka raised an eyebrow in surprise. 'Abby told you to?'

'Yes, that's what I said.' Ray tried not to sound too frustrated, even though he felt like he was climbing the walls.

'Fine, go. But don't be long.' Ray was already gone.

He drove like a lunatic across town, all the time making bargains with God, offering pretty much anything in return for her being okay. He repeated his prayers like a mantra, trying and failing to stay calm.

Abby was waiting for him in the reception area of the maternity ward. She saw him come running towards her, his face as white as a sheet and scarcely disguised terror dancing behind his eyes. He was still wearing a set of scrubs, and had obviously dashed straight over as soon as she called.

'Abby, Abby, I'm here, what is it? Please, just tell me. Is she all right? If anything's happened to her, just… say it.' He was breathless, and not just from the running.

She reached out and took his hands, trying to reassure him. 'Calm down Ray, she's all right. She's utterly exhausted and was in a lot of pain, but she's all right. And she's had the baby; it's a little girl.'

He let out a sigh of relief. It was only then that he realised he was trembling. 'Oh thank God. Abby, you scared the Hell out of me. I thought…' He shook his head, not wanting to think about that. 'It doesn't matter what I thought.'

As the relief filtered through, a thought struck him. If everything was all right, why had Abby demanded that he come here with such urgency? He gave her a wary look, sensing he wasn't out of the woods yet.

'Abby, why am I here?'

There was a guilty look in her eye. She was hiding something from him, he was sure of it. 'Neela really is okay isn't she?'

'Yes.'

'And the baby?'

'Yes.'

'Then… why?' He wished she would just come out with it.

She started to lead him down the corridor. 'I want to show you something.'

He stood firm, not letting her pull him with her. 'Abby, I'll give you one warning. Believe me when I say I am _really _not in the mood for this. You've dragged me down here, I've nearly been sick with fear that something happened to her, Luka's half tempted to sack me for walking out and you won't even give me a decent explanation.'

Abby could understand that he was angry with her, but she had it in her head the best way to do this, and she wanted to stick with it. Finding out that Neela had kept such a huge and important secret from him was going to hurt an awful lot, and she wanted the blow to fall as softly as possible.

'I'm sorry Ray, but please, just come with me. I'm not trying to mess with your head, just bear with me.'

He gave in to the appealing look she gave him, and cracked a tentative smile. 'This is your last chance, Lockhart.'

She tugged at his hand, making him follow her. They came to a halt in front of the nursery, a line of cots on the other side of the glass.

'Okay, I'm here, I see babies.'

She turned to stare at him, and her eyes were serious. 'Neela's daughter is the third from the right. Look at her Ray, look at her carefully.'

He counted in from the right hand side, along the line of cots. His gaze settled on the cot that Abby had pointed out to him, and the baby lying in it. He wasn't much of a one for young children; they all looked the same in his opinion. But this little one was all Neela. A soft smile played about his lips as she waved a little fist at him. He felt a rush of love for her in spite of himself. Who cared that another man was her father? She was Neela's daughter and he loved her for it. Not that it was anything to do with him of course, she wasn't anything to do with him, and Neela wouldn't appreciate his sentiments of course, she had barely spoken to him for weeks, and even then only in relation to a patient. That was part of the reason why he was so confused at Abby dragging him down here.

And then the more he stared at her, the more something seemed amiss. She did look like Neela, but a paler form of her. Some of the berry redness of being newly born had begun to fade now, and she was showing signs of a beautiful olive complexion. Paler than Neela. A lot paler than Michael. In fact, impossibly pale to be Michael's daughter. His heart began to race as the pieces began to come together in his mind. If Michael wasn't her father, then it must be… It was nine months since the night before Neela's wedding. It was nine months since…

Very slowly, he turned to look at Abby, who was watching him carefully. She could see from the shock written all over his face that he had really had no idea, not the slightest inkling, that the baby could have been his.

He tried to speak, but all he could manage were a few feeble stutters. 'Abby… I had no… Oh God. Is…' He gave up. There were no words, no words at all.

He looked so stricken she had to reach out and hug him. 'Do you want to tell me what happened?'

'Do I have a choice?'

'Nope. Come on, let's go to the cafeteria.'

They sat down at a plastic table, and drank the grim coffee they served out of cardboard cups. Luckily years of working in hospitals had immunised them against the standard of coffee on offer.

As he brought the cup up to his lips, she noticed his hands were shaking.

He could see her watching him, waiting for him to begin. 'I don't know where to start Abby. I don't know what to say.'

She smiled encouragingly at him. 'I'm not going to judge you Ray, I know how you feel about her. And you can tell me to mind my own business if you like, but I think you need to talk about this.'

Normally she was all for people dealing with their own problems in their own way and in their own time; it was the way she did it, so she didn't usually try to interfere with others, but she felt this was a special case. Neither Ray nor Neela had any family around, and no particularly close friends other than each other, and that was in tatters, so she felt it was her responsibility to stick around and help them.

'She's mine, isn't she?'

'Well, you'd know that better than me Ray. Could she be yours?'

He nodded. 'What did Neela say?'

'She said she's yours.' She hadn't actually, in so many words, but Abby knew that was what she was implying. 'When did you…?'

Ray sighed deeply. He had thought all this was over. Ever since it had happened, he had carried around with him a small flame of hope that she would suddenly change her mind and leave Michael but he had known all along it was a forlorn hope, and even though he knew he'd never stop loving her, he had come to terms with the fact that it was never going to be, not even now that she was a widow. But now…? They had a child together. It could change everything.

'The night before she got married, she turned up at the apartment. I don't know what she was meant to be doing, I thought she was going out for drinks but she didn't. I asked her, wasn't she meant to be somewhere, and she said, yes, here.'

He paused, trying to force out the memory that came flooding back to him. It was a recollection he saved only for those cold lonely nights when he felt like the world was ending.

'We didn't do a lot of talking. I didn't ask her why, and she didn't say. And then in the morning…' Abby could see the hurt in his eyes. 'She married him anyway. She said she was sorry, but…' He shrugged. 'And that's what happened.'

There was a long pause. Abby wanted to say something to help, but she sensed he just needed a little time to absorb everything that was going on. He had had one Hell of a shock, a life changing one. And she had a sneaking feeling that once the total surprise of it all had worn off, it wouldn't be altogether unwelcome. Ray was very much still in love with Neela, everyone knew that. As awful as Michael's death and all this was, there was the potential for something good to come out of it.

Finally, he looked up at her, meeting her steady gaze. A slow but nervous smile spread across his face. 'I'm a father Abby. I have a daughter. I'm actually a Dad.'


	3. Emotions

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Sorry for the fair while before the update. Thank you for the reviews, and to let you know, I have been planning to go further into the background of this, as I agree that some explanation is necessary. I might try and incorporate this into the story but I am _really _not a fan of flashbacks, so they will probably appear as one-shots, clearly marked as companion pieces to this, so keep an eye out for them (although I probably won't start on them until my other story, Choices, is finished). Anyway, enough of the chatter, the next chapter is what you're really here for, I'm sure.

Neela laid her head back on her pillow, and closed her eyes. She was exhausted from lack of sleep and of course the labour, and all she wanted to do was just drift away and forget everything for a little while, or even a long while if she could manage it. She was desperate for a peaceful escape from the endless cycle of thoughts and recriminations that were going around and around in her head, even if only temporarily. She had a splitting headache which made her feel like her skull was going to crack in half and knew that sleep would be the only cure. There was a particularly chirpy nurse however, who seemed to have other things on her mind.

'Are you ready to have a go yet, Neela?'

She was referring to breast feeding the baby. It was the third time she had been into the room in the last twenty minutes, and she was slowly wearing Neela down. She knew she didn't stand a chance of any peace until she gave in, and as reluctant as she was to see her daughter, she was willing to do just about anything in exchange for a good sleep, so she knew she was close to succumbing.

'It's important to bond with your baby in these first few hours you know.'

Neela counted to ten under her breath before she answered, afraid she might rip the woman's head off. 'Yes, I know that.'

'Then what are you waiting for? Shall I go and get her from the nursery?' Her bright and enthusiastic smile made Neela want to hit her, and she wasn't sure that the feeling derived solely from hormones. Obviously the woman was lucky enough not to be a widowed, emotionally wrecked single mother in her late twenties, and was determined to let the whole world, and especially Neela, know how happy she was.

She would rather keep her feelings to herself, but in one last ditch attempt to put the nurse off, Neela spoke. 'Please don't. I'm not… I'm not sure if I want to bond with her.'

The nurse, to her credit, recognised the note of fear in Neela's quiet appeal, and sat down beside her, immediately losing her air of jollity. 'Why not Honey? I know you're scared; I was terrified with my first; but the minute you hold them in your arms, I promise you, you'll never feel anything like it in your life.'

That was what Neela was afraid of. She couldn't face the idea of loving someone again only to lose them. Once was enough for that. And what did she have to offer a baby? She lived in someone else's apartment, and had a job that meant that her child would spent two thirds of her life in childcare. And she was so emotionally mixed up at the moment that she was frightened of what that could do to a child. A responsible mother would never want to project such a cocktail of guilt and grief onto her child, but Neela wasn't sure how not to.

'It's just… I lost my husband a few months ago. I'm still grieving, and I'm in the biggest mess. My life is my job at the moment, I don't think I can take care of a child.' _And my best friend is the father of my baby, and I'm so scared of my feelings for him, I'd rather bury my head in the sand and hope it'll all go away. _She ignored the insistent little voice of truth in her head. Just because it's correct, it doesn't make it right, she thought to herself.

The nurse nodded slowly, beginning to understand. She reached out and gave her hand a sympathetic squeeze. 'I'm really sorry about your husband. Things must be so hard for you at the moment. But can I say…?'

She paused, not wanting to force her opinion, but she felt that this young mother needed some advice, and she was clearly alone enough to accept it from anyone.

Neela looked at her, asking her to finish her sentence.

'Don't make any snap decisions. If you want, I can find you someone to talk to about your options, but please just think about it before you do anything drastic. And see your baby; you can't make an informed decision unless you appreciate what you'd be giving up.' There was a little moment of silence. 'And I know it's not my place to say anything about it, but I'm sure your husband would want you look after his child.'

A pang of guilt gripped Neela. She didn't deserve this much understanding or kindness, and was quite sure she wouldn't get it if people knew the truth. In a way, she wanted people to know, then at least she would get the censure and disapproval she deserved.

'It's not that simple.'

_Get married. Have babies_. Michael's voice echoed in her head, as it had been ever since she had watched that damn video. She didn't want to do as he said; she was already married, she had a husband – him. And now she had a baby as well. Fate had dealt her a nasty blow in that her husband was dead, and the baby he had advised her to have had been fathered by the man she had cheated on her husband with. Was it all her fault, as she suspected, or was there a higher power somewhere with a grudge against her? Just where had her ordered little life fallen apart so spectacularly at the seams?

She knew the answer to that one, deep down. It all began with Ray, it all came back to Ray. _Everything_ had changed the moment he walked into her life. Whether it was for better or worse, she didn't know yet. She wasn't certain of anything anymore, except the disgust she felt for herself.

'Maybe not, I don't pretend to know. But I think he'd want you to be happy.'

Neela considered her words. She had a feeling it was a ploy to get her to bond with her daughter, but what the nurse had said still hit home hard. How could she consider giving her baby away without even looking at her? If she was going to make such a momentous decision, she had to consider every possible consequence

She stared out of the window. She had had too many difficult decisions to make over the last few months; she didn't want to make any more. But she knew she had to.

She let out a weary sigh. 'Can you go and fetch her please?'

The nurse looked at her deeply. 'Are you sure? I don't want to force you into anything.'

'No, I'm sure. I'm being a coward, I have to face this sometime.' Neela wasn't talking about having to face her daughter, although the nurse didn't know that. This was the first step in coming to terms with everything that had happened, Michael's death, and Ray. Especially Ray. She'd been in denial ever since she'd woken up next to him that morning, and felt such an overwhelming surge of love for him that it pushed every other single thought or feeling she had ever had out of her mind. She had been running scared ever since, and look what a mess that had got her into. It was time to do something about it; she just wasn't sure what yet.

The nurse left to fetch the baby and Neela waited silently. So much rested on the next few minutes that she felt her hands tremble a little, and took a deep breath to try to steady her nerves. The tick of the clock was deafening her in the quiet room, and each minute passed as if it were an hour.

Finally, the nurse returned, wheeling a hospital cot before her. She parked it up near the bed and leaned in to pick up the baby. Tentatively, Neela held out her arms for her, pushing the feeling of nausea down in her throat. She didn't think she'd ever been as scared as she was right now.

And then she was holding her daughter and a wave of emotion rushed over her and she felt she was going to drown in it. She wasn't sure what this, being a mother, made her feel. Looking down at the little scrap of humanity in her arms, she felt proud that in spite of her mistakes, and how everything she touched seemed to turn sour, she had still managed to produce something this perfect. The path of destruction she had set herself on hadn't been enough to taint or damage her child; she had given birth to a healthy, beautiful baby, which led her to think there just might be a glimmer of hope for her yet.

There was a feeling on anger rising in her alongside the pride though. Without this baby, she could let herself simply fade away to nothing, she could give up on living until she actually ceased to live, and the pain would be over. She would give anything for the pain to be over. But now, she had a reason to live, and she didn't want it. This child meant that she would have to, every day, get up and take care of herself and of the baby, go to work and just carry on. Neela saw a life of loneliness and an incessant struggle to cope stretching ahead of her, and she didn't like what she saw, but it was too late now. As the nurse had known, the minute she held the baby, that would be it. There was no going back now.

The baby started to cry, a lusty bawl that even the inexperienced Neela knew instinctively to be a cry of hunger. Mechanically, she loosened the tie of her gown and pushed it aside. Gently manoeuvring her daughter around a little in her arms, she offered her a dark breast, the nipple slightly beaded with milk, and she immediately clamped onto it, sucking hungrily. Neela smiled in spite of herself.

The nurse was positively beaming. 'Look at that, you're an absolute natural. It took me days to get the hang of that with mine.'

Neela felt a little glow of pride at being called a natural mother. It was the sort of compliment she had never imagined receiving, but it meant a lot to her. She just wasn't sure if it was true.

As she gazed down at the dark little head in her arms, she didn't see a tall figure standing in the doorway, watching quietly. After a long chat in the cafeteria, Abby had given Ray directions to Neela's room, a big hug, and an encouraging smile, and sent him on his way. He went to find her, entirely unsure of what he was hoping to say or do but certain of one thing; the girl he was in love with had just had his baby and there was absolutely no way he wasn't going to be a part of this. He was going to be there for Neela too, not just the baby. For a long time, he had carried an unattainable fantasy in his mind, but now he felt like he might have been handed the chance to make it come true.

He wanted to go in to them, but for a minute, he was content to watch the quiet, private moment as the nurse handed Neela the baby, and she held her for the first time. Abby had told him of Neela's refusal to hold the baby after the birth, so Ray felt enormously privileged to witness this. The sight of Neela, to him still beautiful despite the lines of exhaustion on her face and the dark circles under her eyes, as she undid the neck of her gown and offered an exquisite nipple to their daughter, moved him in ways he would never have thought possible. He said a little prayer that everything would be okay.

Eventually, when he decided if he didn't say anything now, then the lump in his throat might grow too big for him to ever be able to speak again, Ray raised a hand and knocked lightly at the open door. Neela looked around at him, her eyes wide.

His voice cracked with emotion as he spoke softly. 'Can I come in?'


	4. A new beginning

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: I kinda liked the last chapter, so I hope this one is as good. I'm getting into writing this story a bit more now so if you're lucky, I might update it a bit more often (review dependent of course!) And of course, thank you very much for all the reviews I've received so far - please keep it up!

Neela froze when she looked up and saw him standing there. Even from where he was hovering in the doorway, she could see that he was fighting back tears, which was a side to him she had never seen before. She couldn't imagine Ray crying. It seemed so far away from the nonchalant rock star she had first met. He looked very vulnerable leaning up against the doorframe, and it reminded her strongly of the night she left him.

_All good things, right?_ Nothing in her life had been good since the very moment he said those words. Until maybe now.

'Can I come in?'

She could hear the emotion in his voice, and it only served to add to her own. She couldn't begin to imagine how much she must have hurt him by not telling him this, but there was no animosity or scorn written into his features, just a vague sorrowful reproach. As if to say, why wouldn't you let me help you? Well, she thought, he had been looking at her like that for months, but the intensity of it had just increased tenfold. Part of her wanted him to shout and scream at her, it was no less than she deserved, but she knew he wouldn't. And she wasn't sure if she could face another day if he did.

'Umm, yes.' There were _so _many words to be said that she didn't know where to even begin, and she sensed that he didn't either.

He stepped tentatively into the room, unsure of how welcome he was. She'd been pushing him away for so long that he was half expecting her to throw him out on his ear even now.

The nurse looked swiftly from Neela to Ray, and back to Neela again, and her mind flitted back to the young mother's earlier assertion that the particulars of this pregnancy were not as simple as they might appear, and now she had an inkling why. This handsome man standing in the doorway was no brother or cousin. It was definitely time for her to leave. With a quickly uttered excuse, she quietly withdrew.

Ray waited for the door to close before he made his way across the room and sat down in the chair next to the bed. Both her hands were occupied with holding the baby, still drinking away contendedly, so he reached out and gently laid a hand on her leg over the blankets. He wasn't sure if he was allowed to touch her, but he needed to.

His hazel eyes were full of a deep sadness, and tears glistened on his lashes as he spoke. 'Why, Neela? Why didn't you tell me?'

'I…' She knew he deserved a proper answer, but she didn't have a clue how to explain to him everything she was feeling in a way that he could understand. If she didn't understand it all herself, then how could she find the right words to describe it all to someone else?

'Neela, why?' He begged. 'Just please tell me. All these months you've been carrying my child, _our_ child, and you never said a word. Abby said you knew she was mine. So please, why?'

The unashamed pleading in his voice made her feel terrible. She hadn't thought it was possible to feel worse than she had up until this point, but she was wrong.

'Ray, I don't know what to say.' She could barely bring herself to meet his eyes, but she made herself. He deserved that much. 'There's nothing I _can_ say that will in any way excuse or explain any of my actions over the last months. I've behaved appallingly and done wrong by you, by Michael, by myself, and especially by this little one.' She glanced down briefly at the baby in her arms, then back up at Ray earnestly.

'But why Neela? I need to understand.'

'Why do you need to? Why does it matter so much to you?' She thought she knew, but it would help her to hear him say the words. She knew she didn't deserve for him to make things any easier for her, but my God, it would help if he did.

He deliberately kept his voice quiet and low for the sake of the baby but despite his resolve not to get angry with her he couldn't help his temper flaring up. His fingers tightened around the flesh of her thigh and he leaned towards her, his eyes fiery.

'Jesus Neela, don't you think I deserve an explanation?'

She was immediately contrite; she knew she was in no position to make any sort of demands of him.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I was just trying to ask…' She searched hard to find the right words, any words, but they wouldn't come. 'Forget it. I don't know what I'm trying to say.' She did, but she wasn't ready to make that move, and she didn't feel like she had any right to anyway. After having rejected him over and over, how could she now ask for help?

'Well, it's about time you started saying something Neela. For months and months you've been giving me the silent treatment, running away from me, _pushing _me away when all I've been trying to do is help you.' He shook his head in consternation. 'I don't know why I've let you do it, but I've sat back and watched you punish yourself so much since Gallant died. Throughout this pregnancy you've been working like a demon and I know you haven't been looking after yourself.' He gave her a pained look as he sat back a little to take in the sight of her emaciated frame. 'You're wasting away. I… It hurts me so much to see you like this. Just please, let me help you.'

Once he had finished his emotional appeal, slowly, his fingers loosened their hold on her and as they did so, she carefully repositioned the baby in her arms so she had a hand free to reach out and take his. She touched him lightly at first, but when he turned his hand over to entwine his fingers in hers, she felt a little rush of confidence and tightened her grip a little.

As she looked at his stricken face, she felt a tear roll gently down her cheek. He wiped it away with a soft caress that said a lot more than words could. 'Can… can we just leave it at the moment that I'm happy you're here?' she asked him in a small voice.

Ray sighed. It wasn't much, but after the months of icy distance and her driving him away, it felt like a step forward. Even a little step felt like a leap of massive consequence. He squeezed her hand encouragingly.

'Yes Neela, that will do for now.' He looked at her deeply for a moment. 'Only for now though, you do know that, don't you?' He couldn't help but add a codicil to his acceptance of her escape route. He had been letting her run away from things for a long time, but there was too much at stake now to continue.

'I know. Just… please don't push me.'

'I'm sorry.'

'That's okay Ray.'

For a long time, they sat in an uneasy silence. Both were very conscious of how much had been left unsaid, but it all seemed just too much. They were both exhausted, Neela from giving birth and Ray from all the worry of the last hours, and neither had the energy or the courage to open the Pandora's Box of emotions that stood between them.

Ray just watched her. She had turned her attention to the child at her breast, giving him the opportunity to take in the scene before him. He was still in shock, he thought, that he was a father. The father of Neela's baby. It absolutely astounded him, as did the sight of her. Again, he was struck by her beauty, and the perfection of her with a miniature version of her in her arms. He couldn't quite believe the woman of his dreams was lying there before him, holding his child. It took his breath away.

Neela sensed the baby had just about had her fill and gently eased her away from her chest, quickly pulling up her gown, aware of Ray's eyes on her. She didn't feel embarrassed at him being there, but still she was keen to protect her dignity. She glanced sideways at Ray briefly. He looked utterly mesmerised, she thought, at the tiny creature in her arms.

'Do you… want to hold her?'

He didn't trust himself to answer, but Neela saw him swallow hard as he nodded. Just like hers had been, his hands were shaking as he stood up and reached out to gently take the baby from her. As he settled her in his arms, and sat back down, the tears began to flow freely.

He had always secretly, deep down, wanted to be a father, but holding this child, _his daughter_, was beyond anything he could ever have imagined. She had already drifted off into sleep thanks to her full tummy, and he looked down at her, wondering what dreams were flitting through that little mind behind her closed eyes and contented face. Just gazing down at her, he found himself promising to her that he would always, always be there to make all her dreams come true. He had always thought it would be a good feeling to know that you had brought a person, an actual living breathing human being into the world, but the sense of love and protection he felt for her overwhelmed him. He would die for her in an instant, no questions asked. And for her mother too.

He looked up at Neela. 'Are you as amazed by what we've done as I am?'

'Yes,' she admitted. 'I just can't help thinking at what cost all this has come.'

'I probably should be thinking that, but I can't. All I can think is that anything, and I mean _anything_, is worth this one moment. I can understand if you don't agree with that though.' He tried to be sensitive to her feelings surrounding her husband, but he had spent too long hiding the way he felt, and he couldn't do it anymore.

'I do agree, I think that's what bothers me.'

He nodded, understanding what she meant. She didn't literally mean Michael's death was worth it for this, but also that in a way she wouldn't change anything either.

She looked at him as he gazed down happily at their daughter. There was such a strong look of love and pride in his eyes that she almost couldn't bear to look at it. He looked like a man who, after years of fruitless searching without luck or success, had finally found a reason to live and a source of happiness. He would do anything for his daughter, you only had to look at him to see that.

And deep down, Neela knew that he had been looking at her in the same way too. Underneath all the hurt and confusion, right from the second she had seen him standing in the doorway, she knew that that same expression of love and pride had been in every glance directed at her as well.

It fuelled the small fire of hope that had begun to burn in her chest since the moment she held her daughter in her arms. Maybe, just maybe, her future might not be as bleak as she had forseen.

Ray's voice brought her out of her reverie and back into the room again. 'I've just thought of something I haven't asked. I can't believe I didn't think to.' He chuckled at himself incredulously for a second. 'What's her name?'

'Oh,' Neela replied, startled. She had spent so much time in denial that she was even having a baby, let alone keeping it, that she hadn't given any names a second thought. 'I haven't named her yet, I haven't really thought about it.' She paused. 'I don't really have any ideas. I was never one of those girls who had half a dozen sets of baby names all ready and waiting for the moment they gave birth.'

He smiled at her. 'I think you should come up with something soon. She deserves a name.'

'I know she does.' She decided to be honest with him. It had to come out sometime. 'I wasn't planning on keeping her Ray. I was going to put her up for adoption. I've been not thinking about names and all that sort of thing very deliberately.'

Ray blanched at her words. How could she even consider…? 'Wh-what? What are you talking about?' he stuttered in panic.

Neela reached out and put a hand on his arm. 'It's all right Ray, I've changed my mind. The minute I held her I knew for sure that I could never…' She shuddered at what she had so nearly done. She made a resolution never to knock pushy nurses again.

He let out his held breath shakily in relief. What she had just said had terrified him until she reassured him, but he thought it was a telling insight into how messed up she had been recently, and having a baby was not going to be some magic cure; he knew that. But hopefully it would give her, give them both, a reason to work hard to make everything okay again. It would be a long, hard and rocky road, but he was willing to try, and to hold her hand while she tried too.

'Thank God.'

'I'm just saying, I really don't have the slightest idea what to call her.'

Ray thought about his next words for a minute before he said them. 'Can… I name her?' He reasoned that whatever her answer, it would give him some sort of indication, however vague, of how much he was going to be allowed to be a part of this. If she said yes, it would be a positive sign, but if she said no, he would know to start steeling himself for disappointment and heartache early on.

'Name her? I'm not sure I trust you with that. Whatever you inflict on her, the poor girl is going to have to put up with for the rest of her life.' She smiled widely at him, a more genuine smile than she had managed to conjure for a long time, to show him she was joking.

Then her dark eyes became serious again. 'Ray, if you want to name her, I would be honoured to let you.'

His heart lifted, not just at her words, but at the way she smiled at him. Please God, grant him the opportunity to make her smile like that forever.

He turned his mind to names. It wasn't something he had ever really thought about before either, but was sure it wouldn't take long for something to pop into his head. He would know the right name when he thought of it, he was certain. They sat quietly for a few minutes while he rolled a few ideas around in his head, testing them out. Each name he thought of, he tested with both Barnett and Rasgotra. He knew he didn't have the courage to ask her about a surname. That could come in time.

And then a name appeared in his mind that was perfect. Pretty, simple and delicate, it would grow with her, and could suit any personality, from a girly girl to an out and out tomboy.

'Lucy.'

He looked at Neela, to gauge her reaction.

Neela considered the name, sounding it out in her head. _Lucy Barnett._ She liked it. It could even be Lucinder on the birth certificate, she thought, which gave it a slightly Indian feel, which would please her parents inordinately.

'Where did you get it from?'

He shrugged. 'I don't know, but I like it. I think it could suit her. What do you reckon?'

She smiled at him. 'I love it. I love it and I love her.' There was something, or some_one_ else that she could have included in that sentence, but she just stopped herself short of finishing it. They weren't ready for that yet. 'Lucy Barnett,' she announced reverently.

Ray's eyebrows shot up in surprise at her words. Did he just hear her right? Did she really just say…?

'Lucy Barnett?' he asked, his voice quaking slightly as he forced the words out over the lump in his throat. They both knew they were on the cusp of something very very big that they had been avoiding for the longest time.

'Lucy Barnett,' Neela echoed firmly.


	5. Playmate for Joe?

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: When I first started thinking about this story, it was intended to be interspersed with plenty of background with other characters, but so far I haven't managed to achieve that, hence the inclusion here. I'm not as fond of this chapter as others, but then, it has less of Ray and Neela, so I guess that's why! Oh, and I know Abby crops up in all my stories in practically identical roles each time, so please excuse me in this.

When Ray left her in the cafeteria, Abby swilled down the rest of her coffee with a grimace and sat back in the uncomfortable chair. She knew she had done the right thing in calling him here. Whatever she said and however much she tried to run away, Neela needed him. She needed him in terms of helping with the baby and supporting her practically, but in a much deeper, more lasting way as well. They were… two halves of the same whole. They didn't work without each other. She could see that even if Neela couldn't. Or wouldn't, which she suspected was closer to the truth.

If the labour had been hard, then what was coming next, the day to day realities of motherhood, would be ten times harder, and in Abby's opinion, no woman should have to do all that alone when she didn't have to, and Neela didn't have to. She might have lost her husband, but she still had Ray.

Abby couldn't begin to imagine how she would have coped with the horrors of Joe's birth and those terrifying days afterwards without Luka there. She never could have found the courage to make the right choices, or any choices at all, without him there to lean on, feeding her his quiet but unending strength. Suddenly, she felt like she needed to talk to him. The events of the last day were weighing heavily on her, and she had to share them. She made her way down the hall, following the signs to the nearest payphone.

She dialled a number and waited.

'County General, ER department,' a gruff voice answered.

'Hi Frank, it's Abby again. Is Luka free?'

There was a brief pause, and she heard the muffled sound of Frank's voice calling in the background, 'Has anyone seen Kovac anywhere?' Then he came back on the line to her. 'Someone's gone to fetch him. How's Neela doing?'

'She's pretty tired, but she is the new mother of a baby girl. I haven't seen her for a while, Ray's with her now.' Immediately Abby regretted her last sentence. She could almost hear Frank's mind as it ticked over, devouring that snippet.

'Is he now? Well, I always said those two…'

'Shut up Frank, have some respect.' Abby almost dragged Michael's name into it to guilt him into steering away from that train of thought, but when she considered it, Frank was pretty close to the truth.

He didn't say anything else and soon Abby heard the phone being passed over.

'Hey you. How's things going down there?'

'Well, Neela's given birth to a happy, healthy and very beautiful little girl, and she's fine as well.'

Luka could hear the glaring _but_ on the end of her sentence even down the phone line, and imagined her standing in some sterile corridor, alone and worried about her friend. He wished he could be there with her. 'What's the matter then? Something has gone wrong, I can tell.'

'Nothing's wrong as such… Where are you? Are you at the admit desk?' She didn't want their conversation overheard. She had already given away too much to Frank, and the place was a hotbed of gossip.

'Yes, why?'

'Can you go somewhere quieter please?'

He frowned. 'Yes, of course. Hold on while I change lines.' She waited, chewing at the skin around her nails nervously. 'Okay, I'm in the doctor's lounge, there's no-one here but me. What is it, Abby?'

'Oh Luka. I can't believe it. She's going to have such a difficult time to cope with this. I don't know what to say to her. I try, but the words just won't come out.' She realised that she hadn't actually told him what it was. 'The baby isn't Michael's Luka, Ray's the father.'

That was why Abby had called him down there so urgently, Luka thought. Ever since the call had come and Ray had gone dashing off in a panic, everyone had been very worried. Finally, after some insistent badgering from his staff, he had phoned Mercy and used a combination of his position and a touch of Croatian charm to extract a bit of reassurance out of them. They wouldn't tell him much, but he managed to find out that Neela wasn't in any danger and there had been no undue complications. After he had found that out, he had privately wondered what the fuss had been about, but now he knew. And everything made sense.

'How did he take the news?'

'Well. Better than she's coping with it. I'm really worried about her Luka, she wouldn't hold the baby, she wouldn't even look at it. I've got a feeling she might be planning to give it up.' She ran a hand through her hair anxiously.

He could hear the concern in her voice, and wished he was there to comfort her. 'Just give her time Abby, and hold her hand. Things are complicated for her, and she probably doesn't know what she's thinking at the moment.'

Abby sighed. 'I know, but… I just can't believe what a mess this is. Ever since she told me she was pregnant, I've been thinking how good this could be for her; she'd have a baby to focus on which could draw her out of her grief a bit. And, I guess it's a bit selfish, but I was thinking that we could be mums together, and it would be… fun, I guess. But this just makes everything so hard.'

'Abby, darling, of course it's hard, but it's hard for her. Don't forget that you've got me and Joe, you're okay.'

'Luka, she's my friend, I want to be there for her, she doesn't have anyone else.'

'I'm not saying don't be supportive. But she does have someone else, thanks to you. She has Ray.' Abby knew he was right, she was taking too much of this on herself.

'I think I need some sleep.' Now she didn't have to be a source of strength anymore, the tiredness was beginning to overwhelm her. 'I just want to be home with you.'

'If nothing else serious comes in, I should be home in a couple of hours. Sooner if I can get Weaver to come in early.'

She smiled to the empty corridor at the prospect of seeing him again. It had only been less than two days, but it felt like forever. 'Good, I'm missing you.' Even now, she was constantly surprised by her strength of feelings for him. 'I'm going to go and see how they're getting on, and then if they don't need anything, I'll head home. I'll see you there.'

'All right. Don't worry too much.'

'I'll try not to,' she replied, although they both knew she would anyway. 'Oh, and can you try not to say too much to people. I don't know what's going to happen, and I expect Neela won't want anyone to know that she and Ray… you know what I mean.'

'Yes, I do. And I said stop worrying.' She could hear the smile in his voice. 'See you later. I love you.'

'You too. Bye.'

When Luka put the phone down, instead of going back out, where no doubt half the hospital was waiting with baited breath, he poured himself a coffee and sat down. He was concerned for Ray and Neela, but he couldn't help thinking of the effect it would have on the department as a whole. They were still reeling from Michael's death, and the shooting – he didn't know how well they'd take another big shock. Pratt wouldn't take it at all well, he was sure, and with Abby still on maternity leave and Ray no doubt in need of plenty of time off, things were going to be hard. Very hard. He was damn proud of his team, and he hoped they would all work through this.

He gave Weaver a quick call, asking her to come in as soon as she was able to. He knew he should probably stay, but he had heard the carefully controlled distress in Abby's voice, and he wanted to be there to look after her. He didn't tell Kerry that though.

When Abby finished talking to Luka, she felt a little better. He had calmed her down a bit, and the thought that she only had to wait another couple of hours to be with him again comforted her. Steeling herself against whatever she might find, she went off to check on Neela and Ray.

When she got to Neela's room, the door was closed and she knocked on in tentatively, holding her breath until she heard an answer.

'Come in.'

She opened the door slowly, wondering what was going to be on the other side. If she believed in God, now would definitely be the time she would choose to say a little prayer.

As she stepped into the room, what she saw before her was perhaps what she least expected, but most hoped for. Neela was lying in the bed, a shaft of sunlight shining in on her and a sleepily content smile on her face. One hand was trailing out over the crisp white covers and Abby's eyes followed it down to where it rested, half caressing her daughter and half on Ray's arm. A quick glance at Ray's face, and Abby saw he was smiling so wide she thought his face might crack.

'Hiya Mum and Dad, how are we doing?'

It was Ray who answered, his eyes full of gratitude. 'We're doing good, I think.' He turned to glance up at Neela briefly, who gave him a little smile in return. As much as he didn't ever want to let his daughter out of his arms, he offered her to Abby, keen to share the miracle. 'Do you want to hold her?'

Abby nodded, and reached down to carefully take her from her father. As she did so, she noticed the writing on the little ID band she had around her tiny wrist. Last time she had seen it, it had read _Baby Rasgotra_, but it had now been replaced by one saying _Lucy Barnett_. Barnett. She wasn't entirely sure what that meant, but judging by the scene before her, it had to be a good thing.

'You've called her Lucy?' She turned to Neela, looking at her deeply, her eyes asking another question as well.

'Yes, Ray chose it.'

Ray was watching the two friends quietly, and didn't miss the looks that were shooting between them. 'Umm, I think I might go and grab a coffee or something…' he said awkwardly.

Neela knew he was trying to give them a moment, but she put an arm out to stop him, afraid to let him out of her sight. 'No, stay. Go on Abby, ask the question, I know you're dying to.'

'I don't want to pry, I just want to make sure you guys are okay. I mean, you look it, but you've been through so much and…' She didn't quite know what she was asking so she let her voice trail away.

'We are okay. We've not decided anything beyond the here and now, there's still a lot to be sorted out. But –' Abby looked down and noticed they were holding hands. 'I can't do this on my own, and I've been told that I'm not allowed to try,' Neela shot Ray a little look, the sort reserved only for couples, 'so this is it.'

'You look happy.'

'I've been feeling so awful and depressed for so long, but now I feel like I could be happy again.' Ray squeezed her hand, and just like the other times he had done so, a little bit more of the heaviness lifted from her heart again.

Abby wasn't sure whether or not to ask her next question in front of Ray, but they looked like they had shared everything. And Neela hadn't let him leave. 'So you're definitely not going to…?'

She was amused when Neela and Ray both shook their heads vigorously. 'No,' Ray answered, 'she stays.'

'Good. Joe's been looking forward to meeting his new playmate. Wow, I'm so happy for you. Sleepless nights, never ending crying – you're going to love it,' she teased them. She still couldn't believe quite how much Neela's attitude seemed to have changed from the fear and denial of earlier.

'I can't wait,' Ray replied instantly, without a trace of sarcasm, and they all laughed.

'Well, if you don't mind, I think I'm going to head home. I'm so tired I just want to go and sleep for about a day and a half. And it's about time I went and did the whole Mum thing again.'

She handed Lucy back to Neela, and bent forwards to kiss each of them on the forehead in turn. 'You three look after yourselves, all right? Is there anything you need?'

'It's not urgent, but the next time someone comes down here, do you think they could grab me a change of clothes? Ray chipped in, tugging at his scrubs. 'I hate wearing these, everyone thinks I'm a doctor.'

'You are.'

'You know what I mean.'

'Yes, I do. Okay, clothes, anything else?'

Neela shook her head. 'I just want to say thank you Abby. For everything you've done for me over the last months. For making me do this, for being here with me, for… _especially_ for calling Ray.' Ray felt warm inside at the way her voice seemed to brim over with emotion when she mentioned him. 'You've been the best, most supportive friend I could ever have asked for. So just, thank you.'

'It's okay Neela.'

'No, it's not. I've been awful to you. I've been awful to everyone. And you're all still here,' she included Ray in her grateful smile. 'It's so much more than I deserve.' There were tears in her eyes as she spoke.

'All we've been trying to do is help you. It's enough for us that now you're letting us.' Like Neela, Abby found tears pricking at her eyes as well. She decided to blame it on hormones.

'Well, I'll see you soon. I'll come down again as soon as I've slept and eaten enough to not feel like a zombie anymore. Have they said anything about you going home yet?'

'No, not yet.'

'Call me if they do.'

They promised to, and then she was gone.

As soon as they were alone, Ray looked at her. 'Did you mean it? When you said that you were more grateful to her for calling me than for anything else?' He knew she had been honest, but he just wanted to hear her say it again. It was as close as she had come to admitting her feelings, and happy though he was, he felt in need of something to encourage him.

'Yes.' She tore her eyes away from Lucy to meet his steady gaze, knowing what was riding on her answer. He just carried on staring at her, and she saw his soul bared in those moments. She knew he was trying hard not to scare her away, but there was no hiding how he felt about her, it was written all over his face.

'Neela, I…'

'Ssh,' she reached out, and put a finger softly over his lips, cutting him off. 'All in good time. Let's just get through this first.'

'Okay,' he smiled at her, a little disappointed that she wouldn't let him say it, but understanding why. And she was right, there was plenty of time. 'I do though.'

She let out a soft laugh. 'I know.'


	6. Home

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: I'm really sorry it's taken me so long since I last updated, I know it's been ages. I had a busy Easter and then it half killed me to tear myself away from Choices and dedicate my limited writing time to this. It also took me a_ long_ time to work out how to spell obstetrician!So in return for my many efforts, please leave me a review to make up for it.

A couple of days later, Neela was beginning to develop cabin fever being stuck in a hospital bed, and was nagging her obstetrician to allow her to go home. Luka had allowed Ray to take some time owing to him, so he was in his already customary position in the chair beside her.

'Please can we go home? Lucy wasn't premature or anything, and she's putting on weight at a good rate and I'm fine. There's really no need for us to be here.' Neela put on her best wheedling voice, but she wasn't sure if it would work. She had a feeling that there was a level of opposition amongst those looking after her to let her leave, and she didn't know why, but it was driving her crazy. Much as she had not the slightest clue how she was going to manage when she did get home, she couldn't abide the thought of having to spend any longer in this place. She worked in a hospital, and that was quite enough thank you; she didn't want to be stuck in one for another day.

As she expected, the doctor standing before her shook her head a little, and an evasive look crept into her eyes. 'I think perhaps one more night…'

Neela let out an angry sigh of frustration. She was getting sick and tired of being fobbed off. Ray glanced sideways at her, a tiny smile playing about his lips; he could tell how mad she was.

'Look, I know you're keeping me here for some reason, I'm a doctor, I can see what you're doing. Can you please at least tell me why? Is there something wrong with my baby?'

Immediately, the obstetrician put on her best soothing voice. 'No, no, there's nothing wrong with your baby. She's doing very well.'

It didn't wash with Neela though. Ray, knowing too well what it was like to be on the wrong side of her, kept well out of it. He had a feeling he knew why they were trying to keep her in, but he had no desire to incur the wrath of a hormonal and still overtired Neela.

'Then what is it? Is it me? Is there something wrong with me?'

'Well, we are a little worried about you. Your tests did show you were a bit anaemic.'

'Bollocks, I'm borderline.' She had been studying her chart, despite being under orders not to. 'And that's because I wasn't looking after myself properly. I am now, things are different. So why keep me here? My god, at County we're after every bed we can get, we don't keep perfectly fit and healthy young mothers _incarcerated_ against their will.'

Ray shot the obstetrician an amused but apologetic look, but did nothing to help the woman. He found it kind of funny to watch someone else get the sharp edge of her tongue for a change, and this flash of fire from her reminded him of the old Neela, his roomie Neela, who would tell him off and shout at him, but still be there to come home to, a weary smile and a bottle of beer, and a bit of late night poker watching. A lot had happened since then, and he had missed a lot of chances with her, but now he had the best one of all. And he wasn't going to jeopardise that by getting caught up in a silly row that was none of his making.

'Okay,' she said, moving to perch on the end of Neela's bed, but thinking better of it after a particularly frosty glare came her way. 'Given your recent circumstances; you've lost your husband and during your pregnancy, you can't deny that you didn't look after yourself very well, I am concerned about your ability to cope on your own. I know you've taken to breast feeding her well, and you seem to be better in yourself, but a first baby is always hard even with a wide support network, and I'd feel happier if you were stay here a little longer, maybe go to a few mother and baby classes, rather than go home alone.'

Neela's first instinct was to go into a fury at the woman; how dare she make judgements about her and tell her what to do? And how _dare_ she mention Michael? Of course she knew her husband had died; it was something she had bloody noticed; she didn't need some white coated, patronising stranger reminding her. But just as she was about to open her mouth to let out a tirade against her, her logical side began to kick in, and she thought about it from a doctor's point of view. The concerns held about her were valid, and she would probably be equally reluctant to discharge someone in her position.

But she couldn't stay here any longer; there must be some solution that they could reach an agreement on.

'Come on, please. Isn't there anything I can say or do that would encourage you to let me out? I'm actually going crazy. I just need to get out of here, go home, and start putting my life back together again.'

'That's what I mean, are you able to put your life back together and take care of a baby at the same time, all on your own?'

Ray felt a strong urge to say that she wouldn't be on her own, that she had him, but this was Neela's decision. She had to do what was best for her and Lucy, he didn't want to push or pressure her into anything just because it was what he wanted.

'Surely there must be some compromise?'

'Well, I don't want you going home alone; do you have family that you can go and stay with for a while, to give you time to adjust?'

Neela shook her head. 'No, I'm from England, all my family is over there, and I'm not moving back there. My life is in Chicago now.'

'What about your husband's family?'

'I don't think that would be suitable,' she replied quickly. Ray noticed the flash of pain in her eyes, and felt an irrational surge of anger at the woman at upsetting her.

There was a short silence as they reached a stalemate, and it allowed Ray a moment to think. An idea had been slowly forming in his mind ever since he had looked in through the nursery window and realised it was his daughter staring back at him. He was torn about whether or not to mention it so soon; he had intended to wait a while, but it could be the solution that they were in search of. He was scared of how she might take it though, of pushing her too far, too fast, which he had sworn not to do, so he spoke tentatively.

'Neela…' She turned to look at him, and he felt the eyes of the obstetrician on him as well. He wished fervently this moment didn't have an audience, but swallowed, trying in vain to wet his bone dry throat, and carried on speaking. 'Neela, you could… come home with me. Move back into the apartment. I know it's not ideal, but there's just about enough space, and I could be there to help you. Luka says I can have a few weeks off, so…' His voice faded to nothing; he didn't know how to finish.

Neela stared at him, not entirely sure what he was offering. A way out of the hospital, a roof over her head, friendship and help, or something more? At the moment, she wasn't sure which she wanted it to be. She didn't think she was ready for the latter, but she hoped that he was driven by a greater feeling than the former.

The doctor wasn't entirely sure what was going on. She knew enough of Neela's case history to know about her widowhood and the difficult pregnancy, but she, as had all the staff, noticed the almost constant presence of Ray. It was widely understood that he was there in the capacity of a friend, but yesterday she had heard from one of the nurses that he was Ray Barnett, and a fellow doctor and colleague of hers over at County. And the baby had been named Barnett, not Gallant, as she had then discovered Neela's husband's name to be.

She thought it would be wise to leave them to discuss things. 'Look, I'll get on with my rounds and come and see you when I'm done; give you a bit of a chance to talk.'

They both looked at her gratefully, then waited for her to leave the room before they continued.

Ray began. 'Neela, I'm sorry, I promise I'm not trying to push you into anything that you're not ready for. It's just… this could work. I'm Lucy's father, and I want to be there, I don't want to miss anything. And I'm your friend, above all else. They won't let you go home alone, and this way, you wouldn't be.' He sensed he was floundering, and took a deep breath, cutting off his sentence from developing into a stream of consciousness. 'What do you say?'

Neela looked away from him, unsure. She was happy to accept his help, and already she knew she was relying on him heavily, emotionally as much as practically. But she had wanted to do this herself. She didn't want him to have to take her on, broken and unstable (as she knew, deep inside, she still was) just because a one night stand had produced a baby. When she had first met him, she had been capable and strong; when she did make her way back to him, she wanted to be that same person again. And she sensed she was still a long way away from being that.

'Ray, I don't know. I'm not sure. I…' She was reluctant to tell him what she was feeling. She wanted to appear stronger, better, than she really was. 'Won't I get in the way? There'll be no late night drinking or jamming sessions with me and Lucy there. You'll get no social life, no love life.'

He knew she was trying to put him off, push him away, but he had let her get away with that once before, and he wasn't going to again. Not a chance.

He took her hand, and gently stroked it with his thumb. He made her meet his gaze, showing her his soul, and hoping to see hers in return. 'Neela, I haven't had any of that since you left. I've been nothing, had nothing. I am nothing without you, and now Lucy as well.' He felt tears pricking at his eyes, and he tried to push them back, but his vision began to blur, and through the haze, he saw that she was crying also.

'Oh Ray.'

'Please come home. I'm not asking for anything more than that; just please, please, come home.'

'I want to. I do want to. But I'm not sure. Something tells me I need to do this by myself. I don't want to be some broken waif that you have to put back together again. I want to put myself back together. I've put you through so much, and things are going to get worse before they get better. I guess I'm trying to say I don't expect to you to look after me as well as Lucy.'

'What if I want to?'

Finally, Neela's face broke into a small, tentative smile. 'Then maybe I might have to let you.'

Ray stood up from his seat and moved so he was sitting on her bed. Slowly, he reached out to her, and pulled her into his arms, hugging her, crushing her to him. He buried his face in her neck, smelling the smell of her and revelling in the feeling of her so close to him. They hadn't been this close since that fateful night nine months ago. And then he felt her arms wrap around him too, and he heard her give a little sigh of contentment.

After a while, he gently eased away from her, so he could look her in the eyes, but still held her hands tightly in both of his. 'Neela, my Dad was a waste of space. He wasn't a bad guy, and he didn't hit me or shout at me, but he was useless as a father. He wasn't interested in having children, and was even less interested in me when I came. He drank and he gambled, not destructively, but enough. My mum practically brought me up alone, and he left when I was eight. I've kept in touch, but not religiously.'

He paused in his story, but forced himself to continue against his will. He had to make her understand what made him so committed to this, and why he could trust her to stick around.

'I always swore to myself, even when I was just a kid, that when I had my own children, I would make a better job of it. I want to be there to see my children,' Neela noticed that he was using "children" as a plural, and she wasn't sure if he was talking in a general sense, or of more specific plans. 'Grow up. To smile their first smile and say their first words, and take their first steps. I am going to be as interested as he was disinterested. When I hold Lucy, I can't understand why you wouldn't be interested, how you could be anything less than absolutely fascinated by a child.'

Neela waited, listening. She was surprised at his strength of feeling. She would never have guessed that he would yearn so deeply for such a responsibility.

'These circumstances are not what I ever imagined, but now they've happened, I wouldn't change a thing. My promise to myself holds true, and now I am extending it to you too. I promise you, absolutely and without regret or hesitation, that I am going to be there every step of the way with you on this journey.'

She was overcome with emotion. She had thought that loving Michael had been hard, but loving Ray was so much harder, because so much more of herself was invested in this. But she stood to gain so much more in return. He had her completely convinced. After a speech like that, how could she say no?

And it wasn't just that he had persuaded her, it was more like he had reassured her that it was okay. She could step into this and it was not inevitable that she would get hurt. He would do anything, everything, to prevent that.

'Ray, I accept. I don't know what else to say. Home is your apartment, our apartment. I haven't been happy since I left. I haven't been happy since I've been away from you. I don't know if I'm ready to come back, but there's not just me to think about now. Lucy needs a home, and if you're willing to offer us one, and your love, then who am I to refuse it?'

He didn't dare to let himself believe what she said. 'Really? You'll really come home?'

Unable to find words enough to respond to such a depth of feeling, she nodded, and insinuated herself into his arms again, letting him stroke and soothe away her sobs.

They stayed like that until the obstetrician returned. When they heard the door open, they broke apart reluctantly.

'I'm sorry to disturb you. I was wondering if you had come to some sort of decision yet?'

Neela looked at Ray, her eyes asking him to do the talking, and he knew that meant she was still too choked to trust herself to speak. He wasn't much better off himself, but he was a family man now. There would be lots of things that he found difficult to do that he couldn't shirk away from.

'Yes, we have. Neela and Lucy will be coming home with me. I've been given time off work, so she won't have to cope on her own. We're both doctors; we're perfectly capable of looking after a baby, and I will be keeping a close eye on Neela as well. I know she needs to improve her nutrition, and take care of herself. And some close friends of ours have just had a baby a couple of months ago, so we'll all be able to support each other.'

When Ray had finished, the doctor nodded at him. 'Well, that sounds all in order then.' She allowed her businesslike demeanour to drop for a moment, and gave them a genuine smile. 'I'll get the discharge forms sorted out. You can go home this afternoon Neela.'

Neela breathed a deep sigh of relief. They say home is where the heart is, and finally, that was where she was going.


	7. Flowers and Banners

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Sorry about the time it took to update, I know it was forever. Somehow, and I really have no idea how, I appear to have three stories on the go at the moment. As well as actually juggling commitments in real life in addition, which is an unfortunate necessity that, try as I might, I cannot avoid. So here you go, and I hope it's worth the wait. Remember, reviews make me happy! Please make me happy!

When the obstetrician announced that she was going to let Neela go, Ray had experienced about a minute and a half of unbridled elation before the panic hit him. As soon as they were alone again, he turned to Neela, who was collecting together her few things into her bag.

'Neela, what the Hell are we going to do? We don't have any baby things; well, I certainly don't, and I'm presuming you haven't exactly been doing the traditional nest making thing, and in half an hour, we're about to take Lucy home. And my apartment is…' He gave her a wry smile. 'Let's just say it's lacking your touch.'

She knew what he meant by that. A pit of empty beer bottles, discarded pizza boxes and dirty dishes that was nothing short of a first rate biological hazard. And definitely not the sort of place that you could bring a child back to. He had a serious point about baby things though; in her denial, and with the intention to give the baby up, she had purchased none of the necessary paraphernalia that would now be essential. She had two babygrows and a set of booties that Abby had bought her, that was it. There was no way they could go home with things as they were.

She couldn't help but chuckle at the look of Ray's face though. He looked a little like he had bitten into a chilli, thinking it was a pepper, and only just realised his mistake. She decided she liked his worried, vulnerable look.

He frowned at her, he was trying to be serious and she had just laughed at him. 'Hey. I mean it, what are we going to do?'

'Well, first, you are going to calm down and –' She walked over to him and reached out to where he was trying, with over-active movements, to gather her bits and pieces off the cabinet beside her bed, and took his hands, stilling them. 'Stop flapping.' He looked down at their clasped hands and then back up at her. 'Then you are going to go home and start the clean-up mission.'

He nodded. 'But how are you going to get home? And what about things for Lucy?'

'Let me finish. I will call Abby and she will come and get me, and I'll ask her to send Luka over to you with anything they can spare. How does that sound for a plan?'

He realised he was overreacting, and forced himself to take a deep breath. He didn't think he had ever panicked about anything in his life before, until he had taken that call from Abby, first telling him to get over to Mercy. Since then, every moment had been a rollercoaster of emotions, usually flitting between heart stopping panic and equally heart stopping euphoria. He caught her smiling at him and found that the sparkle in her eyes was infectious.

'Sorry.'

'Don't be sorry that you care Ray, that's never wrong.'

A brief shadow crossed over his hazel eyes. 'It's been wrong before,' he said before he could help himself.

'I was another man's wife Ray. I wasn't yours to care about then, not in the way that you did.'

He didn't want to do this now, and he knew that she didn't either, but somehow it had seemed to just creep up on them, and it seemed cowardly to put a stop to it, even though he really had to get back and start cleaning and tidying.

'You weren't his wife when I started caring Neela.' It was a bit of a cheap shot, he knew, but after what she had put him through, he didn't think it was entirely unreasonable.

She looked away, ashamed. God, this was a mess. It was all her fault and she didn't know how to put it all right. Simply playing at happy families wouldn't be enough, no matter how much they would like it to be.

'And what about afterwards Neela? What about since he died? Wasn't I allowed to care then either?'

Tears sprang to her eyes at his harsh tone and he immediately regretted his words. Too hard, too fast Ray. You're going to have to give her time, a lot of it. He pushed the frustration from his voice and the darkness from his eyes, holding his arms out to her.

After a moment of hesitation, she stepped forward and allowed him to hug her to him, a bit of the guilt and turmoil fading as she felt herself being folded into him, strong arms encircling her, and her cheek against his warm chest.

'I'm sorry Neela, I didn't mean that.'

She knew that wasn't entirely true, and she told him so. 'Yes you did. It was a fair comment.'

'I didn't mean to say it now, put it that way. I don't want to upset you; today is the day we take our daughter home, its meant to be is a happy day and I don't want to spoil it. This can wait. I'm not saying it's not important, but there are far more important things at the moment.'

Her felt her nod against his chest. 'Okay. Thank you Ray.'

He stroked her hair reassuringly and eased her out of his arms, smiling down at her. 'Right then, I had better get going; there's, well, quite a lot to do. Are you all right to call Abby?'

'Yes, I'm fine.' She quickly brought a hand up to her face to wipe away a tear, but it wasn't quickly enough, and she knew he saw her. 'You go.'

He paused for a moment, taking in her damp eyes, moisture glistening on her lashes. He didn't want to leave her, but he knew he must. 'Call me if you need anything.'

Then he was gone.

An hour later, and she and Abby were in a cab, now nearing Ray's apartment. Lucy was strapped into Joe's car seat, peacefully asleep and looking like a tiny doll. Abby watched in amusement as Neela's eyes never left her the entire journey.

Although she was staring at her daughter, privately Neela was a little worried about what she was going to find. If her experience of Ray's housekeeping habits were anything to go by, it would take a lot more than an hour to transform the apartment into a place suitable for human habitation, let alone bringing up a baby. She knew the bloody band had gone, but still, was this really a good idea? Should she have agreed to this?

'Hey,' Abby brought her out of her reverie, 'Watcha thinking about?'

Turning to her, Neela smiled. 'Ray and Luka cleaning.' Her words elicited a grin from Abby. 'Are you sure it's okay for us to borrow this stuff? We're going to have to find the time to buy everything for ourselves, but I was discharged a bit suddenly. I just didn't think…'

'Don't worry about it, it's fine. The clothes you can keep; they're all newborn size, and Joe barely fits into them anymore anyway. I'm going to have to steal the carseat back, but everything else we can do without for a bit.'

'Thank you Abby.' She met her eyes, giving her a deep look that went beyond words. 'Thank you for everything.'

Abby took her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. 'That's all right, Neela. Like I said the other day, you're my friend and that's what friends are for.'

They were quiet for a little while, and Abby mused whether or not to ask the question that was burning on her tongue. In the end, she decided to approach it in a roundabout way.

'So, you're moving back in with Ray then?'

Neela gave Abby a knowing look. She had wondered how long it would take for her to get onto this. 'Yes. That's the address I gave to the cab driver.'

'Is it just going to be for a little while, or… longer?'

'Come on Abby. Out with it. I can tell its killing you, just ask me the question.'

'Well, if you know what I want to ask, then why don't you just tell me?' Neela looked on in silence, and Abby was the first to cave. 'Okay, okay. What's the deal with you and Ray?'

Neela sighed. 'I don't know. We're not in a relationship, not like that, not yet. It's far too soon for me. And things aren't quite as rosy as they seem between us. We just had a bit of a scene at the hospital before he left. I've hurt him very badly this last year and I've got a lot of ground to make up. But if you're asking whether or not we're going to be in a relationship, then my answer would be, I don't know, I hope so, and in time, I suspect, yes. Does that answer your question?'

'Hmm, that about covers it.'

Neela looked sideways at Abby, who was still staring at her mischievously. 'What?'

Abby shook her head. 'Nothing.'

'I know you. It's never nothing. What is it?'

Abby let out a little giggle. 'I can't believe you slept with him, that's all.'

'Abby!' Neela sounded scandalised. 'That's really not the issue.'

'Yes it is.' Abby didn't want to upset her by harking back to the time it happened, because of the inevitable association with Michael, but she couldn't help a touch of girlish excitement at the prospect of two of her friends getting together. There hadn't been hospital gossip this good since… well, since her and Luka really. 'What was it like?'

'Abby.' Neela's voice had a note of warning in it, but not so harsh that Abby felt it was dangerous to continue. They stared each other out for a little while, only this time, it was Neela who gave in.

'Good, okay. It was good.'

'Good? I give you my unending friendship and support, I keep your secrets, I lend you baby things, and all I get in return is a "good"? You can do better than that Dr Rasgotra.'

'Very good?' Neela tried another answer, but she knew she wouldn't get away with that either.

'More please.'

Neela held her hands up in defeat. 'All right! It was fantastic. It was amazing. It was actually worth the guilt for, is that what you wanted to hear?'

Abby crossed her arms, grinning in jubilation. 'That's more like it.'

'Good,' Neela replied through pursed lips. The cab drew to a halt and Neela took out her purse to pay the driver. 'Now,' she turned back to Abby, 'Can you please quit acting like you're seventeen again, and give me a hand?'

Approaching the door with trepidation, Neela let Abby do the knocking as she had her hands full with the baby. Her stomach was tight with nerves, and not just because of what she might find on the other side of the door. Moving back in with Ray, it was symbolic.

She heard Ray calling out a 'Wait a second,' over the sound of music blaring. She rolled her eyes a little at the music; some things never change, and waiting, tapping her foot in nerves more than impatience, and shifting the weight of the seat from one arm to the other.

Then Ray threw the door open, and stepped out to greet her. He took Lucy from her, and bent his head to kiss Neela on the cheek lightly. 'Welcome home, Neela. It's good to have you back.' Their eyes met for an awkward moment that the presence of Abby and Luka meant they could not explore any further, and Ray quickly shifted his attention to the baby.

He lifted up the seat as if he was showing her the apartment. 'Here you go Lucy. This is your new home.'

While he was fussing with the baby, insisting on carrying her in and into every single room, Neela looked around. A big, hastily painted banner hung on the wall with a loud, red "Welcome Home" on it, and there was a vase of flowers in the lounge. The place looked as if it had been cleaned quickly, but it was clean and tidy. On the sofa lay a traditional bassinet that Luka had brought round, which would have to do as a cot. There was a ribbon tied round the handle that Neela sort of hoped Ray wasn't responsible for, but suspected he was.

Ray and Lucy came out of the bathroom, Ray with a stupid grin on his face, and smiled at Neela. He seemed to have forgotten that Abby and Luka were even there, so Neela tried to cover up for his accidental rudeness.

'Ray, why don't you put some coffee on or something? I'm parched, I could do with a cup of tea.' She glanced meaningfully at their company and eventually he seemed to realise what she was getting at.

'Oh, yes, I'm sorry guys. I didn't mean…' He looked at them apologetically.

Abby and Luka glanced at each other, and tried not to let the others see their amused grin. Luka spoke up. 'No, don't worry about it. We umm… have to get back and collect Joe from the sitter. We'll leave you to it.'

'Don't feel that you have to go,' Neela said. 'We're so grateful for what you've done; please, stay for a while. You're more than welcome.'

Abby shook her head. 'No, you two; you three, need some time to yourselves. I'll bring some more of your things around from my place tomorrow, then we can go shopping.'

They were soon gone, and Neela settled a now sleeping Lucy in the bassinet. They kept her in the lounge with them, and sat down together on the sofa, exhausted, and surrounded by a plethora of nappies, clothes, creams, powders, toys and all sorts.

Neela sighed and rested her head back on the sofa. She wanted to rest it against his shoulder, but she wasn't sure, not yet.

'Thank you Ray, for doing all this. I love the flowers.' She gave him a little sideways look. 'I have to confess I'm not quite so sure about the banner, but I appreciate all that you've done so much.'

'Luka was a great help. He sort of did the cleaning bit while I did the nice things.'

'Ray,' she exclaimed, elbowing him in the ribs just hard enough to make her point. 'You made Luka clean this place? You're unbelievable. And that _isn't_ a compliment.'

'Hmm, I think I'll take it as one anyway. I just made my boss clean my apartment; you've got to give me some points for that.' Neela laughed at him, and he just listened, loving the warmth and happiness that was in her tone. It had been so long since he had heard that sound.

'Do you want that cup of tea now?'

'Mm, in a minute.' She looked up at him, meeting his concerned gaze. 'Can we just… stay here like this for a bit please?'

He met her eyes for a while, trying to figure out if in their dark depths, there was some sort of indication as to what she meant, what she was asking for, but he couldn't see anything but an open, honest request. In the end, he decided to simply take it at face value.

He shrugged his shoulders a little, and said, 'Sure.' He lifted an arm so she could snuggle into him, and she quickly accepted his invitation, shifting towards him across the sofa and leaning in closer, resting her body alongside his. He brought his arm down again, and wrapped it around her. Soon, her hand crept up towards his, and their fingers somehow intertwined themselves.

They stayed like that for a long time, watching their daughter sleep.


	8. Sleepless nights

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Sorry for how long I've made you wait for this, shameful I know. I would like to say thank you though, for the heaps and heaps of reviews I got for the last chapter – they made me a happy bunny, and if you could do the same again, it would make me even happier.

It was three in the morning and the honeymoon period had already come to an abrupt end, cut off by Lucy's incessant bawling. They'd placed the bassinet in Neela's room, but as this was the third time already that she'd stirred, Ray thought it was only fair that he got up to go and offer his help. It wasn't as if he could sleep anyway.

He knocked quietly on the door, then opened it, poking his head around. 'Do you want me to take her for a bit?' All was quiet again for a moment, so he whispered. By the light of the lamp on the little stand next to Neela's bed, he noticed that she was feeding her, and felt a bit stupid. He could help, but he couldn't do that.

He floundered, trying to avert his eyes but not quite managing it. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll come back…'

She didn't seem to mind though, smiling up at him. 'No, come in and keep me company. If I have to stay up all night, so do you.'

'Okay.' He perched awkwardly on the end of the bed, carefully looking at everything in the room but Neela.

To Neela, even to her exhausted eyes, something seemed wrong. Ray was on edge, and not at all like him. But then, it was three in the morning and he had a breastfeeding woman and crying baby in his apartment, keeping him awake. Of course there was something wrong. Oh God, had he changed his mind? Sitting there in silence, not meeting her eyes, was he trying to find the words to tell her he'd changed his mind, that he wanted her out in the morning?

'Ray, what is it? What's wrong?' There was a note of panic in her voice.

'Nothing's wrong.' He still wouldn't look at her, keeping his eyes resolutely on the floor. He remembered in the hospital she had seemed uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of him, and since then, he had tried to give her some privacy. This was the first time she had invited him to stay with her, and he felt disgusted with himself. He knew that if he looked at her, he wasn't seeing her in a way he should be. Every time he caught a glimpse of her smooth dark skin, his mind involuntarily flashed back to what that skin felt like, tasted like.

Carefully, she eased Lucy away from her breast and settled her, sated and sleepy, back into the bassinet. She pulled the strap of the tank top she was wearing back up over her shoulder, covering the exposed skin and ending his torture. Then she scooted down the bed so she was close enough to take Ray's face in her hands, turning him towards her. She could feel his body tense, resisting her, but she forced him to look at her.

'Please tell me what it is. If you want us gone then…' Her voice faltered with emotion, but she made herself continue. 'Well, then, I would understand.'

Ray listened to her in shock, and reached up to take her wrists, pulling them from his face and taking her hands, squeezing them tightly enough to hurt. 'What on earth makes you think I'd want that?' He sounded absolutely incredulous, looking at her like she was crazy.

She was confused by his attitude. One minute he looked like he was running in the opposite direction as fast as he could, and now he was acting as if he couldn't bear to lose her.

'Well, we've kept you awake all night, interrupted your life. You don't need us here.'

'I do need you. I need both of you more than you will ever know.'

She shook her head briefly. 'You don't have to say that Ray. Don't just say what you think I want to hear. I'm a big girl; you can be honest with me.' Even though she said that she didn't mind what he said, her heart constricted with fear at the prospect of him asking her to go. Even though in the hospital she had been doubtful this was a good idea, already she knew that she wouldn't be able to cope without him. The thought of Abby's apartment, echoingly empty, made her blood run cold.

'Neela, I am being honest. I want you and Lucy here. She's my daughter, and you're…' His voice trailed off; he didn't know how to finish the sentence.

'I want to stay, I do, but you're acting oddly. One minute you're asking us to stay, and now you won't even look at me. I'm confused Ray.'

'I'm sorry. I just… I love you both so much Neela. Like I said in the hospital, being a father is a big thing for me. But you and me, it's so complicated. I don't want to do or say anything that upsets you or makes you uncomfortable but I… I can't turn off my feelings for you. Believe me when I say I've tried, but it's not going to happen. So if that's going to make this too hard, and you want to go, then I understand. You can move back to Abby's and I'll help you with Lucy whenever you want and we'll just –'

She cut him off. 'What do you want Ray? Just for a second, stop worrying and thinking and everything else, just tell me what you want.'

A long silence fell between them. Neela waited for his answer, holding her breath. She knew how he felt about her but she honestly believed that they were close enough friends to make this work. Anything else could come later.

Ray sighed. He wanted them to stay, he wanted to be a family, but he didn't know if he could live with her, see her every day and not be with her. Not be able to brush her hair out of her eyes or touch her lips or taste her skin. To lie in bed at night, his body aching for her, knowing that she was just the other side of an all too thin wall. It had half killed him last time, and he wasn't sure that he could survive it a second time round, not with his sanity intact. But what would that pain be compared to her not being there at all? And could he really bear not being around Lucy? He didn't want to be a Saturday dad, to hear amusing anecdotes of her first smile, her first words, her first steps. He wanted to be there to see it for himself; he wanted to be the one telling the amusing anecdotes.

The silence seemed to drag on forever. Finally, he broke it. 'Stay.'

A smile spread across her face, her eyes brimming with happiness. 'You really mean it?'

'I do. I thought I knew that this was going to be hard, but I guess I just didn't realise how hard. But… you're worth it. You both are. Will you stay?'

'Yes, Ray. We'll stay.' She pulled him into her arms, and they stayed together, just hugging each other. Ray was right; this was going to be harder than they had ever imagined.

A little way across the city, there was another baby stirring, a quiet grizzle soon escalating into a lusty wail. Luka felt Abby sit up in bed and he rolled over with a groan, reaching out to stop her. 'No, its fine, you go back to sleep. I'll go this time.'

'I'm awake now.'

'So am I.'

She laughed. 'Are we actually fighting about who gets to leave this nice warm bed and go and change what is inevitably going to be a disgustingly smelly diaper?'

'Yes, I think we are. How about you do diaper duty and I'll put the kettle on.'

'Sounds good to me.'

A few minutes later, they were settled on the couch, mugs in hand, and a now quiet Joe back in his cot. Luka watched fondly as Abby smiled down at their son, who was lying on his back playing with his toes. But there was a darkness in her eyes behind the smile.

'There's something troubling you.' It was a statement, not a question, and she turned to look at him.

'What makes you say that?'

'Abby, I can tell. It's about Ray and Neela, isn't it?'

'I know it isn't any of my business…'

'Abby, this is me. Talk to me.'

'I just don't know how they're going to cope with this. Neela isn't exactly the most maternal person I've ever met –' Luka made a slight scoffing noise, which earned him an unimpressed glare. 'Okay, so I know I wasn't either, but that's different. I'm older. I've gone off the rails, several times, and got back on them again. And I have you. Ray's not exactly Mr Responsible.'

'I think you might be underestimating them Abby. I think they can manage to do this. And you've only got to look at them to see how they feel about each other. You should have seen Ray yesterday afternoon when we were waiting for you and Neela to bring Lucy back from the hospital. I have never seen a man more excited about being a father, never, and I've seen a few.'

'They've been through such a hard time.' Abby was unconvinced.

'Maybe now they'll stop running away from each other. They need something to focus on, something to think about besides themselves and their troubles.'

'But that's just the first step. Can you imagine what everyone will say? At County. They'll never be able to go back and just carry on. People will be on at them all the time; Pratt will go mad at them for what they've done to Gallant, Morris won't shut up about it. That asshole Crenshaw was riding her hard before, but what's he going to be like after this? And that new intern that keeps sniffing around her, the one who used to be a paramedic, Gates. Everything will be awkward and…'

'They know not to listen to gossip Abby.'

Eventually, she smiled at him softly. 'You really think they'll be okay?'

'Yes, I do. You know you shouldn't worry so much about them, don't you?'

Abby sighed. 'I'm used to worrying, it's second nature. Maggie and Eric seem to be doing well now, Joe is happy and healthy, you don't have your finger permanently hovering over the self-destruct button anymore. I need a new project.'

He laughed at her, knowing that she was mainly joking but understanding a little more why she couldn't seem to take her mind off this. He held out a hand to her. 'Back to bed?'

He pulled her to her feet and into his arms. She nestled into him, laying her cheek against his chest, enjoying the safe, protected feeling that he gave her. 'Back to bed,' she agreed.

A few hours later, standing at the admit desk with Weaver, Luka wasn't at all confident in the positive assertion he had made earlier. Kerry was trying to hand over the charts of the patients still outstanding from the night shift, but try as he might to pay attention he couldn't help but listen to Morris and Frank next to them.

'I heard Kovac gave him a month off. That's a sure sign.'

'Well, never mind what he said to us, it was definitely roomies with benefits. I mean, Neela's a pretty girl, if I was Ray, I probably would. I mean, they lived together. You can't live with a girl and not, you know.'

'Well, you can't Morris. Whether or not they'd kick you in the nuts if you tried it on is a different matter entirely.'

'Doesn't look like Neela did much kicking, does it?'

'No, but she was married. Folk can do what they please, but I don't approve of that. I thought she was a decent girl. She should know better. Husband off fighting and her at home messing around. I don't like that.'

'Never knew you were so traditional Frank.'

'What's so traditional about right and wrong?'

Weaver watched Luka's face as the conversation unfolded, sliding slowly from idle gossip to something a bit more malicious, his eyes blank. He obviously wasn't listening to her. 'I said, there's a troupe of dancing girls in curtain one.'

He blinked a couple of times and turned his attention back to her. 'Sorry, what was that?'

'Luka, are you all right? You seem to have something on your mind.'

He frowned. 'Yes, I do actually. Have you got a minute?'

'Of course.' She put the charts down and turned to Morris and Frank before she left. 'You two, knock it off. Find some work to do and mind your own business. Or I will make sure you aren't left with any nuts to get kicked.' They swiftly shut up and Morris scurried off with an armful of charts, Frank turning back to his computer sheepishly.

She followed Luka to the doctor's lounge and poured them both a coffee. To her surprise, when she handed it to him, he was grinning. 'What is it?'

'Well,' he accepted the coffee, 'I was going to ask you for some advice. I wanted to know what you had found to be the best way in trying to keep some sort of a check on the gossip in this place, but I think you just showed me exactly what to do.'

Weaver laughed. 'They're not scared enough of you Luka, not like they are me. I can get Morris to nearly wet himself just by looking at him. Not necessarily a good thing, I know, but you've got to admit, sometimes useful.'

They sipped at the coffee companionably for a minute. God knows they had had their differences, but Luka trusted Kerry. She had done a lot for him.

'I'm assuming you're worried about Ray and Neela?'

Luka nodded.

'Well, if what people are saying is true, there's only so much you can do to keep a lid on it. You can't discipline people for telling the truth. I know it's no concern of theirs, but that's what this place is like. You know that, we both do. And it's never going to change. If Ray and Neela can't handle that, they'll have to move on.'

'They are both going to be fantastic doctors. County would be mad to lose them. I'm hoping Ray's going to apply for Chief Resident next year –'

Weaver raised an eyebrow questioningly. 'Over Abby?'

'She's not a leader. I think she'd be the first to admit that. And by all accounts Neela is doing well upstairs, Dubenko is very impressed with her.'

Weaver looked at him thoughtfully. 'Have you thought maybe they might need this more than they need their careers?'

He looked up at her in surprise. He had always supposed she did have a softer side, but in all the years he had known her, he swore he could count on one hand the number of times he had witnessed it.

'Meaning?'

'Luka, you've been here in Chicago for a long time now. You've worked hard and built a brilliant career for yourself; you're the Chief of Emergency Medicine now. That's very impressive. You drive a nice car and own a big apartment. But what is it that's made you happy? Be honest.'

He knew she already knew the answer. 'Abby. Abby and Joe.'

'Exactly. We both know what it's like to lose people we love. Now Neela does too. And we both know that no matter how hard you work, how hard you try to block it out, the work just isn't enough to make you happy. If Neela can find that out sooner and with less pain than it took us, that can't be a bad thing. And you know I'm not Barnett's biggest fan, but looking after a child will mature him. He needs to grow up. People here will have to like it or lump it.'

'You think I'm overreacting, don't you?'

'I don't understand why you seem to be so invested in this. You're their boss Luka. You've already done more than you have to by giving Ray time off.'

'I just… I like them. I think they're nice kids who deserve a break. Abby's worrying herself silly about them. And once news of this breaks officially, all Hell will let loose. Pratt's not going to be impressed. Gallant's only a few months in his grave and Neela's just had another man's baby. The dates overlap; there's no hiding it or explaining it away.'

'It is Ray's then?'

'Yes. He's amazing with her as well. Not at all how you would expect.'

Kerry finished her coffee and got up. 'I have to go. I want to see Henry before he goes to school. Don't worry about all this Luka, it'll work out. And if you have any trouble with Morris, send him to me.'

'Thanks Kerry, I…' Sometimes he felt like Weaver was still the boss. He certainly felt that she had more authority than he did.

'Don't worry about it. Glad to be of help.'

Luka followed her out. It was going to be a tough day today. With Ray off now as well as Abby, he had had to get Morris to replace them in the schedules with interns. It made more work for everyone.

He hoped things worked themselves out quickly.


	9. Awkward mornings

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: As my other story, Choices, is now coming to an end, I'll soon be embarking on a short, explanatory prequel to this story, so if there's any points in particular that you would like clearing up in it, then please let me know. I am particularly fond of this chapter by the way, I like it immensely, so please let me know if you do too. Reviews are my inspiration.

A couple of weeks later, and Ray and Neela were beginning to establish some sort of a routine. They had discussed, when they bought it, setting up the cot in the lounge, on the grounds that there was more room and they could take in turns going out to her, but in the end they had decided against it. Although Lucy was still sleeping in Neela's room, Ray had found himself sleeping poorly recently, and whenever he heard Lucy stirring, he always went in to help, to keep Neela company, whatever she wanted. Whether it was the presence of a crying baby or a more general anxiety that was causing his insomnia, he wasn't sure, but it was really beginning to plague him. For all the disruption however, he looked forward to the nights. They had an unspoken intimacy in the darkness that never survived beyond the first light of day streaming in under the blinds. Several times he had fallen asleep in her bed, and although she never woke him or asked him to leave, he felt he was overstepping an unwritten line, which always led to a morning full of awkward apologies. Today was another of those days. Again.

As he slowly opened his eyes, he realised that on this occasion not only was he under the duvet, but whether by design, be it hers or his, or through some subconscious movement, his arms were wrapped around her slender form and her head was resting contentedly on his chest, dark hair fanned out against his pale skin. He thought about slipping away while she was still asleep, but there was no way he could move without waking her, so he lay back and enjoyed the moment, knowing that as soon as she woke, she would shy away from him, and he would retreat, embarrassed. She looked so beautiful when she was sleeping. He thought she looked beautiful all the time, even when shadows under her eyes gave away her lack of sleep and when Lucy had just thrown up in her hair, but when she was asleep, she looked so peaceful and untroubled in her beauty. It took him back to an uncomplicated time, when her worst concerns were the fact that he hadn't picked up his dirty towels off the bathroom floor or that the band had kept her awake half the night or he had eaten her cereal. These days, he cursed himself for not making the most of that time. How he could have been so stupid to waste it on brainless groupies and too many gigs he had no idea.

Things were so different now. Not that he would wish to have anything other than Lucy now they had her, but the tension between him and Neela was killing him. On the surface, things were fine. They were both adapting to parenthood better than he would ever have imagined, although he felt that Neela was relying on him very heavily, and worried about what would happen in two weeks time when he had to go back to work. It was all the feelings and emotions that were bubbling between them, not quite reaching boiling point but on a constant simmer that was impossible to ignore, that were causing the trouble, well, for him they were. Apart from the mornings when they woke up next to each other, she showed no outward signs of awkwardness or even awareness of the situation. For Ray on the other hand, every touch was an exquisite kind of torture that tested his self control beyond the normal limits of his endurance. Even the tiniest brush of skin on skin sent his pulse racing and his mind back to a night nine and a half months ago. Several times he had had to turn away from her in embarrassment, an uncustomary blush flooding into his cheeks, hoping she wouldn't see his body betraying him. He hated himself for the way he felt, and hoped fervently that it wouldn't get in the way of what their relationship had now become.

He was unsure of where they were headed, but felt that, given time, things would work themselves out. It would get easier, he was a firm believer in time being a great healer, but there was a lot of talking to do before they reached that stage. For him, it was just a question of whether he could wait that long. He knew he had no choice though. He had waited this long for her. There had been a time, when after angry words she left him standing there alone on the roof of the hospital that he had thought he would be lucky if she would even talk to him again. Yet now, although in slightly unusual circumstances, he was lying in her bed, holding her in his arms. That had to be progress of a sort.

He felt her stir on his chest as the daylight began to seep into the room, the fluttering of her eyelashes as she opened her eyes tickling his skin. She lifted her head slowly, looking up at him. 'Good morning.'

He was expecting her to pull away from him, to make an excuse like needing a shower or making coffee as she normally did, but today she did not. Today, she smiled up at him, then returned her cheek to its former position on his chest, her skin warm and soft.

'Morning,' he replied tentatively. 'Did you get much sleep?' He knew it was a silly question, given that they had spent the night asleep in the same bed, in each others' arms, but he needed to fill the silence. By talking of mundanities, he hoped that it would keep his mind away from the fact that she was close enough for him to tip his head down and capture those soft, sweet lips of hers with his.

'Not too bad last night. I don't think she woke up again after two.'

'Wow,' he chuckled, 'I can't remember the last time we got five whole hours of uninterrupted sleep.'

'No, neither can I.'

'I can't remember what it was like when I was in the band and I used to be out til three o'clock in the morning and in the hospital for rounds at seven. I must have been crazy.'

'Young and carefree perhaps?' she offered.

'Yes, maybe that.'

Neela remained in her position against his chest, listening to the pounding beat of his heart. His heart rate was faster than it should be she thought, but as she also noticed his carefully controlled breathing, she realised what this was doing to him. His muscles were tense, and although his arms held her with a forced looseness, his jaw was set as if he was making an enormous effort. She thought about pulling away from him, but she had done that on every other morning that they had found themselves like this, and she had always felt a little bit cold and empty after she had done so. Right now, she just wanted to stay where she was, so that was what she did.

She felt her own heartbeat begin to increase in speed in line with his, and then she too was regulating the pace of her breathing, trying not to let him hear it quicken. She turned her face up to his and there was a soft, sad look in his eyes that tugged at her heart. She gave him a little smile, and reached up to gently stroke his face, wanting to elicit a smile back from him.

As her hand moved from his chest, the skin she left behind felt cold, but her touch on his cheek burnt him like a flame. Her dark eyes seemed to hold some sort of hidden message that he was unable to decipher.

'Ray…'

She uttered his name, her voice no more than a whisper.

Very, very slowly, he moved towards her. Every second he expected her to move, to run flustered and in fear like she had before, the morning before her presentation for Dubenko, the night she had left for good, but she held his gaze resolutely. The distance between them closed. Then, when they were barely an inch apart, so close he could feel her breath on his skin, Lucy began to cry, a hearty wail that couldn't be ignored.

The cot had been set up on Neela's side of the bed so she was the first to move. Ray couldn't help but let out a quiet groan of frustration, but he didn't think she heard it over Lucy's cries. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and got up to reach into the cot.

'Well, hello Miss Barnett. We're in a noisy mood this morning, aren't we?' she said, picking the child up carefully. She spoke in a normal tone; she didn't believe in cooing nonsense at babies. 'Are we hungry; is that what all this complaining is about?'

She returned to the bed, settling Lucy in her arms and pulling down the strap of her top. At that, Ray turned away. Over the last fortnight, he had just about managed to come to terms with watching her feed their daughter, but after what had just been so painfully close to happening, he didn't think he could bear it. The agony he was in had just moved to a whole new level.

'I'll go and make a pot of tea.' God, he thought, when exactly did I become English? 'What do you want for breakfast?'

He was hovering in the doorway now in his boxers and socks, and she looked up at him, sensing his awkwardness. At some point in the near future, they were going to have to talk about this, she knew, but not now. Not yet. Her feelings were still very raw from everything, from her original affair with Ray, from Michael's return to Iraq, and his subsequent death, and oddly enough, most of all, from Ray's complete surrender of his life to her and Lucy now.

'What are the choices?'

'Umm, cereal of course, toast, pancakes, or bacon and eggs if you're really lucky.'

'The bacon was out of date, it was going a sort of green colour so I had to huck it. Some pancakes would be lovely thank you. With maple syrup if there is any.'

He smiled at her, and disappeared into the kitchen, glad of an excuse to go.

He busied himself making breakfast, trying not to let him mind hark back to the woman sitting up in the bed he had just left. She had been back for two weeks now, and this morning had been the sixth time he had woken up next to her, and the third consecutive morning. He studiously ignored the fact that he kept count. He was continuously on his guard against getting his hopes up or daydreaming or fantasising about what could come out of all this, but even looking at it as objectively as he could, that spelled a trend to him.

He wanted to address the issue very badly, but he wasn't sure if she was ready yet. She seemed to be doing well, but a couple of times, when she thought he wasn't looking, he had seen her sitting quietly, usually with Lucy in her arms, staring blankly out of a window, silent tears trailing down her face. He never interrupted these private moments of grief. Whatever the circumstances now, she had lost her husband only a few months ago; it was inevitable that she was still grieving, still upset, and probably would be for some time. It was just a question of whether she wanted to recover from it by herself, or with his help. He knew he didn't have the courage to ask. He just had to be there, he knew.

He arranged breakfast for her on a little tray. There were no flowers to put on it, though he wasn't sure if he would have done even if there had been; flowers were very not him, but he set it nicely with the cup of tea and plate of pancakes drizzled with maple syrup as requested. He left his own tea and pile of pancakes in the kitchen.

He carried he tray through to her, not having a free hand to knock but pushing the door open slowly enough to give her the opportunity to cover herself up if she was exposed. When he walked in, she had finished feeding Lucy but was still holding her, drawing shapes and circles on her little tummy and smiling fondly at her reaction. She looked up when he came in.

'Breakfast is served.'

'Thank you Ray.' She returned Lucy to her cot, hoping that the sudden withdrawal of attention wouldn't trigger another round of bawling. Looking at the tray and seeing only her own breakfast on it, she frowned. 'Where's your food? You must eat breakfast you know; it's the most important meal of the day.'

'I know, I've cooked myself some too. It's in the kitchen,' he replied, not quite meeting her eye.

'Do you not want to eat in here?' she asked. It was obvious this was about their almost kiss of earlier. It was probably about the way they were wrapped around each other when they woke up this morning as well. She wanted so badly for things not to be awkward between them, but obviously until this was resolved, they were going to be.

'Umm, no, I think I will eat quickly then have a shower. We don't have a lot of food in the house, and we're almost out of diapers. I thought I'd better do a bit of grocery shopping.'

'Okay,' she said slowly. 'Would you like me to come with you? We could take Lucy for a walk in the park or something? The fresh air would be nice.'

'No, I just…' Finally, he let her see the pained look in his eyes. 'I just need some time to think Neela. I'm sorry, I'll be back by lunchtime I promise. I…'

She wished she could hug him, wrap her arms around him in comfort and reassurance, but she had a breakfast tray balanced across her knees and he was already withdrawing from the room. 'It's fine Ray. Don't apologise. Take as long as you want; you don't have to come straight back, you could go to the hospital, drop in and see how everyone is or something like that if you want.'

He nodded silently, and left her to her thoughts.

A little while later, after she had finished eating, she heard the front door of the apartment shut firmly. He had been very upset, she could tell, even though he had been working hard to hide it from her. She didn't mean to hurt him anymore; she had done enough of that, but she just wasn't ready for anything romantic yet. She wanted to be ready. In bed this morning, she had been almost breathless with desire for him, but that didn't mean that emotionally she was able to cope with being in a relationship again.

She shouldn't have married Michael, she knew that now. If things hadn't been so rushed at the time, she probably would have had enough time to think better of it. But losing him so soon, and knowing that all the while, the marriage had been a lie, with another man's, with Ray's, baby growing inside her, had ripped her apart. It made her question who she was, whether all the morals and principles she had built her life around were now crushed to nothing because she had forsaken them for love. Through Ray's support, she could now see that she didn't have to give up on who she was just because she'd made a mistake. She knew Ray had already forgiven her for making that mistake, for choosing Michael over him. All she needed now was a little more time to forgive herself.


	10. Just desserts

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Seems like a little appeal has helped bolster the reviews! I know it's shameless, but as any of you writers out there know, reviews do serve an important purpose for any writer to continue with and improve their work. And so, in return for the additional reviews, for which I am very grateful, I've worked extra hard to get this up quickly.

When Ray left the apartment, he jumped in the car and drove to the grocery store, getting the shopping over as quickly as he could. Unless it was throwing a few essentials in a basket at the Jumbomart in a stolen moment, he hated it, regarding it as a real chore. Once he was done, he pondered on what to do next.

He didn't want to go home yet. Much as his heart was aching to have been away from them for the whole forty minutes it had been since he left, he knew he needed some time away. He wasn't sure if he even needed to think, just to have a change of scene. In the very limited spare moments that he had had recently, thinking seemed to have been the only thing that he had done, his mind constantly spinning with all the thoughts that he did have bouncing around.

There was always her suggestion of swinging by the hospital. It was either that, or visiting a friend, but since the band had left, he had lost touch with many of his formerly wide circle of friends and acquaintances. And now, what did he have in common with them? He was a father, not a hard drinking, hard partying rocker like he used to be.

As he walked through the hospital doors, it seemed like he hadn't been away. But then, it had only been two weeks.

Morris was the first to greet him. 'Ray, my man, how are you? Where've you been?'

Luka was there too, listening. Oh, you sod, Morris, he thought. You know exactly where he's been. Where's Weaver when you need her?

Ray seemed relatively unflustered. He looked Morris straight in the eye and replied quietly, 'I'm good thanks. Tired but good. I've been taking a bit of time to give Neela a hand.'

'Really? Have you now?'

Luka was tempted to step in, but the more of an issue was made of it, the more it would feed the gossip, he knew.

Ray continued in his quiet, restrained tone. Inside, he wanted to throttle Morris for his incessant curiosity and insistent questioning, but he knew that would do far more harm than good. 'Yes. It's not easy being a single mother you know, Morris. She's just lost her husband and she lives on a different continent from her family.'

In almost everyone else, Ray's speech would have been enough to elicit some sort of sympathy, empathy, or at least a cessation in the questions or comments. Not Morris though.

'So you thought you'd cut in, eh? Guess it was "roomies with benefits" after all?' Ray knew he didn't mean it maliciously. In fact, when Morris wasn't behaving like an adolescent, they usually got along well enough. But right now, he wanted to punch him. Right at this moment in time, his knuckles were burning to connect with the other man's jaw; he wanted to knock him right off his feet.

Luka watched Ray's jaw clench and he hurried over to prevent an argument. 'Ray, how are you? I didn't expect to see you in here today.' He shot Morris a quick, quelling look that he had seen Kerry use, and to his surprise, it worked. Morris made his excuses and left to attend to a patient or trail the new intern with whom he was infatuated, Hope; one or the other, he wasn't sure which.

'Thank you. I know he's only being his usual, nosy self but… I'm a bit sensitive to anything to do with Neela I guess.'

'I understand, don't worry about it. How are things going?' Although not all that many years older than Ray, Luka found himself speaking to the younger man with a fatherly tone.

Ray looked from side to side and dropped his voice before he replied, ensuring they were not overheard. 'Things with Lucy are fantastic, better than fantastic. She wakes us up about ten times a night and I feel absolutely fried, but it's amazing. I never realised that being a father could be so…' He smiled up at him, and gave a little shrug. 'Well, you know what I mean, don't you?'

Luka chuckled appreciatively. 'Yes, I know _exactly_ what you mean. What about Neela? How is she coping? How are things with the two of you? Abby seemed to think that you two were…' He left a short pause to allow Ray to finish the sentence in his mind. There was a twinkle in his eye when he continued. 'I must confess, I'd be inclined to agree with her.'

The same basic enquiry that Morris was making, from Luka, sounded totally different. A genuine concern, even a bit of banter between friends. He liked Luka, and respected him, but he had an inbuilt distrust of authority; a residue from his rocker days he guessed, that had always prevented him from thinking of his boss as his friend. But now he was seeing the situation in a different light. Abby and Neela were best friends, new mothers. It was inevitable that he and Luka would spend a good deal of time together, and as he thought about it, he decided he'd quite like it if they could become friends. And he could do with someone he trusted to confide in who had sufficient maturity to empathise and offer useful advice.

'Things there are not so good. It's all very… up in the air, confusing. I don't want to push her into anything she doesn't want or isn't ready for, but at the same time, I want this so badly that I'm not sure I can _not_ push her.'

Luka understood the other man's sentiments, and identified with them strongly. It reminded him of when Abby had first found out she was pregnant. He had tried so hard to not put any pressure on her, to not influence her decision, but there was no way he could lie to her or hide his feelings on the matter. It had turned out well for them. Maybe luck would shine on Ray and Neela also.

'I understand,' he replied. 'And it's not easy, but the things worth working for never are. Hang in there Ray.'

Ray smiled in reply, appreciating the support. He still saw Luka as enough of an authority figure to believe him when he said something.

The moment of solidarity didn't last long. They were interrupted by the excited chirruping of Hope. Ray wasn't entirely sure what to make of her; she seemed nice enough, and was shaping up to be a good doctor, but her overt religion was a bit much for him, and boy, could she talk. Also, she came with the unfortunate downside of almost always having Morris in tow.

'Doctor Barnett,' she gushed. 'It's so nice to see you back here. How is Baby Lucy? Is Doctor Rasgotra going to bring her in for a visit? I'd love to see her. Or perhaps I could come round and see them at home if they didn't want to come in here. I'm not sure I'd want to bring a new baby into this place; think of all the viruses flying around. Lucy's such a pretty name, isn't it? I bet it really suits her. Doctor Rasgotra obviously has good taste.'

Ray was certain she didn't stop once to draw for breath, but her genuine interest and eagerness made him warm to her. 'Actually, I chose the name Lucy.' The sentence slipped from his lips before he could stop it, and as soon as it was out, it started the ball rolling.

Hope didn't seem to get the undertone of his statement, but it wasn't lost on Morris, whose face went slack with shock. 'You named Neela's baby?' Ray nodded briefly. 'Why would you do that?'

Out of the corner of his eye, Ray saw Luka wince. This was it. Morris already knew the answer, it was written all over his face, but Ray couldn't really blame him for wanting confirmation; it was in his nature to be an asshole, he didn't do it deliberately. With a sinking heart, he noticed Pratt suddenly appear, as if by magic. Did the guy have radar or something?

'Umm…' He floundered, but there was no way out of this. Come on man, be honest. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. And far better it comes out now and there is a chance for the dust to settle before Neela comes anywhere near here. The less of it she's exposed to, the better.

He took a deep breath, and spoke loud enough so everyone in the vicinity could hear, Hope and Morris, the hovering Pratt, Frank who was pretending his ears weren't sharply tuned and pointing his way. He knew everyone was listening anyway. 'I… I named Neela's baby because she's my daughter too. I'm Lucy's father.'

He had known there would be no good way for this to come out, but this was definitely a bad way. Poor Hope looked like she had swallowed a porcupine; she clearly wished she had never raised the subject in the first place. Morris looked a cross between shocked and smug. Frank was plain smug. He didn't want to look at Pratt to see his reaction, but he could feel his eyes boring into him and involuntarily, he found his gaze being dragged in that direction.

Up until this point, he and Pratt had been friends. When he had warned him off Neela shortly after Gallant's death, there had been an unspoken inference of "not now" rather than "not at all". But the look in the eyes that met his was icy cold.

'What did you say?' Pratt's tone was quiet and dangerous. Luka, who was standing behind Ray, took a step forward, eager to diffuse the situation that was brewing, but Ray put a hand out to stop him. If he was going to get punched, then so be it. He probably deserved it, and though he disliked violence and rarely resorted to it himself, if he was in Pratt's position, he couldn't say for sure that he wouldn't do the same.

'I'm the father of Neela's baby.' He managed to hold eye contact, although he wasn't sure how. He dropped the volume of his voice to match Pratt's.

'How?' Ray was almost tempted to give the stock, joker's, "well, if you don't know that…" answer, but he thought better of it given the gravity of the situation, and Pratt's hastily added, 'And don't be smart with me.'

'I'm sorry, man.'

'I asked you a question.'

'It was before she was married. Just before.'

'Why should I believe you?'

Ray had tried to keep a control on his temper, as he knew Pratt had every right to behave as he was, but he couldn't just stand there and take it. Every man has the right to defend himself. 'Because I'm not a liar, and I definitely wouldn't lie about something as important to me as Neela and Lucy are. I said it was before the wedding, and it was. Do the math. Not that it's any of your business,' he added unwisely.

'It's my business when you announce that you're the father of my best mate's wife's baby.'

'Neela isn't his wife, she's his widow. And the mother of _my _child. I'm sorry Gallant died, believe me I am. I've seen the hurt it's caused. But he left her then he died. Lucy's my responsibility, nothing to do with him. You claim to care about Neela; would you have me abandon her like Gallant did?'

Ray knew he'd overstepped the mark. He knew he was overstepping it even as he was speaking, but he couldn't help himself. He couldn't bear to hear anyone cast a shadow over what he and Neela had together. In his eyes, to say that what they did was wrong was to say that Lucy's existence was wrong, and he wouldn't accept that from anyone. He could feel Luka behind him, understanding what was driving him but the silent disapproval emanating from him in waves, and everyone else took a step back, keen to remove themselves from the scene.

He had just enough time to see the fist coming, but not enough to duck or take any evasive action. It connected with his face square on the jaw, and knocked him right off his feet just as he had ached to do with Morris earlier. Pratt looked like he was going to move in for more, but Luka swiftly placed himself between them, noting with annoyance that nobody else had any inclination to do anything about the situation other than watch avidly.

'Pratt, that's enough.'

'No way.'

'I said, _that's enough_. Take a break, don't come back until you've calmed down.'

'Are you throwing me out? You have got to be kidding me. You can't expect me to listen to that.'

'No, but nor do I expect two of my doctors to get into a bar room brawl in my department. Now, do as I say; go and cool off. I don't care if it takes ten minutes, the rest of the shift, or a week, but I don't want to see you in here again until you're ready to behave like an adult.'

When Pratt had stormed out, Luka offered a hand to Ray and pulled him to his feet. 'Come on, into an exam room. Let's check you out.' He turned and addressed the loitering staff; they had drawn quite a crowd. 'Everyone else, get back to work.'

As soon as they were in exam two and the door safely closed behind them, Luka started on Ray.

'That wasn't clever Ray, not at all. I expected better of you. Pratt has lost his friend; he's grieving, and you _deliberately_ antagonised him.'

'I'm sorry,' he mumbled through a thick lip.

'I don't want an apology,' Luka replied sharply. 'Save that for Pratt. I want an explanation.' His face softened for a moment. 'And a reason why I shouldn't rat you out to Abby and Neela for behaving so appallingly.'

Ray knew from the smile in the eyes behind the glare that the telling off was for his own good, so he gave an honest explanation. 'I made up my mind to let him have a go; I figured it was the least I could do. But when he started, I just felt like he was implying that Lucy shouldn't exist or something, and I couldn't take it. I know I provoked him and that I shouldn't have done it but I just saw red.'

'It's all right, I understand. If I felt someone was saying that about Joe, I would react in the same way. I'll want you to apologise to him at some point, but not yet, wait for a while until he's calmed down.'

'Okay.' Ray knew it was only fair.

'Now, let's see if he did any damage.' Luka began to carefully examine Ray's face. His lip was split and bleeding, but a gentle manipulation of the jaw revealed no breaks and he wasn't in enough pain for a dislocation. 'I think you were lucky; there doesn't appear to be anything worse than a bit of blood. I can send you for an x-ray if you want, to be on the safe side, but I don't think you need one. How does it feel to you?'

Gingerly, Ray wiggled his jaw from side to side a little. 'It hurts, but it feels okay. I think I'll live.'

'Good.' He stepped back and peeled off his latex gloves. 'Wait there and I'll send in one of the nurses to clean you up a bit.'

'I'm fine,' Ray replied automatically. He saw the doubtful look in Luka's eyes and carried on persuasively. 'Honestly. I've gotten into worse than this before.' Zoe's Dad sprang to mind. Now that had been a fair beating. Besides, he didn't want to face anyone right now. They would only ask questions, make comments, look disapprovingly.

'I think it needs tidying up properly; you're still bleeding, you might need a couple of sutures. I'll try to find Sam.'

They both knew out of all nurses, Sam would be the least judgemental and unlikely to gossip. With a sigh that hurt his lip, he agreed. And it would be nice for the bleeding to stop; he hated the warm, metallic taste of blood that was filling his mouth.

When Sam came in, she had a wide grin on her face that immediately put him on guard. 'What?' he asked suspiciously as she began to work on cleaning up the mess Pratt had made of his face.

'Ray Barnett, a father,' she teased. 'Neela as a mum I see,' she continued, before frowning slightly, as if thinking better of her statement. 'Well, I can kind of see. But you as a dad?'

'Hey, I'm a very good dad as it happens.' His was only pretending to be defensive; he knew Sam was joking around with him, and it was nice to have someone not condemn him for his actions.

'Ray,' she said, the tone of mockery gone, 'I'm sure you are. I'm really pleased for both of you. I think its fantastic news.'

'You do?' he asked, surprised.

'Yes, of course. I don't mean to disrespect Gallant's memory, but it's got to be better for both Neela and Lucy for Lucy's father to be still alive, and better yet, to be so willing to be involved. I brought up Alex alone, and it was beyond hard. A child should be raised in a loving family; you and Neela will be brilliant parents.'

Her words really encouraged him. It was one thing to hear that from Abby and Luka, who were of course going to be supportive, but Sam wasn't a close friend, and she wasn't known to say things she didn't mean either. 'Thank you Sam, you have no idea what that means to me to hear you say that.'

She smiled at him, then finished her suturing, stepping back to admire her handiwork. He let his tongue probe his lip, feeling the two stitches she had put in. 'There,' she said, 'that's better. You still look a mess, but at least you won't give children nightmares anymore.'

He tried to smile back at her but it hurt too much. Instead, he settled with thanking her again.

She waved away his words. 'Don't worry about it Ray. Now, off you go. Go home.'


	11. Consequences

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Poor Ray, I know we all love him, but he did have that one coming I think! Thank you again for the reviews for the last chapter. Updates for the next fortnight may be on the patchy and infrequent side, as my finals start in less than a week, and I guess I ought to start revising _sometime_, but please bear with me – I will write whenever I have the time.

When Ray got home, the little bit of local anaesthetic Sam had used to numb his lip while she sutured it was beginning to wear off, and the pain was really starting to kick in. On the up side however, at least he wasn't speaking like a stroke victim anymore. When he walked in the door, Neela called out to him. From the distance of her voice, she sounded like she was in the lounge.

'Hey, you're back, are you all right?'

Listening carefully to her tone, Ray decided she sounded as if she had coped well on her own. He had to confess, he had been worried at having left her for so long. It wasn't that she wasn't capable of looking after Lucy, she was more than capable, but he wasn't sure that she believed that herself. He took his jacket off and hung it up. 'Yep, not too bad. I got the groceries. Did you manage okay here?'

'Of course,' she answered, proud of herself. It had been the better part of three hours that Ray had been gone, and to her surprise she hadn't felt lost or panicked without him once. 'Lucy and I have been singing nursery rhymes.'

'Nursery rhymes?' he teased, now in the kitchen unpacking the shopping. 'Don't inflict those on the poor girl; she's my daughter, she was born with taste you know. Play her The Clash or something, she needs to learn young.'

'Learn what exactly? How to destroy her eardrums and piss off an entire apartment block?' She countered spiritedly.

'Learn how to appreciate real music.'

He heard her sceptical snort from the next room, and some sort of mutterings about that being a matter of opinion. 'So, where did you go, did you call in at the hospital?'

'Yeah, I stopped by for a while.' He finished putting the last of the groceries away, and crumpled up the shopping bag to throw it away. He knew he was just stalling, putting off going into the lounge where she could see his lip. She would go crazy when he told her what happened, and he wanted to protect her from any further upset; she had been through enough.

'How was everyone? Who did you see? Is there any news on how Jerry has been recovering lately?' Her tone was light and interested.

He took a step towards the doorway; this wasn't going to be pretty. Knowing Neela, she probably had a right hook to match anything that Pratt could offer. Lowering his voice now he was in the same room as her, he answered her question. 'I forgot to ask about Jerry. I had a chat with Kovac, and Pratt, Morris and Hope were about as well. Same old, you know.' She was lying on the floor propping herself up on her elbow, next to the baby mat that Lucy was on, too engrossed with the baby for the moment, and listened without turning round to look at him, so he carried on talking. 'Hope wants to come round and see Lucy sometime, I didn't invite her as such, but I didn't put her off either. I hope you don't mind.'

'Hope, she's one of the new interns, isn't she? I hardly know her.' Neela was playing with Lucy's toes in the sort of way that just made his heart burst at the sight of her.

'I know, neither do I. I got the impression she's quite fond of babies though,' he answered wryly.

'I see.'

And then, finally, she looked up to where he was standing in the doorway. 'Ray,' she exclaimed, leaping to her feet and rushing over to him, full of concern. 'Oh my god, are you all right? What happened to you?'

There were a trail of bloodstains on his jumper where the blood had trickled down his chin, and his lip was dark red and deeply inflamed. She'd seen him after he had been on the receiving end of violence before; that Demerol junkie who had nearly broken his nose with a bedpan, and of course the Zoë incident; he had looked a real mess after that one, but they had both been a long time ago. She was already so used to the new, responsible Ray and to see him looking like he had just gone ten rounds against a prize fighter was a nasty shock.

'I umm… you might not like this much Neela,' he started awkwardly.

She watched his eyes as they slid away from hers and fixed themselves steadfastly at a point on the floor, guilt and shame written all over his face. She took his hand and led him to the couch and sat down with a sigh.

'No, something tells me I'm not going to. Come on Ray, out with it.'

He had never been very good at lying to her; she always sussed him. 'When I was at the hospital, it sort of slipped out that I'm Lucy's father.' He watched, unspeakably guilty, as a mask of horror slipped down over her face. 'I'm so sorry Neela, I swear I didn't mean to say anything. Hope was asking about her name, and I said I chose it, then Morris latched on to that, and then it all came tumbling out, and Pratt overheard, and… I'm sorry Neela, I truly am.' His apology was a frantic stream of consciousness.

He waited on tenterhooks as the information sank in. Please God, let him not have blown this on being so stupidly, childishly eager. Please let this be all right.

Neela sat in shock. How could he have been so careless? He knew what Morris was like, how could he have been so stupid to say anything in front of him? Tears began to prick at her eyes. He reached out to brush one away as it began to tumble down her cheek, but she recoiled from his touch, her eyes black with pain.

'Neela, words can't describe how sorry I am. You know I'd _never_ intentionally do anything to hurt you or Lucy, or to make life more difficult for you. Please, say something.'

She didn't know what to say. He was obviously devastated that he had upset her, but she couldn't help but think that he should have been more thoughtful. Did he not realise what people were now thinking about her? How could he be so blind? How could… how could she blame Ray for this? It wasn't his fault he adored Lucy so much he couldn't help but proclaim her as his to anyone who would listen, and she wouldn't want him to be any other way. It wasn't his fault that that everyone in that bloody hospital felt like they had a divine right to intrude in your personal life. And it couldn't stay a secret forever; she didn't want it to. She just hadn't expected to have to deal with the consequences of the news breaking quite so soon. He had done everything he could and more since Lucy had been born. He had taken care of them both as if his life depended on it; he was right – he would never, could never, do anything to hurt her.

She looked at him and realised he was still waiting, a terrified look on his face, for her to speak. She blinked back the tears and slowly reached out to gently touch his swollen lip. He winced in pain, his eyes searching hers for some sort of reaction.

'It's okay Ray, I'm not angry at you,' she said sadly. 'I should have known it would be impossible to keep this a secret, even for a little while; I understand why you told people.' She paused to look deeply at him. 'You… you said Greg heard – did he do this to you?' She knew this was Pratt's handiwork without having to ask. Of course he would defend the memory of his friend, but his support in this would have meant a lot. She felt her lip tremble again at the thought of the disappointing, disapproving look in his eyes, transferring it in her mind to Michael's eyes.

Ray nodded, shamefaced. 'It was nothing more than I deserve,' he said. He would leave it at that; with any luck, she would never find out what he had said to Pratt that had led to the punch. He didn't think Neela would be quite so disposed to be forgiving if she heard that.

He could see that she was on the verge of tears again, so he moved towards her on the couch and gathered her into his arms. She laid a cheek against his chest, and he felt a wet warmth from her eyes spread across his t-shirt. 'Shh, Neela, don't cry, please don't cry. It'll be all right, I promise.' He murmured platitudes without really thinking, rocking her gently, knowing that holding her was better comfort than anything he could say.

'How can everything ever be okay, Ray? People at the hospital, they're all Michael's friends; they'll hate us. They'll hate me,' she sobbed, not completely knowing what she was saying, just trying to let out some of the pain.

'No they won't Neela, people will know you never meant to hurt Michael. No one could ever hate you.'

'What about me? _I_ hate me for what I've done. I don't deserve for everything to be okay, I don't deserve to be a mother. Lucy deserves better than me.'

He had been intending to just let her cry it out, knowing that it was one of many dark moments of grief and guilt they were going to have to get through, but hearing her say those things, being so critical of herself, he couldn't bear to listen. It couldn't be further from the truth. Holding her away from him, he put a hand on either side of her blotchy, tearstained face and looked at her earnestly. 'Neela, please don't say that. You're amazing and beautiful and strong, and you deserve the very best of everything, and I am going to make sure you get that. Lucy could not have a better mother.'

He wouldn't let her turn away from him, but she shut her eyes against his intensity, more tears leaking out from under her closed lids. 'Don't say that.'

'It's true, Neela. You have no idea how much it hurts me to hear you put yourself down like that. I know things are terrible for you at the moment, but it's not your fault. Michael went back to Iraq because it was something he needed to do, for him. Not because of you didn't love him enough or what we did. That's what you're scared of, isn't it.'

Her silence answered his question. There was nothing more he could say, so he took her in his arms again. After a long time, he felt her sobs begin to subside.

'I'm sorry, Ray,' she said, her voice muffled due to the fact she was speaking directly into his t-shirt.

'Don't be sorry,' he replied, stroking her hair. 'Don't ever be sorry for anything with me, Neela.'

'Not even for getting mascara all over your favourite t-shirt?' She broke away from him to offer a watery smile.

He looked down. She was right, it was covered. 'Well, maybe you should be sorry for that.' He grinned at her.

She became serious again. 'Thank you. You know I don't mean to be like this, I just…'

'Hey, it's all right. Whatever you need.'

She smiled again, more confidently this time, signalling an end to the conversation. Wanting to move away from her depression, Neela held his chin and turned his face, inspecting the wound from all angles. 'It's been cleaned up well. Who sutured it for you?'

'Sam.'

'Is it still sore?'

'Very,' he replied with a pout, giving her puppy dog eyes. 'The anaesthetic has worn off now and I feel like someone tried to detach my lip from my face with a pick axe.'

'Poor baby.'

'She sends her congratulations by the way, to us both. Sam does,' he added.

'She said that?' Neela raised her eyebrows in surprise.

'She said she thinks its fantastic news.' He reached up to where her hand was now gently cupping his face, and covered her small, smooth hand with his much larger one. 'Not everyone thinks badly of us, Neela.' He tried to comfort her.

'I'm glad Ray. But I'm not entirely sure I really care. As long as I have Lucy and you, I'm happy. I don't think it matters what anyone thinks of us.'

'Well rest assured, I'm not going anywhere.'

'Good,' she smiled at him. 'Because I don't want you to.'


	12. Ice cream

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: I'm not sure how the next few chapters are going to pan out; this could be very slow progress. I've got the last several chapters of this story all sorted in my head, but no idea how to get there, so please bear with me. There's nothing like being in desperate need of doing some revision to alleviate writers' block however! And thank you for the reviews, please keep it up, particularly at the moment. I'm stuck in revision Hell and need cheering up!

Neela was lying in bed, wide awake. The red numbers of her alarm clock, which for the last several hours she had been consulting on a regular basis, told her it was ten past six in the morning. Lucy had slept through the night for the first time, but the night had not been so easy for her mother. Neela knew that she should be delighted at the unbroken opportunity for sleep, but try as she might, she had barely closed her eyes all night.

A voice in the back of her mind was trying to tell her why, but she was resolutely ignoring it. It was far easier to tell herself that she was worried about Pratt, what he thought of her, of Ray, of Lucy. Pratt's opinion for her had become intertwined with Michael's, and she knew that if only she could elicit a supportive smile from Greg then she stood a chance, at least, of fighting the crippling guilt that was still in danger of crushing her. Yes, that was the reason she couldn't sleep. It was nothing to do with the fact that tonight was the first night in two weeks now that Ray had not ended up in here. It was nothing to do with the fact that Ray was returning to work tomorrow and the thought of not seeing him for ten, twelve hours made her feel a little cold.

For Ray, sleep was so distant he wasn't even in bed anymore. He was, and had been for some time, standing at the window, watching dawn come up over the city. All night, his ears had been sharpened for Lucy's cries, waiting for the sign that meant that he could go to them. But tonight, it hadn't come. He started to panic that something was wrong, but he knew in reality, Lucy and Neela were fine. The only thing that was wrong was that he couldn't sleep without them in his arms.

God, what was he going to do? If living with Neela in the weeks that she had remained in the apartment after her wedding was torture, this was at a whole other level. Before, he had loved her, but it was only his feelings on the line, hers maybe as well, but when she had left, he had let her go because that was the easiest thing to do; hard as Hell, but it was the path of least resistance. Now there wasn't that escape route available. Now they had Lucy, so they had to make this crazy arrangement work. He'd messed it up last time because he couldn't keep his feelings for her in check, and he was terrified that the same would happen again.

He touched his lip. It was healing well, but he still hadn't managed to heal his row with Pratt. He'd called him twice, left a message once, but there had been no reply. It didn't sit well with him being at odds with Pratt. He had to return to work soon, which would be hard and awkward enough without animosity as well, and more than that, Pratt was his friend, and Ray didn't like the idea of him thinking badly of him. Although he had good reason of course.

He sighed, and looked at the wall to Neela's room longingly. Was it wrong to wish his daughter would wake up and cry? Yes, of course it was. It was the height of selfishness. He thought of Neela asleep in that bed that somehow seemed so much comfier than his own. He should be glad she was getting some rest. All he saw now when he lay in his own bed and closed his eyes was images of her playing through his mind. The way her dark hair had tumbled down and brushed against his chest as she reared above him. The way her skin had been so smooth against his. The way her eyes looked, full of love, as he slid into her. The way they had looked, the next morning, as the shutters came down on what had been and he was closed out. Man, no wonder he couldn't sleep.

When morning proper came, neither said a word of their sleepless night. Ray knocked softly on her bedroom door at around eight with the now customary tray of tea and pancakes, although now, his own breakfast invariably joined hers on the tray. She was sitting up in bed, giving Lucy her first feed of the day. The sight, as usual, devastated him. She looked up and smiled. Was it his imagination, or did she look tired?

'Morning Ray.'

'Morning, how did you sleep?' he asked with a smile that was designed to hopefully deflect her from making an enquiry of her own.

No, he wasn't imagining it. There were shadows under her eyes, dark thumbprints of tiredness and worry. But if she didn't say, he wouldn't ask, and he knew from her wide smile, as genuine as his own was, that she wasn't going to say. 'She slept right through. From eleven all the way to ten minutes ago when I woke her. I can't believe it.' She hadn't answered his question, he noticed.

He smiled in return, and settled himself on "his" side of the bed, balancing the tray on his legs. 'Hurry up with that, your pancakes will get cold.'

'Unfortunately, I don't have a choice. I'm feeding your daughter, and she's very demanding.'

'Must have got that from her mother then,' he said with a grin, safe in the knowledge that with the baby in her arms, he was safe from her hitting him.

He took a sip of his tea and loaded his fork with pancakes. He was about to bring it to his mouth, when she said, 'Nu-uh. That's mine. You don't get to call me demanding if I don't live up to expectations. Feed me.' She gave him an arch smile and he could have sworn there was the hint of flirtation in her tone.

He wasn't sure if he heard her correctly. To cover up his confusion, he put the fork down and drank some more tea. When she spoke again, her voice was normal and he convinced himself he'd been imagining things, hearing things that weren't there. 'Please Ray, I'm starving, the smell of that food is killing me. Just a mouthful.'

Neela didn't realise until the first words were out of her lips just what they sounded like, and she could tell by his flustered reaction that he was uncomfortable. She tried to make the request again, making it come out more as she had originally intended. She was hungry, and she wanted some pancakes. That was all.

The second time she asked the question her voice was normal enough for him to be able to handle fulfilling her request. Just. He lifted the fork full of food to her mouth, and she mumbled appreciatively. 'Thank you. You can have your pancakes back now. I can wait for my own.'

Thank God, he thought. He didn't know if he could have managed doing that again. He concentrated on his breakfast while she gently winded Lucy and settled her back in the cot, before reaching for her own mug of tea.

'I wish I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow,' he said, stretching out on the bed. 'I could get used to this. Breakfast in bed, days of hedonistic pleasure.'

'You used to be in a rock band and you call these days of hedonistic pleasure? That's going a bit far isn't it? I wouldn't describe dirty nappies and baby sick all over your shoulder as hedonistic pleasure. '

He turned to look at her. 'I've changed a lot Neela. To me, this month of just being able to spend time with you and Lucy has been the best time of my life, bar none.'

She gave him a small smile. 'I know they have Ray. They have been for me too. It's just hard.'

'I understand, Neela. I do. All I want to be is here for you. I'm worried about what happens tomorrow. Will you be all right? In this whole month, you've never spent more than a couple of hours on your own. I feel bad about having to leave you.'

'Ray, don't feel bad about it. We've been incredibly lucky to have had this time; without it, I don't know if I would have been able to cope, but I feel stronger now. I don't want you to go back, of course, but I have to do this alone sometime and –'

'Why do you have to do it alone?' he cut in. 'I'll always be here, you do know that, don't you?'

He looked worried, as if he thought she was getting at something more than she was. She put his mind at rest swiftly. 'I mean doing this on a day to day basis on my own. I'm glad you're here, and I'm glad that we're doing this together, I don't want that to change.'

He breathed a sigh of relief. 'Good. You had me worried there.'

'No need to worry,' she laughed. 'You don't get out of this one that easily.'

Another uneasy silence descended between them after another awkward conversation. Neela was working hard to put it off, but the moment was coming where they were going to have to have this conversation in full. She hated the prospect of it, there would be tears and guilt and recriminations and harsh words that they had both been trying to bury for Lucy's sake, but it was just around the corner, and it was drawing ever closer.

He was staring out of the window with a heartbreaking look on his face, and if she had any sort of courage at all, she would have broached it now. But she didn't want to mar this, their last day together before the real world came knocking at the door.

'What shall we do today then?' she asked, her voice deliberately light.

He tore his eyes from the window and turned to look at her. 'Do today?' he echoed blankly. He hadn't really been listening, far too busy with thoughts of how messed up this was, and it wasn't getting any better.

'Yes, Ray. It's our final free day that we'll get for a while. Until Abby gets back from her maternity leave, you're bound to be landed with heaps of shifts, particularly as you've had so much time off. I want to make the most of today.'

He was listening to her now, and nodded in agreement. 'You're probably right. Okay, let's make a day of it. What do you want to do?'

'I don't know. Go to the park maybe? I know we do it all the time, but it looks like it's a nice day outside, and I like it when Lucy gets some fresh air, it's good for her.'

'Sounds good, but I've got a better idea. How about we go up to Lake Michigan?'

They hadn't thought it through of course. They'd almost run out of gas on the way here and once they did arrive, they couldn't get the pram over the sand, so they'd had to leave it in the car, and carry Lucy, but Neela was glad they'd come. They rolled their trouser legs up and strolled barefoot along the water's edge. It was cold, but not bitterly so. He was holding Lucy as his larger body made for a better windbreak, and Neela threaded an arm through his, carrying their shoes in her other hand.

'This was a good idea,' she said.

'You reckon?' he asked doubtfully. 'I was just thinking that it was a bit of a disaster actually.'

'Well, I'm having a lovely time,' she replied emphatically.

He looked down at her, walking at his side. He knew from the indulgent smiles people had been giving them that they looked for all the world like any happy young couple with a new baby. It shouldn't do, but it made him feel a hundred feet tall, so proud. 'In that case, so am I.'

Their eyes met for a long moment, and he almost halted in his stride. Almost, but not quite. He spotted an ice cream stand at the top of the beach. 'Look over there. Do you fancy an ice cream?'

It was just about warm enough for ice cream, Neela thought. 'All right, why not?'

When they got to the stand, the vendor asked them what they wanted. 'Two vanilla cones please,' Ray answered. 'Here, Neela, I'll get these, you take Lucy a minute.'

She put her handbag on the counter of the stand to reach out and take Lucy from him. She began to grizzle at the move, so Neela stepped away down the beach a little way to prevent a disturbance. Ray paid for the ice creams and thanked the vendor. He was a couple of steps down the beach when a voice called after him.

'Here sir, your wife left her purse behind.'

Ray turned around. The correction was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't quite get the words out. They were right there, but there was something about them that made them stick in his throat. Instead, he smiled his thanks, took the bag, and returned to Neela's side. He held the ice cream for her to lick while she held Lucy, laughing as her hair got caught in it as it blew in the wind and she ended up with ice cream all over her face.

When he looked back up the beach, the ice cream vendor was still watching them, smiling.


	13. Tears

Disclaimer: As before. The song is London Calling, by The Clash of course.

Author's Note: One exam down, three to go. It went relatively well (or as well as Agricultural Law and Valuation exams ever can go) so I'm in a remarkably good mood. Don't assume that means you're getting to get some more fluff though – all your appreciative comments on the last chapter made me realise that this story is shifting away from what I originally intended it to be. It is listed as angst after all!

The following morning, Ray would have traded just about anything to have one more day with them. He and Neela had gone through their usual routine of breakfast in bed, considerably earlier and less leisurely than they had become used to admittedly, and now he was standing at the door, willing to trade just about anything for one more minute. Ten hours. Although add on the time it took to get there and get home, plus the fact that knowing his luck, they'd be absolutely slammed all day, and the ten hours would inevitably turn into twelve or even fourteen.

And it wasn't just that he was upset that he had to leave them, although he found the thought of it broke his heart. He was worried about Neela. She was excellent with Lucy, attentive and very much in tune to her needs, but he had noticed that she always looked to him to make any decisions and it was almost as if… she was constantly seeking reassurance from him that what she was doing was right. As if she didn't trust her own judgement. He wasn't sure where that feeling had come from; Neela had always struck him as a very positive character, he had seen it at work. Occasionally, although less so these days, she was unsure of herself and doubted her own ability, but she was usually willing to have a go and under pressure she always came through. And at home, when they had lived together first time round, he had seen it every second of every day. She was never slow to tell him what she thought or chew his ear off over his latest misdemeanour. Her current uncertainly unsettled him. It was what made him doubt that she was as okay as she was pretending to be. Having said that, he reflected, fine one he was to talk about pretence.

He had no choice but to go to work though. Kovac had been extremely understanding, and Ray couldn't thank him enough for his patience with them, but he knew that even Luka was at the end of his tether. He'd asked him to come back a week ago, begged him to come back three days ago, and put his foot down the day before yesterday when he had called to tell him that he _would_ be at the hospital at seven o'clock this morning without fail.

He grabbed his keys and put his coat on. Neela, still in pajamas and holding Lucy, followed him to the door. 'Are you sure you're going to be all right?' he asked.

'Ray, we'll be fine. Go, else you'll be late.' She looked down at the baby, head resting on her shoulder and wide eyes fixed on her Daddy, whom she clearly adored. 'Lucy, say goodbye to Daddy.' Dark, bush-baby eyes stared back and he lowered his head to kiss her on the forehead.

'Bye baby.' He briefly flitted with the idea of kissing Neela as well. Her skin looked warm and inviting and the fresh, soft smell of her was in his nostrils and he was so close. But he didn't. He didn't have the right to, for one, and he didn't have the desire to make things even more complicated. And then, just as he was beginning to straighten up and turn to reach for the door handle, she stood on her tiptoes, and carefully, so as not to squash Lucy, she leant towards him and kissed him, brushing his cheek with her lips just firmly enough for him to be sure it was real. He tried to stifle his gasp of surprise but he knew that she had heard him.

It occurred to him then that with her standing with their daughter in her arms and kissing him as he went off to work in the morning that they were every inch the family tableau that the ice cream vendor of yesterday thought they were, except there was this… _thing_ between them. This insurmountable obstacle that they just couldn't get past. It was the reason why last night, he had _pretended_ he had heard Lucy crying so he could go into them. It was the reason why even though Lucy was fast asleep and as quiet as a mouse, Neela had been lying there, wide awake, and pulled back the bedcovers for him to crawl in, giving him the same grateful smile as she did when Lucy was bawling her head off. It was the reason why she was turning away bashfully after the peck on the cheek she had just given him. It was the reason why he was now hurrying to get out of the door and away from the awkwardness as quickly as he could.

He muttered some words; he wasn't entirely sure what they were but it was some sort of farewell and good luck wish, with the entreaty to call him whenever she needed to, for whatever reason. The door clattered shut behind him.

She heard his footsteps running down the stairs. Was he running because he was late, because of what she just did, or from her in general? She wished she knew. She also wished she knew why she had just kissed him. It had been a completely instinctive reaction. One minute she'd been standing there, and the Ray she had been standing with was the Ray that she had managed in her mind to put into the nice, safe box of "excellent father, best friend, all round godsend" and then he had leaned down to kiss Lucy and she had found herself wishing it was her he was leaning towards rather than their daughter. Which had made him jump out of the safe box, and into an altogether more dangerous one. She wasn't sure how to categorise it. He was just _Ray. _

From the moment she first saw him, with uncharacteristically floppy hair and none of the apprehension that first-day interns usually had, he always had made her pulse increase just that little bit. Whenever she was near him, she always lost her concentration just that little bit. And she knew she should be past that now; after the path that they had travelled, it shouldn't matter anymore. But somehow, it just did, and more than that, she couldn't bring herself to want it to not matter.

But as soon as she started thinking along those lines, all the guilt and hurt over Michael came back and threatened to overwhelm her yet again. Automatically, as soon as the image of her husband entered her thoughts, her lip began to tremble and she felt the tears well up in her eyes, but she pushed them back determinedly. Today was about being strong. Today was about proving to herself that she _could _do this, because if she managed to do that, then just maybe she wasn't as messed up as she thought she was. And if that was the case, perhaps she _was_ ready to confront what was going on with Ray.

She knew he felt it too. He'd felt it all along. It was why she had had to move out, and it was why she had moved back in again. Every time he looked at her, there was so much emotion in his eyes that it almost made her look away again. He was willing to give her all the time in the world, and then some. She'd never had someone feel that strongly about her, but it didn't scare her anymore; she no longer felt the compulsion to run, to push him away as she had done before. Now, it was just a case of summoning the courage to take the next step.

Sighing, she tried to rein in her thoughts. There was a lot of talking to do yet. Maybe if today went well and he wasn't too exhausted when he got home, they could talk tonight. Or maybe not, she really didn't know. Her whole life at the moment was such a step by step process.

She looked down at the baby in her arms. Now Ray was gone, Lucy was staring up at her. Neela smiled. She was such a beautiful little thing. She had her dark eyes, but Ray's mischievous glint danced in them. There were wisps of soft black hair that was all Neela, but her pouting lips came from her father, and her olive skin was somewhere between his paleness and her coffee colour.

She carried her into the lounge, and settled on the sofa. She laid Lucy on her back out on her knees and leaned forward over her, letting her hair dangle down, laughing as tiny fists reached up and tried to grab it. 'Oh, that's fun is it? Do you like trying to pull Mummy's hair?' She indulged in the game a little longer, loving Lucy's reaction.

She lifted her up so their eyes were level. 'What now then? More nursery rhymes?' A tiny bottom lip stuck itself out in true Barnett pout. 'Oh, I see. We are a Daddy's girl, aren't we? Well, you asked for it Lucy.' She got up, scoping the baby into her arms, and went to the stereo, quickly flicking through Ray's pile of CDs next to it. She smiled as she found the one she was after, then frowned immediately when she opened the case and something completely different was inside. Typical Ray. After a bit more searching, she came across what she was looking for.

Sliding the disc into the player, she stood by the window, looking out over the city. In her opinion, it was a bit early in the morning for The Clash, but if it was what Lucy wanted…

_London calling to the faraway towns_

_Now war is declared, and battle come down_

_London calling to the underworld_

_Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls_

As soon as the first notes filtered into the room, Lucy began to pay attention to the music. She started to wave a fist again at the sound, and her eyes flickered around to try to see where the noise was coming from. 'Wow,' Neela exclaimed, watching the reaction, 'you _do_ like that, don't you? Wait until I tell Daddy this one, he'll be over the moon.' She smiled wryly. 'And he'll never let me forget it, either.'

_London calling, now don't look at us_

_Phoney Beatlemania has bitten the dust_

_London calling, see we ain't got no swing_

'_Cept for the ring of that truncheon thing…_

'Now London, that's where Mummy's from. It's a lovely place, and we have great big old buildings and we all drive on the normal side of the road.' She laughed at herself before she launched into a full stereotype of England. 'And one day, I'm going to take you and Daddy there and show you all of it.'

She returned to the sofa and let the music wash over her. She didn't hate it half as much as she pretended to Ray that she did, and watching Lucy enjoy it brought a genuine smile to her face. It was still early, and it wasn't long before, despite the music, they both drifted off to sleep.

Neela woke very suddenly to the sound of Lucy crying, a shrill, piercing wail that cut her head in half. She glanced briefly at her watch. Ten thirty. She'd grabbed four whole hours, in addition to the three she'd managed in the night after Ray had come in. She wasn't awake enough to be able to handle this level of noise though. 'Oh, what's this? Come on sweetheart, quieten down for Mummy. What is it? How about a nice clean nappy? Come on, let's go and get you changed.' A couple of minutes and a clean nappy later, and it had had no corrosive effect on the crying at all.

'Lucy, baby. Are you hungry, is that it?'

That wasn't it. She ceased her racket just long enough for a feed, then promptly started screaming again. It wasn't long before Neela felt the warmth of regurgitated milk on her shoulder. Looking down, there was baby sick all over the sofa as well. 'Oh Luce, did you have to? Right, cleaning time for Mummy.'

Trying to block out her daughter's cries, she quickly cleaned up the mess from herself, the sofa and Lucy. Once she had done that, she laid her down in the cot for a moment. She just needed a second to gather her thoughts. If only she would stop crying, just for a little while. She sat on the edge of the bed heavily, her head ringing, and stared blankly at her daughter. Come on, Neela, she thought to herself. She cries like this all the time; what do you normally do? What would you do if Ray was here?

Well, we'd load her into the car, and take her out for a drive, she answered to herself. That was out though, Ray had the car. Failing that, a walk somewhere. Being outside always captured her attention. Yes, that would work. She quickly got dressed into some outside clothes and did the same to Lucy.

'All right then Miss. We'll go for a walk. Let's see if that cheers you up, hey?'

By the time she got to the bottom of the stairs, Neela found herself praying that it would cheer Lucy up, because it sure as Hell wasn't cheering her up. She was still bawling at the top of her little voice, and Neela felt like she had some pretty heavy duty machinery doing a dance inside her skull. The lift was broken and, on her own, it took nearly half an hour to get the pram all the way down the stairs. It had seemed so much easier with Ray there. She was nearly crying with frustration herself by the time she had left the building, and all she could think was that somehow, she was going to have to get back up again somehow.

Walking down the street, she peered down into the pram. Lucy's face was screwed up and red with anger. 'Lucy, please, for Mummy. Look, we're outside, there's lots of nice things to see.' She continued to try placating her, not noticing some of the looks she was on the receiving end of.

Several blocks later, and the crying was worse if that was possible. Neela gave up and by the time she got back to the apartment, this time the stairs had driven her to tears. If it hadn't been for the kind old lady who had moved into the apartment below them, she would probably have still been sitting in the stairwell when Ray got home that night.

When she reached the door, the woman, seeing the tears in her eyes, gave her a concerned smile. 'Are you all right my dear? Do you need a hand at all?'

'No,' Neela sniffled. 'I'm fine.' She saw the woman's doubtful look. 'Really. It's Ray's first day back at work today, we're not used to doing without him, that's all.'

'Well, I'm just downstairs if you need me.'

Neela smiled her thanks and shut the door quickly. She didn't need help, she could do this. She could. She reached into the pram and took her out. Perhaps she was ill, perhaps that's why she was crying. Gently, she put the back of her hand to her daughter's forehead, feeling for a fever.

Nothing.

'Oh come on Lucy,' she said, a note of desperation creeping into her voice. 'You've been crying for two hours now. What is it?' She could feel the tears beginning to bear down on her. 'Just please stop crying. _Please _Lucy.'

It was no good, she didn't have the energy to fight it. Returning the baby to the pram, she collapsed on the sofa, putting her hands over her ears, trying to block out the noise. Unaware of what she was doing, she started rocking back and forth, sobs racking her body, begging over and over for Lucy to stop.

Blinded by tears, she fumbled for the phone, tapping in the number of the hospital on autopilot. Timmy answered, and she made the effort to calm her voice. 'Timmy, it's Neela. Could I speak to Ray please?'

As soon as Ray was on the line, she let another sob go. 'Oh Ray, Ray, I can't do it.' Her words were punctuated with ragged breaths as she tried to squeeze air into her lungs.

'Hey, hey,' he said soothingly. Oh God, this was exactly what he had been afraid of. 'Calm down. Neela, listen to me, calm down. What's the matter? What's happened?'

'I can't do it Ray,' she repeated. 'I can't do it without you. Please come home.'


	14. Reconciliations

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Two exams down now, only two to go. This morning was somewhat less successful but I shall try not to take my bad mood out too much on this chapter! And as always, thank you for the reviews.

His first shift back had been every bit of the living hell that he had anticipated it to be. Pratt had been giving him the very cold shoulder all morning and it was one of those crazily busy days where every idiot in Chicago seemed to have an uncontrollable urge to drive their car into a tree or throw themselves in front of a gun or a bus, or pretty much anything that would cause themselves significant trauma. And it was odd to be back. He was amazed, and ashamed, at how rusty he had gotten in only a month away. He'd been on for less than five hours, and already failed to successfully tube two guys and missed a blatant pneumothorax that Gates had taken great pleasure in pointing out to him. He was warming up now, and he felt his confidence returning, but after his first mistake, he had asked Weaver quietly to keep an eye on him. He hated doing it, wishing Luka was on shift, or that he and Pratt were on speaking terms; he would have rather gone to either of them, but there was no room for pride when patients' lives were at risk.

He was returning to the admit desk to put the chart of the patient he had just discharged back when yet another trauma came bursting through the doors. Throwing the chart in the direction of the box, he rushed over. 'Sam, with me please. Okay, what have we got?'

The paramedic was just about to give him the patient history when Timmy called over to him. 'Ray, phone call for you.'

'Take a message, I'm tied up here, Timmy.'

Ray was about to turn back to the patient when he heard his name again. 'Ray, it's Neela, she's sounding pretty upset.' His head snapped back to the admit desk and he scrutinised the clerk's face for information. He was thankful that it was Timmy who had taken the call; no doubt the grapevine had filled him in on the history of what had gone on, but at least there was none of the sarcasm or backchat that he would expect from Frank.

'What do you mean?'

'She sounds like she's crying.'

Ray was torn. He was at work, and work should come first, but if Neela needed him, nothing else mattered. 'Sam, are you all right here for a moment?'

'What? No, Ray, I'm not. Come on, I know you've been like a cat on hot bricks all morning, but be reasonable.'

'Sam, I'm sorry.' He looked around, and for once, was glad to see Gates, the only intern arrogant enough to believe he was capable of handling a major trauma on his own. 'Gates, over here. Nice little trauma for you to run man. Have fun.' Ray patted him on the back and stepped back from the gurney, trying to ignore Sam's eyes boring into him.

He grabbed the phone from Timmy. 'Neela?'

He heard her sobbing, and his heart ached to simply be there to take her in his arms and soothe the pain, wipe away the tears. 'Oh Ray, Ray I can't do it,' she was saying brokenly.

He _knew _this would happen. He never should have left her so soon. He _knew _she wasn't ready but he had ignored his intuition and come back to this bloody place. 'Hey, hey. Calm down.' She was still sobbing, great noisy heaving sobs, and in the background he could hear Lucy competing. 'Neela, listen to me, calm down. What's the matter? What's happened?'

'I can't do it Ray. I can't do it without you. Please come home,' she begged him.

Her words went right to his heart, catching him just where it hurt the most. 'Neela, we're getting slammed. I'd do anything to be able to leave, you know I would, but I just can't.'

'Please Ray, you've got to. I need you. She's crying and crying and crying and she won't stop and I don't know what to do. I've changed her and fed her and winded her and taken her for a walk, and she's not running a fever but she just won't stop. I'm useless with her Ray, please…' Her voice disintegrated as she got more and more distraught, and he thought she might be on the verge of a panic attack.

'Okay Neela. Just take a deep breath.' He heard her as she tried to pull some air into her lungs. 'Right, you keep breathing like that for me, and I'll be with you as soon as I can. You just stay calm all right?'

He put the phone down, and looked around for help. Pratt was standing by the board, wearing his coat and ready to go, just wiping off his last patient. He couldn't see Pratt doing him any favours, and he was still smarting over the whole episode. He was about to go in search of Morris when he was halted in his tracks by a voice.

'Ray, is everything all right?'

Ray was sorely tempted to bite Pratt's head off. In his eyes, he'd made the first move several times, and had the olive branch shoved unceremoniously back in his face, and he wasn't in the mood to have his time wasted or to be criticised again. But as he turned to the other man and opened his mouth to speak, he saw the genuine concern in his friend's eyes, the animosity gone. 'I don't know. Neela's in tears about something and she wants me to come home. Would you mind staying and covering me?' he asked hopefully. 'I'll be back as soon as I can, two hours tops, I promise.'

'Two hours? Ray, I would help, but I've just done twenty two hours straight. I'm beat, man.' But there was a hint of sympathy in his tone that told Ray that there might be some room for manoeuvre.

'Pratt, please. You know I wouldn't ask if I didn't have to go.' There was desperation in his eyes.

Just at that moment though, Weaver walked past and overheard their conversation. 'Doctor Barnett,' she snapped. 'You're not going anywhere. You've used up your quota of time off and allowances until the end of the century.'

He groaned as soon as he heard her come up behind him, knowing before she started what she was going to say, then spun round to face her, putting on his best pleading voice. 'Doctor Weaver, come on. Neela's been on the phone, she –'

'You're not the only one who has a child that they'd rather be at home with Ray. Get used to it.' She stalked off, and Ray knew there was no way he was getting out of here.

Pratt watched as Ray's face changed as Weaver spoke to him. He looked frantic, and Pratt knew he was inches away from simply walking out. Ray's brow was deeply furrowed with worry, and in spite of himself, he found himself taking pity on him. And if Neela was in trouble, well, he had a promise to fulfil.

'Umm, do you want me to go round and check on her?'

Ray was annoyed at Weaver, and took it out on Pratt, even though he knew he shouldn't. 'Well, that depends on whether you're trying to help or you're just going to go round and upset her some more,' he said cattily.

Pratt didn't reply, but turned his back on him and went back to wiping the board, and Ray immediately felt a pang of guilt. 'I'm sorry man, I didn't mean that. I'm just worried. If you don't mind, then she needs someone there. If you can't stay long, call Abby or something, but I think she needs someone as soon as.'

Ray watched his departing back apprehensively, and hoped that she would be okay.

Pratt knocked on the door. He could hear the screams of a baby even from out in the hallway. 'Neela, Neela, are you there?' Nothing. 'Neela, it's me, Greg. Are you there, let me in.'

After another round of hammering on the door, finally he heard footsteps. Slowly, the door opened. She looked like she had been crying for a long time; her eyes were puffy and a little bloodshot and there were tears tracks down her cheeks.

'Greg?'

He stepped past her into the apartment, and closed the door after him. 'Neela, what's happened? Are you and… the baby all right?'

'I – I just… where's Ray? He said he would come…'

'Weaver wouldn't let him go, so I said I would come round instead.' He thought she was going to say something about him and Ray, but she was standing there, looking lost. He gently pulled her towards him, and gave her a hug.

'Ray couldn't come?' she said quietly into his chest.

The desperation and anguish in her tone reminded her strongly of the look in Ray's eyes when Weaver had banned him from going home. It was the same look that Ray had had the day in the ambulance bay after Michael's death when he had told him to give her some time. And then it hit him. This wasn't just some convenience thing because by accident they'd ended up with a child together. They were doing this together because they wanted to, even if they were using the baby as an excuse, either to themselves or the outside world he wasn't sure. And he had no right at all to get in the way of that. Mike wouldn't have wanted him to.

He took her hands in his and led her to sit down. Lucy, hearing another voice in the room, had toned down her crying, now only wailing in fits and starts, for which he was extremely thankful. 'No, he couldn't, but he'll be back after work.'

She nodded.

'Neela,' he reached into a pocket and pulled out a hankerchief, which she took. 'Neela, I'm sorry for punching Ray the other day. I was in shock, I was angry and upset. Why didn't you tell me that it was Ray's baby?' It was selfish, he knew, but when he eventually learnt that Neela was pregnant, he'd been over the moon, delighted at the thought of a son or daughter of Michael's that he could watch grow up and turn into a child that his friend would have been proud of. When he had heard Ray make that declaration in the ER, he just felt like a rug had been pulled out from under his feet. In a way, it was like losing Mike all over again.

She sniffed, but the tears had eased. Just having another person there with her helped, although having Ray there would have helped more. 'Oh Greg, how could I tell you that? I couldn't tell _anyone. _Abby didn't even know until she first saw her, and it was her who told Ray, not me.'

'I still wish you'd said something.'

His tone was tender, concerned, and she managed a watery smile. 'There's a lot of things I wish I'd said Greg. To a lot of people.' She paused, and the short silence spoke volumes. 'But I didn't, and now I'm here. And I wouldn't swap Lucy for the world.'

'You love him, don't you?'

She met his gaze, and tried to work out what he was thinking. She couldn't. 'I… I don't know Greg. I mean, I do, I do love him, but every time I think of him like that, it makes me remember Michael, and what I did to him, and I feel _so_ guilty. I feel so guilty I get a burning pain in my chest that I feel is going to rise up and engulf me, and I just hate myself.'

'Michael wanted you to be happy Neela.'

'But like this? So soon? I betrayed him. I betrayed him when I stood beside him and said my vows, and every day since then. I did love him, and if he was still here, I'd still love him, but...'

'I said he wanted you to be happy, and I know he said the same to you as well, and even though I don't think he ever imagined or would have wanted things to turn out like this, I don't think he'd put caveats on your happiness.' He faltered, but made himself continue. He didn't like the idea of what they'd done to his best friend, but hey, they were his friends too. And they were here. One thing they had all learnt from Michael's death was that life was too short. He squeezed her hand reassuringly. 'And if it's good enough for Mike, it's good enough for me too.'

She stared at him, wide eyed. 'Greg?'

'I'm saying that I might not be okay about this at the moment, but I will be. I'll make sure I am.'

'Really?' A genuine smile passed over her face, and at his words, she felt a little of the heaviness lift from her heart. He nodded. 'You know you're not allowed to blame Ray either, don't you? It wasn't him, none of it was him; it was all me.'

'It doesn't matter now anyway.' He changed the subject. 'Now let's have a look at this baby of yours.'

Ray drove like a madman all the way home. As soon as Weaver had left, and Luka's shift began, he had taken one look at Ray's pale, drawn and anxious face and asked him what was wrong. His charts were in Morris' arms and his coat was on before Luka had even finished talking.

He ran up the stairs three at a time, cursing the broken lift. Fumbling with the lock, he burst through the door and saw… Neela sitting on the sofa with Lucy in her arms, with Greg next to them, letting a tiny fist curl around his fingers.

'Wha…' He stopped dead in his tracks. Of all the things he was expecting to see, this wasn't it. They turned to look at him.

'Ray, I didn't think you'd be back yet. Greg said Weaver wouldn't let you leave.' Her eyes were still a bit puffy and she had obviously been crying, but she seemed to be fine now.

'She wouldn't,' he replied slowly. 'When Kovac got on, he sent me home. Neela, I was so worried about you.' There was a slight quaver of emotion in his voice. 'You sounded distraught, I… I was terrified.'

Pratt stood up. These two had some talking to do. 'Look, I'm going to leave you to it. Ray, I've already apologised to Neela, and I want to say the same to you. I'm sorry for hitting you; I was angry and upset, but it was uncalled for nonetheless.' He held out his hand.

Ray looked at it for a moment, then stepped forward and shook it. He gave him a wry smile. 'Maybe not completely uncalled for,' he conceded, then tried a tentative smile, which widened when he saw it returned. 'So we're good?' he ventured.

'We're good man. I'll see you at work. Bye Neela.'

'Bye Greg.' She looked up at him, tearing her gaze away from the now angelically quiet scrap in her arms. 'Thank you.'

When Ray returned after showing him out, he immediately went to the space beside her that Pratt had just vacated. Now he was so close, Neela could see the remains of the worry still etched into his features. He was staring at her. 'Neela, talk to me. What happened today? I've only ever been that worried about something once in my life before, and that was when you were in labour and Abby told me to go to Mercy but wouldn't tell me why. Today, when I thought something had happened with you and Lucy, I felt the same, maybe even worse. And now, I come rushing home early and you're sitting happily as if nothing has happened. So please, just talk to me.'

'Okay, but in return, you talk too.' She met his eyes evenly.

'What do you mean?' he frowned.

'I mean, this goes both ways. We've been putting this talk off and off, but not anymore.' She looked determined, and he didn't fight her on it. Even though they had both been hoping it would, denial wouldn't work forever; it hadn't last time and it wouldn't this time either.

He nodded. 'All right. We'll talk.'


	15. Confusion

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: This morning's exam rated somewhere between disaster and unmitigated disaster on the whole scale of academic catastrophes, and I'm so annoyed that I can't guarantee that I won't take it out on the chapter this time. But all the reviews have been great in cheering me up, so thank you so much for all of them. I've got one more exam to get through so please keep them coming!

When Neela had put Lucy to bed, she came back out to the lounge. Ray was ready for her; he was seated on the sofa with an open bottle of good red wine and two massive, tall stemmed balloon glasses waiting on the low table in front of him. When she came in, he carefully sloshed a hefty amount into the bottom of each glass and handed one to her as she sat down. She took a seat on the sofa, which he wasn't sure that she was going to, but tucked herself right into the corner as far away from him as she could get, legs curled underneath her.

She sipped the wine appreciatively, and he wondered for a minute if she was waiting for him to start. Then she lowered the glass down so the base of it rested on one slender, denim clad thigh, and looked at him for a long moment.

'Ray, I want us to be completely honest with each other.' Her eyes were serious.

'Of course,' he replied, but as he said it, he realised it was a reflex answer, and he wasn't sure that he really meant it. True honesty meant telling her not only that he loved her, but also all the other feelings that he had bottled up inside; pain, anger, betrayal. Did he really want to share all that? He was meant to be helping her; this wasn't supposed to be about him.

He saw her expression turn graver, more earnest, and he knew that he had been unable to hide the doubt from his face. 'I mean it Ray. I want you to say all the things that I know you've been hiding from me. If I'm going to get past everything that's happened, you have got to start treating me like _me _again.'

'However much it hurts?'

She could see that he didn't think it was a good idea. '_However_ much it hurts. I've got to hear it, and you've got to say it. We can't keep pretending this is all going as smoothly as we would like it to. We tried denial last time –'

'_You _tried denial last time.'

'Fine, I did. But you went along with it Ray, you agreed to pretend it didn't happen, just to keep me here. I'm not saying I'm sorry you did, but you did do it. And it was a disaster. I want this time to be different, to work, and that can only happen if we both say what we're really and truly thinking.'

He knew she was right, however much he wished that they could just carry on as they were. He nodded resignedly. 'But you go first. I need to know what's going on in your head.'

'So you can tell me what you think I can handle?'

'No,' he answered, although he thought that perhaps there was an element of truth in that, even if it wasn't his main reason. 'I need you to tell me because I have this tight knot of fear going round and round in my stomach like, I don't know, a hamster on a wheel or something, that is eating away at me, and it's telling me that there's something going on here that is more than I can help you with. And I need to know whether or not that's the case before I go crazy.'

'Okay.' She gave him an appraising look, as if she was trying to decide whether or not to believe him, but one glance at his eyes, dark with hidden depths that she thought she had only ever seen once before, on _that _night, and she knew she could trust him to be honest.

'Well, in answer to your question, I don't think this is more than we can handle. I've thought about it a lot, whether all these thoughts and feelings I've been having are post-natal depression or not –' She saw the look on his face and frowned at him. 'Ray, I am a doctor, I know the symptoms, and I know you've been trying to figure out whether that's what I've got. And I don't think I do. I have some symptoms it's true, like the crying, guilt, not feeling capable of making decisions, just feeling so overwhelmed the whole time, but I don't think it's because of the pregnancy. Well, I'm sure some of it is hormonal, but the way I feel, it's… it's grief, Ray. Pure grief, and on top of that, the knowledge of the way I betrayed Michael. My husband died. And however much you and Greg and logic tell me otherwise, I'm not going to stop blaming myself, not after what I did, but I can learn to live with it. I know I can.'

Throughout her speech, she picked at a loose thread hanging from the end of her sleeve and kept her eyes downcast, then flicking them upwards as if she couldn't quite keep her eyes off him. He could tell she was nervous.

'But I can't do it without you.' This time she held his gaze.

'You don't have to.' He tried to take her hand, but she wasn't done yet.

'But Ray, I've hurt you so much. I've done some _dreadful_ things to you.' He opened his mouth to interrupt but she wouldn't let him. 'I feel almost as guilty for the way I treated you as I do for the way I treated Michael. So please, please don't patronise me by telling me that you're okay with everything, that you don't mind. I can't get over this guilt unless I know exactly what I should be guilty for. I need to know what I did to you, I need you to open up to me.' She was trying to force him into talking. Not only did she need to hear the full implications of her actions in order to be able to come to terms with them, but she felt he needed to say them too.

'Neela, you don't have to feel guilty. I don't blame you for any of it, I understand that you were confused, messed up, whatever it was. You don't have to explain yourself to me.'

'And I appreciate that, I really do. But I need you to explain how you feel to me. I'm not sure if I can trust you if you don't trust me, and I know that you're a very long way from actually being able to trust me.' Her beautiful, fragile features were contorted with anguish, and suddenly he felt something strike deep inside his chest, like a match. Perhaps it was seeing his own pain mirrored on her face, he wasn't sure, but whatever it was, there was no holding back from her now, not ever.

'All right Neela, since you insist. But remember, I did warn you, and I did try not to do this. You've hurt me so much, you've hurt me more than I even knew it was possible to live through and survive. When you came home that night and we… I thought it meant that… You said you loved me there in the darkness. I know in the morning you said you didn't say it, but we both know that was a lie. You gave me so much hope, and then the very next morning, before we'd even had breakfast you took those hopes and dashed them into a million pieces. I had to watch you marry someone else, knowing that that night and every night after that, it would be him there in bed with you, touching you, lying next to you as you sleep, waking up next to you in the morning. And then I had to watch him leave you, I had to watch you write to him, I had to watch you prick your ears like an eager puppy for the postman every time you thought you might have mail from him.'

He saw that tears had formed in her eyes, and a stricken expression had settled on her features, but now he'd started, he couldn't stop. Months' worth of pain and suffering was finally finding a release.

'And then I had to stand back and watch you when he died, and you pushed everyone away. Me, Abby, everyone. All you did was work. I had to watch you as near as dammit destroy yourself, and every minute I watched you, it destroyed a little bit more of me as well. So there you go Neela, that's how you made me _feel._' He couldn't prevent the bitterness from creeping into his voice.

Great fat tears were running thickly down her face, and her bottom lip was trembling, but still she resolutely met his gaze. 'And Lucy? How did that make you feel?'

'Neela, surely that's enough for one night?' He tried to stop himself. He wasn't sure his honesty was being constructive; as far as he could tell, its only real purpose so far had been to make her cry.

'No Ray, I need all of it. I have to hear it.'

He didn't know what was driving her to push him, but he found he couldn't resist the pressure, even though he knew with every word he was crushing her. And finally, the thin thread that had been holding everything, his temper, his self-control, his sanity together these last weeks and months, snapped. 'Oh come on Neela, you're not on your fucking psych rotation now. How the hell do you think I felt? Not only did you break my heart, which believe me was bad enough, but you were carrying my baby. You were carrying my baby and married another man, you were carrying my baby while you were pretending to play the happy wife, and then the grieving widow. My god Neela, we lived together for months after the wedding, and you didn't even have the decency to tell me. Every day you looked me in the eye, all the time knowing that you were carrying _our _daughter. Did what we did really mean that little to you?'

'You know that's not the case,' she said quietly, not trusting herself to be able to squeeze words out any louder.

'Then what, Neela? When you rested your head against my shoulder what were you thinking? When you looked at me before that stupid presentation as if your whole world had come down to that one moment, what were you thinking?'

'I don't know what I was thinking Ray, I don't know if I was thinking at all. And I certainly don't know why I didn't tell you. All I knew that I was married to Michael and every waking minute, and most of my sleeping ones as well, all I could think of was that I wished it was you.' He had been about to shout some more, but her admission silenced him instantly. 'And that scared me so, so much.'

'You…?'

'Yes Ray. I wish it had been you standing next to me that day. I thought you knew that.'

'How on earth could I have known that? You never told me.'

She looked at him sadly. 'Maybe I was naïve enough to believe that we didn't need words. I think everything that has happened has proved that one wrong, don't you?'

He sighed. He still didn't understand. She wished she'd married him, he got that bit; was utterly astounded by it, but understood it. And the guilt; towards Michael, towards him; again, logical. But he still couldn't get to grips with the _whole_ of it.

She could see the incomprehension in his face. She knew she hadn't explained things well, but at least she'd got him talking; the way he had been keeping things inside wasn't good for him, and even though hearing him speak like that had felt like shards of broken glass being pushed directly into her heart, she was glad she'd done it. It was about time she did something for him.

He was silent now though. 'I couldn't tell you,' she said. 'If I told you, if I told anyone, it would make it real. If it was my little secret, then I wouldn't have to admit I'd been wrong, that I shouldn't have married Michael. That you were the one.'

'Were or are?'

'What do you think Ray?'

'Honestly?' he asked. 'I don't know. I used to be so sure of myself until I met you. Emotions were easy – I didn't have any, or at least, I didn't use them. Until you came along and showed me what being in love was, then promptly decided that a taster was as much as I was ever going to get. And even now, I'm not sure I know whether you're here because you want to be, or because you don't really have anywhere else to go.'

She gave him a hard look. She didn't expect him to understand much of her behaviour or what was going on, but she had hoped that he would have known the answer to that question by now.

'You know the answer to that Ray.'

'Do I?'

She got up. 'Yes, you do.'

He realised that she was walking away. 'Where are you going Neela?'

'To bed. You're right, this is enough for one night.' She knew it was cruel, to both of them. All they had done was partially open a can of worms, leaving a writhing mass of feelings half hanging out, half said. But she couldn't handle any more. Not tonight.

As her bedroom door shut behind her, Ray got the distinct impression that tonight, the covers would not be turned down waiting for him. And he didn't have the courage to find out for sure.


	16. Insomnia

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you for all the reviews; I can't believe the popularity of this story, I'm so grateful to you all. As soon as my exams are over, I'm going to start tackling the prequel to this – it won't be long, probably five chapters at most, but hopefully it should go some way to explaining the premise on which I have based this story.

When she was gone, he stared down the hall at her closed door for a while. Was she shutting him out or closing herself in? Should he go to her or leave her? He didn't have a clue what would be for the best.

Before he knew her, he had always known what to do. There was never that frisson of doubt in his mind, he had never had to reflect on whether or not he was doing the right thing. He did what he wanted, when he wanted to do it. If that meant dumping his patients on her or Abby to get to a gig or lying to her so he could hightail off to Miami then so be it. But the more time he spent with her and the more of those stinging looks of disapproval he was on the receiving end of, the more he wanted to change that look to one of approval. That was how it started, he guessed.

And how it grew, he wasn't sure. All he knew was there had been a slow slide from her being a roommate, to her being a roommate that he enjoyed the company of, to a roommate that he didn't really think of as just a roomate anymore. When he had heard that Michael proposed to her, it had hurt, and when he heard she had said yes, it had really hurt, and when he had heard that the wedding was the very next day, it had hurt so much that he had gone home and bypassed the six pack in the fridge and reached straight for the tequila. And then…

Now they had a child together. A beautiful amazing little girl who he would lay down his life for. Every time he thought about Lucy, the idea of him being a father, and a father to something, some_one _so perfect, just overwhelmed him. He was determined to work things out for her, as well as themselves. He wanted his daughter to have the happy, secure family life that he hadn't, but right now, it seemed like they were so far away from that that he didn't know how to get them back there.

He finished his glass of wine then got up to take the glasses to the kitchen. He swilled the remains of her wine down the sink, and pushed the cork back in the bottle. He was tempted to sit and brood and finish the wine, but he didn't. He wanted a clear head for the morning, because he was absolutely determined that they were going to resolve this.

He made his way into his room quietly, wondering if perhaps the alcohol would make it easier to sleep tonight. He doubted it though, and as he stretched himself out on his bed and felt all the thoughts and emotions swirling around in his head, he knew that again, insomnia would be his only friend tonight.

Hours later, and he was no better. At one point, he thought perhaps he had fallen asleep only to roll over and look at the clock, yet again, to find that a mere, measly, five minutes had passed since he last checked. God, this was torture.

_I want us to be completely honest with each other._

_You have got to start treating me like _me _again._

_We can't keep pretending…_

Her words echoed in his mind unrelentingly, her face, even more beautiful in her anguish, haunted his thoughts. He had made her cry. He couldn't believe he had done it. His words, things he said to her, had actually made her cry. He'd spent so much time, expended so much effort, to make sure she didn't cry, and now he did this to her. He knew it was at her request, and that it was nothing compared to what she had done to him, but he felt indescribably guilty. He'd promised her, and himself, that he would look after her, and he felt like he'd just broken that promise.

But that wasn't the worst of it. He'd said all the bad things, but she'd stopped him, just walked away, before he got a chance to say the rest of it. And the rest of it was far, far more important. Now he was lying there in bed that was all he could think about. She had been right, he had needed to say all these things to her, but he needed to tell her he loved her even more. The words were burning in his chest and he didn't care that it was what, four in the morning; if he didn't say it now then he was going to lose his mind.

He burst into her room.

She sat up suddenly, but he knew she hadn't been asleep. The moonlight shone on tears on her cheeks, making them look like drops of crystal suspended on her skin.

She'd been lying there thinking about what had been said. She knew he was confused, that he didn't understand, but she felt it was as if he didn't have the guts to ask. One thing he had never been lacking in was courage. But then, she wasn't sure if she really wanted him to ask the question, because even though she loved him, she still wasn't ready for a relationship. If it wasn't for Lucy, she knew she wouldn't even consider being with someone again for a long time, but she felt now they'd skipped a whole load of steps. They lived together and had a child together, but they were both riddled with feelings that they didn't seem to be able to, or know how to, resolve.

But the look on his face told her that they were about to find a way.

'Ray, what are you doing?'

'I know you said we were done for the night, but you know what? I'm not done. I'm not done until this is all out in the open, once and for all.'

She smiled into the darkness. Finally. Finally she'd stirred him to the passion and fight that she knew was in there. This was the Ray she wanted, this was the Ray she _knew._ The new Ray was fantastic, but he wasn't who he was without this side to him as well. And now he was back.

Without waiting for an answer, he knelt on the bed, sitting back on his legs. When she didn't speak, he hesitated for a heartbeat, but he pressed on regardless; now he'd made his decision to talk, he was unable to go back on it. 'You never gave me a chance to finish Neela. I have so much more to say to you than all that. You have hurt me _so _much but I mean it when I say I don't care. I _love _you Neela. Do you have any idea how much I would put myself through just for a smile from you, just to know that you were okay? Why do you think I let you go? It was because I would do anything, even break my heart, just for you to be happy, and I thought you thought Michael was the one who was going to make you happy, so I let you go.' His voice was hoarse with raw emotion.

'Ray…'

He moved towards her on the bed. 'Don't you see Neela, I will do _anything _for you, except stop loving you. That's the only thing I can't do.'

She didn't know what to say. This was what scared her. She couldn't bear the idea of hurting him anymore, and that was what made her feel so pressured to make it work this time. If it hadn't been for the pressure, she might have been able to give it a shot, to just see what happened, but he deserved far, far more than that.

'Ray…' she repeated.

He cut her off again, knowing instinctively from the way she was burrowing herself back into her pillows, pulling the bedcovers up as much as she was able with his weight on them, that she was withdrawing from him.

'No Neela, not again. I won't let you push me away again. I thought we had broken this cycle, I thought you were ready to let me help you. You've been more than willing to accept a roof over your head, a helping hand with Lucy, breakfast in bed every morning, yet whenever there's so much as a hint of there being more to this, you push me away. Well, not anymore. You said you needed to hear how I _really_ felt, well, I need to hear the same. Not about Michael, not about Lucy. About me. I need more than hints and hope. I need to hear you say the words.'

She couldn't not tell him after that. His expression was one of love and passion and anger and vulnerability all rolled into one, and even though it should be the last thing on her mind, it thrilled her that she could have this effect on him. He was balanced on a knife edge.

She patted the side of the bed next to her, and pulled back the covers. After a moment, he accepted her invitation, climbing under the duvet gratefully. They'd turned the heating off now summer was supposedly on the way, but there was another late spring cold snap, and wearing only boxers, in the chilly apartment he was freezing.

'Okay, but I need to get all this out without you interrupting. Do you promise that you'll let me do that?' He had no option but to agree with a nod. 'Thank you.'

She took a deep breath. How do you even start something like this? 'Ray, I love you.' She couldn't quite meet his eyes as she made her admission. She thought saying that would be a lot harder, and felt guilty that it wasn't. Maybe she really should have said this a long time ago.

'I scare myself by how much I love you. But that is honestly all I can give you right now. Words. I feel like there's so much pressure on me, not from you, but from myself, to make any relationship with you work, because I could never forgive myself if I hurt you again. And if we were to start something now, I don't think it would work. I'd want it to, but I'm still not ready. I'm not strong enough yet. I would like it if you could give me just a little bit more time, but I understand if you can't or don't want to. But I really, really hope you can.'

She found the courage to meet his eyes, and when she did, she was relieved to find understanding looking back at her.

'You love me?' All the anger and pain had dissipated from his voice, and was replaced with undisguised hope.

'Yes Ray,' she smiled at him, a tentative, shy smile that made him fall for her just a little bit more, again. 'I love you. You were right, I did lie that morning. I said it that night, and I'm saying it again now. You're my best friend, and the father of my child, and the most beautiful,' she paused to stroke his cheek, 'fantastic person I have ever met. And even though I know I don't deserve you, I want to be with you. But not yet.'

He held her hand against his cheek, and looked at her deeply, hazel eyes piercing her soul. 'Neela, I don't care if I have to wait for you forever. Whenever it happens, it will be worth it. If you say you're not ready, then I will be here and do whatever you want and need me to do for you, until you are ready. And if you're never ready, then I'll still be here, being your best friend, and the father of your child, and,' he paused, giving her a wicked grin that lightened the mood, 'being beautiful and fantastic.'

'Oh Ray.' He had made her cry again, but this time, they were happy tears.

He wondered if perhaps he should kiss her. He wanted to, but was conscious of what they had just agreed. When that happened, and at last, he truly believed that it would, it had to be on her terms. So he held out his arms to her, and she moved towards him, resting her head on his chest, and sighing contentedly as she felt his strong arms hold her close to him.

'Good night,' she whispered.

'Good night Neela,' he replied, and just as she was beginning to drift off to sleep, she felt him, very gently, kiss her hair reverently.


	17. Maternity Leave

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Last exam is now over; cannot believe I am no longer a student. I don't start full time work for three whole blissful months so hopefully I should be able to spend plenty of time writing among other things. To those of you who are still going with the whole exam/revision horror; the very best of luck to you.

It was the following morning, and again they were at the door as he was ready to leave for work. He'd insisted over their pancakes and tea that she didn't have to get up to see him off, but she and Lucy were both awake, and she _wanted _to get up, be with him.

This time, he didn't have any hesitation or doubt as he dipped his head and pressed his lips to her cheek, drinking in the scent of her and forcing himself not to linger too long. 'Will you be all right today?' he asked uncertainly. 'I could ask Luka for another…'

She shifted Lucy in her arms a little and smiled up at him reassuringly, the deep look in their eyes saying as much as any caress, and far more than words. After last night, she felt so much stronger; she hadn't thought a mere twenty four hours could make so much difference. 'Today will be fine. Abby and I are going out for lunch and a bit of mummy and baby bonding. Her maternity leave finishes soon and she wants to make the most of what she has left.'

'Okay, as long as you won't be on your own.' He sounded reluctant to be leaving.

'No, I'm actually looking forward to today. It'll be fun.' Her eyes were sparkling with anticipation of her day out, and it was enough to reassure him.

'Well, in that case, have a good time, and say hi to Abby and Joe for me.' They were still standing close enough to feel the heat from each other's bodies and she could tell by the torn look in his eyes and the way his hand hovered just over the doorknob without actually showing any signs of opening the door, that he wanted to kiss her again so she stood on her tiptoes and planted a kiss on the side of his chin, which was about all she could reach when he wasn't bending down, to solve the dilemma for him. She was rewarded with a soft, slightly shy smile, which made him look adorably vulnerable.

'And call me if you need anything,' he added, to cover up his elation at her voluntary show of affection.

'I will. Now go.' She shooed him out of the door.

She took her time getting herself and Lucy ready; it was still early, and she wasn't due to meet Abby for a few hours yet. Remembering how much Lucy had enjoyed the music yesterday morning, she put a CD on again today, but made the mistake of choosing one of her own, to which Lucy quickly put up a very vocal display of her disapproval.

Neela had laid her down in the very centre of the bed while she was getting dressed so she couldn't roll off, and when she started crying, she turned to look at her. 'What is it baby? What's the matter?'

She looked at her daughter's screwed up little face, but the crying didn't daunt her like it did yesterday. 'Is it the music? Even Daddy puts up with my music sometimes. It's not that bad; he's not going be able to turn you into a rock chick without a bit of protest from me.' Lucy continued to cry. 'Okay, okay, I'll go and change it.'

By the time she had returned from the lounge where the stereo sat, Lucy had already stopped her wails. Neela looked at her incredulously. 'I cannot believe you like The Clash that much. You're a month old; you can't possibly know the difference.' But one look over at the bed, and it was perfectly clear from her instantly silent, alert, happy daughter that she absolutely knew the difference, and had a very strong preference for punk rock. She had an amusing moment of trying to imagine her parents' faces when they first met their granddaughter, only to find out she was a punk rocker.

Neela got dressed carefully, putting on a nice pair of black jeans and a soft, cream cashmere jumper. It was far too good to wear to spend the day with Lucy and Joe really, but she had a sudden urge to look _nice. _She felt nice for the first time in a while, and felt like she deserved to dress up just a little bit, adding to the look with a bit of make-up and some simple jewellery, although nothing too elaborate; Lucy loved to grab things, and earring pulling, Neela had found, was even more painful than hair pulling. And anyway, she could hardly go out in public in what seemed to have become her usual attire of old sweatpants or pajama bottoms and Ray's t-shirts. She was actually vain enough to take a quick peek at herself in the mirror before she left, and smiled at her reflection. Not bad Neela; you've looked a lot worse, she told herself.

Luck was definitely on her side that morning; by some miracle, the elevator was working for a change, and she managed to get outside without feeling like she wanted to cry or punch something. Ray had left her the car so she didn't have to tackle the El with a pram on her own and it wasn't long before she was knocking on Abby's door.

It was a while before she heard signs of life. 'Hang on; I'll be there in a minute,' a voice called from somewhere inside the apartment.

'Abby, it's me.'

Footsteps approached and the door opened. 'You're… looking nice,' Abby said slowly, a little self conscious of her own appearance; she was wearing one of Luka's old shirts, frayed at the collar and massively big on her and a thick pair of bedsocks, as she hadn't been expecting Neela for a while yet. 'You're also ridiculously early. I thought we were meeting for lunch.'

'Well, it's eleven o'clock.' Abby gave her a dark look. 'Half ten,' Neela conceded. 'I thought perhaps we could have coffee then go for some lunch?' she asked hopefully.

Abby sighed. 'Come in. You can put the kettle on and keep an eye on Joe while I have a shower.' Neela busied herself in the kitchen while Abby showered. By the time she was dressed and ready to face the world, a particularly chirpy Neela had coffee waiting.

Abby took one of the mugs that was offered to her and sat on the sofa, with Neela following her. Lucy was sitting in her car seat, happily snoozing, and Joe was lying in the big, hexagonal cot they had for him in the lounge area. Abby could tell Neela wanted to talk about something.

She got straight to the point. 'Spill.'

'I don't know what you're talking about,' she shot back, but a tiny smile played about her lips.

Abby had never been one to let anyone get away with games. You either wanted to talk, or you didn't. 'Neela, you're over an hour early, you're grinning like a Cheshire Cat –'

'I'm not grinning like a Cheshire Cat,' Neela interrupted a touch indignantly, even though she knew it wasn't all that far off the truth.

'Okay, so maybe I was exaggerating for effect. But you've definitely got something to tell me. Is it you and Ray?' Abby knew it must be.

'I just feel so much better in myself,' Neela began. 'I don't know if Luka told you what happened yesterday; he had to let Ray go home early because I couldn't cope on my own – lots of tears and hysteria; it really wasn't very nice.' Abby nodded that Luka had indeed told her about it, and gave her a look of sympathy. 'Well, we did a lot of talking last night after that, about everything, and I just… I feel like everything's going to be okay.'

Abby sat back and looked at her thoughtfully. 'Do you mean with Ray, or everything as a whole?'

'Both. But especially with Ray. I…' she glanced at her friend shyly. 'I told him I loved him.'

An expression of surprise crossed Abby's face. 'Woah, Neela, that's big. That's _huge. _Do you love him?'

'Yes,' Neela replied simply, with an open shrug, 'I do. I think perhaps I always have, but now I know for sure. He's been so fantastic and supportive Abby, in everything. He is the most amazing father, Lucy absolutely adores him, and he's just so lovely to me all the time. He always knows what to do and what to say to make me feel better, and even more importantly, when not to say anything. I couldn't imagine life without him.'

Abby smiled. Neela's words were straight from the heart, she could tell. 'Well, I'm really happy for you. You deserve it after having been through so much. What did Ray say?'

'He was over the moon. We're not together yet though.' Abby frowned, and Neela was quick to explain herself. 'I'm not ready for that so soon after Michael; if it was anyone but Ray, I'm not sure I'd _ever_ be ready. But he was so incredibly understanding about everything I said and he said he'd give me as much time as I need.'

'That's good of him.'

'Oh Abby, I can't even begin to tell you how good he's been, and after everything I've done to him as well. I slept with him, married someone else, didn't tell him I was having his baby, and pushed him away when all he was trying to do was be a friend. I don't know why he wants anything to do with me, but he does, and I'm so grateful; I feel like I've been given a second chance. I'm going to do better this time.'

They fell into a companionable silence for a little while, looking over at the children. They were both thinking exactly the same thing.

'I can't believe we're both mothers,' Abby said, shaking her head.

'Neither can I. To think, just over two years ago, we were both single, dysfunctional, sharing a one bedroom apartment and driving each other crazy,' Neela reminisced.

'You were drinking too much…' Abby added.

'_You _were smoking too much.'

'You cleaned too much.'

'_You _didn't clean enough.'

Their argument soon disintegrated into light hearted laughter as they realised they sounded like a pair of bickering schoolgirls. How they had survived for six months without killing each other they weren't quite sure.

Abby glanced over at the children again and smiled widely, deep sense of contentment filtering through her. They had both come such a long way in an amazingly short time for such a journey. 'And look at us now – we have beautiful babies…'

'Fantastic men,' Neela continued with the train of thought.

'Fantastic, _hot _men.' Abby corrected her with a cheeky grin.

Neela raised an eyebrow; the unexpected words caught her out for a moment, taking her by surprise. 'You think Ray's hot?'

'Well honey, don't you?'

Neela was flustered for a second. 'Of course _I _do, but you're with Luka… I didn't know you thought Ray…' She stopped, realising she was making an idiot of herself when she saw the amused look on her friend's face. She couldn't decide whether or not Abby was teasing her. She narrowed her eyes shrewdly and asked the question she really wanted to know the answer to. 'Did you and Ray ever…?'

Abby laughed. 'Me and Ray? No, he's a baby, far too young for me. I do think he's hot though, and I know you think Luka is.'

'Well of course Luka is; tall, dark and handsome, troubled past, saves lives for a living and complete with sexy foreign accent? He's the definition of hot.' They giggled girlishly.

Neela sighed. It felt so good to just relax and not worry. She still had some way to go, but she was sure that she was happier now than she ever had been. Her life was coming together; she had the job she wanted, good friends, a beautiful daughter, and Ray – what more could she ever need?

They finished their coffee and roused the children. Lucy woke up happily enough but Joe grizzled and Abby had to soothe him into silence before he set Lucy off. 'I haven't made a reservation for lunch anywhere, I just thought we'd take our chances,' she said as she gently bounced him up and down in her arms.

'That suits me,' Neela replied. 'I've got the car if you want, but it's a nice day. It would be easier to walk.'

'Walking is good.' Abby didn't hesitate to agree. Neela had an unfortunate habit of occasionally forgetting that she was driving in America not Britain, and had been known to get a little confused while behind the wheel, which terrified the hell out of Abby. Besides, Ray's car was far too big for her and she couldn't park it to save her life.

She answered a little too quickly and Neela called her out over it. 'Do you have a problem with my driving?'

'No,' Abby drew the syllable out in a long drawl. 'Not at all. I love your driving. I just love my life and my son more,' she added dryly.

Neela scowled at her good naturedly. 'Rude,' she said. 'You're paying for lunch for that comment.'

Soon after, they were both pushing their prams down the street in the sunshine. Abby looked across at Neela, who looked lost in thought, with a wide, happy smile on her face. She looked a completely different person from the gaunt, drawn, depressed figure she had been during the latter stages of her pregnancy.

'You know how you said you weren't ready yet?'

Upon hearing Abby's words, Neela tore herself away from her thoughts to turn her attention to her friend. 'Yes?'

'I think you're more ready than you think.'


	18. The old days

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: This whole having time on my hands thing is fantastic – my sunburn that I acquired today is slightly less so, but never mind. Thank you again for all the reviews; I've started the long promised prequel to this, but I need to find some clips of "I Do" to watch first, as I've never seen that episode, and I think it would help if I did!

Ray sighed deeply and let his head tip back to rest against the wall of the elevator. It had been a long day; no major traumas, just the constant monotony of sickness and injuries that kept him run off his feet. He'd resisted the temptation to call Neela, understanding that he had to let her stand on her own two feet, but mid afternoon, Frank shouted over at him. 'Ray, call for you.'

He reached out and took the phone. 'Doctor Barnett.'

'Hey Ray, it's me.' A familiar voice was on the other end of the line, and against his will, his heart jumped a little bit at the sound of her.

'Neela, hey.' He didn't realise that he was doing it, but as soon as he heard it was her, a wide smile spread over his face and he turned his back on the admit desk, cutting himself off from everything but her. 'How are you doing?'

'We're doing great. We've had a lovely day with Abby and Joe, and we've just got home now.' She sounded calm and happy, a million miles from when she rang yesterday.

'So, everything's been… okay then?' His tone was all care and concern.

'Yes, it's been fine,' she reassured him. '_I've _been fine. I was just calling because I know you're worrying.'

'Me? Worry? Never,' he replied with a laugh. She was right of course, he'd been worrying like crazy, although he had sensed that after talking last night, she was on the road to recovery. She certainly sounded that way now.

'Sure,' she said sceptically. 'Anyway, I was wondering if you could bring home something for dinner. I was going to pick up some groceries but…'

'It's fine. I'll stop for some pizza or something. I can't promise what time I'll be home though; it's busy, I'll be lucky to get off on time.'

'Don't worry about it. I'll wait for you.'

After that, time had really felt like it was dragging. All he could think of was getting through the rest of the shift so he could get home to her as quickly as he could. He knew he shouldn't be so excited, but he couldn't help himself. He had two very good reasons to go home these days, and his eagerness to spend time with them had already had become a source of amusement to some of his colleagues. In the end, Morris had taken pity on him and let him go, even though it was still busy enough to need him.

By now, he was almost an hour late, which wasn't too bad, he decided, and he had with him a massive pizza box – extra anchovies on her half of course – a pack of beers and a DVD; something she would like for once, rather than his usual choice. He was looking forward to this evening; he just wanted to spend a bit of time with her, relax, have fun. He hoped to try to take some of the pressure off that she had been referring to. He didn't want her feeling under any sort of strain because of him, or that he was trying to coerce her into a relationship or anything like that. It wasn't about that for him.

The elevator doors opened with a ping and he stepped out. Unlocking the door of the apartment, he listened out to work out where she was. There was no sound. 'Neela?'

'Shh, I'm in here,' she called out softly.

He followed the sound of her voice to her bedroom, but paused in the doorway when he caught a sight of her. She was standing over the cot, watching Lucy sleep with a contented smile on her face. She looked breathtaking. She had dressed up, obviously for her lunch with Abby, and she was simply glowing. She was wearing a creamy coloured jumper that contrasted with her dark skin, and her hair fell over her shoulders in tumbling curls. She was just… Despite his determination not to press her, he couldn't help but comment.

'You look beautiful.' The words came out slightly huskily.

She turned round slowly and met his gaze. She stared for a moment, then said 'Thank you.'

The way he spoke to her sent a little shiver up her spine. He had such an intensity about him at times, and it just made her forget everything except those fabulous eyes that he used to reel her in. He had just worked a twelve hour shift, and he must be utterly exhausted, yet he stood there looking at her like she was the only person in the world. Before she made a fool of herself, she gave herself a little mental shake and searched around for something to say.

'How was work?'

'Fine. Nothing exciting,' he answered with a dismissive tone. He held out the pizza and beer. 'I brought dinner; are you hungry?'

'Mm, starving,' she said absently, gazing back down to Lucy again. He could see that her mind had drifted back to their daughter, so he laid the takeaway down and stepped up behind her, looking into the cot over her shoulder. Feeling his presence close behind her, Neela leaned back into him. In response, Ray wrapped his arms around her narrow waist and bent his head to rest his chin on her shoulder; it was an absolutely automatic gesture, and once he had done it, he held his breath, nervous of her reaction.

Neela felt his arms slide around her and immediately she felt warm and safe, as if nothing could ever hurt her again. His breath was on her neck as well, and that made her feel a little bit more than warm and safe. Before her thoughts could go in that direction, she spoke.

'Isn't she beautiful?' she said softly.

He looked down at the baby, peacefully asleep, unaware of her audience. He tried to look at her as objectively as a doting parent could and Neela was definitely right. They had got themselves one gorgeous little daughter. 'Takes after her Mum,' Ray replied.

Neela knew this could go in a direction that she still wasn't sure about. 'Ray…' she began warningly.

He sighed, sounding weary. 'I'm sorry, I'll stop. But please don't say it; don't spoil this moment.' He knew he had made her uncomfortable, and was sorry for it, but wished he was allowed, just for a short while, to bask in the enjoyment of having a beautiful daughter asleep in front of him and the woman he loved in his arms.

At his words, she felt a pang of guilt. He was right, it had been a perfect little moment, and she had to go and open her mouth. She thought about apologising, but decided to just stay quiet. She let him continue to hold her, and forced herself to stop thinking and just enjoy the feeling for now.

After a while, he pulled away from her, trying to ignore the fact that his arms felt empty without her in them. 'Come on, the pizza is getting cold.'

Before long, they were settled on the sofa, eating slices of pizza straight from the box and laughing over an anecdote he had just told her of Morris's latest misdemeanour at work.

'I can't believe he's actually a doctor sometimes; I mean, honestly.' Neela shook her head.

'Hey, he's not _that _bad,' Ray defended him.

'Well, put it this way. If you got into an accident, and you woke up in hospital to see Morris standing over you, what would you do?'

'Pull the line out of my arm and run like Hell,' he conceded.

'See, told you,' she mumbled triumphantly through a mouthful of pizza. The lull in conversation gave her the opportunity to think quietly for a minute. She could see what Ray was trying to do with this evening. She'd told him to treat her like her again, and he was following her instructions to the letter. Lounging around with pizza and beer, and she knew he had a DVD for later; it was exactly what they used to do, how they used to be, and she really appreciated the effort.

'This is nice Ray,' she said.

'Well, I know you like extra anchovies,' he replied. In all honesty, he didn't think she was talking about the pizza, but he decided to play it safe, just in case.

She smiled at him. 'I didn't mean the pizza.'

'I know.' Their eyes met for a minute, but he quickly looked away. He had meant what he'd said, he was willing to wait for her, and he wasn't going to be the one to make the first move. He had been rebuffed too many times.

'And it's about to get nicer.' He rifled around on the table in front of them, and withdrew a DVD case from under the pizza box. He offered it to her.

'Not a horror film?' It was Ocean's Eleven, one of her favourites. She wasn't sure if he knew that, or it was just a lucky guess, but she was impressed that he had thought of her for once in his movie choice. She thought this might be the first time ever that he had hired something that didn't involve psychotic murderers, paranormal activity or Satan.

'I know you hate them. I thought you'd enjoy this more,' he said simply.

'Thank you, I will, I love this film.'

He stood up to put the disc into the player, and when he sat back down again, she immediately moved closer towards him, laying her head on his shoulder. He was reminded of the last time she had done that. She had lived here, sat next to him on this very couch, with a new life growing inside her and she had never said a word. She had looked him in the eye and told him she was leaving, never mentioning what she was taking with her. How had he not noticed it, come to think of it? He was a doctor for goodness sake, how had he not known she was pregnant? But then, you see what you want to see, don't you? He'd been looking for something wrong in her marriage, not in her.

She felt him stiffen next to her. He didn't lean his head towards hers like he used to.

'Ray?'

'Yes?' He tried to sound nonchalant, but he knew she had noticed his awkwardness. Damn, he thought. After talking last night, he didn't want to hark back to all that again. It was done. They needed to concentrate on the future now.

'What is it? What's wrong?'

'Nothing,' he tried, certain that she wouldn't let him get away with it.

'No it's not. I thought we promised to be honest with each other,' she said in a slightly hurt voice.

'Okay, I'm sorry. I just… This just reminded me of last time round, last time we sat here and did this. I… I can't quite believe that you never told me, that I never noticed. I should have known; if I had guessed, then I could have been there for you, looked after you.'

'Ray, please don't do this.' Even though she'd asked him to tell her, she couldn't bear to hear the hurt and guilt in his voice. It was the guilt that was the worst; he had nothing to be guilty for, nothing.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I don't want to think about back then, I just want to concentrate on the future, Lucy's future, but I couldn't help it.' He paused thoughtfully. 'I guess it's my fault, I was trying to recreate the old days this evening, and maybe it wasn't such a good idea.' He looked troubled.

Neela laid a hand on his arm. 'It was a lovely idea Ray, and I really appreciate it. It's my fault, what I did back then, that has made this awkward. I can't think of anything I would rather do than spend an evening with you, watching movies, eating pizza, and drinking beer.'

He looked at her doubtfully. 'Really Ray. I know you can't just forget what happened, even if you say that you can. But things are so different now, I feel like a completely different person. I made so many mistakes, but I want to start again, for Lucy if not for us.'

Her appeal was so genuine that he couldn't stay upset. He never had been able to say no to her. 'I want to start again for us as well,' he said truthfully.

She smiled shyly. 'Then can we sit back and enjoy the film?' she asked.

'I think I can manage that,' he said, and when she rested her head against his shoulder again, instead of being haunted by ghosts of the past, he thought of the future, and put his arm around her with a contented sigh.

Much later, when the film was over, she stretched and stood up. 'I'm tired, I think I'll go to bed. I'll tidy all this up tomorrow.' She indicated to the mess of beer bottles, of which they had accumulated a few, and other detritus.

'No, it's all right. I'll do it.' He was starting to gather up a few bottles when she stepped towards him and took the bottles out of his hands. He frowned at her. 'What are you doing?'

'Come with me.'

'What?' He wasn't sure what she was asking.

'Come with me,' she repeated steadily, dark eyes gazing up at him in mute appeal. Her voice was barely more than a whisper. 'I can't sleep without you.'

He stared at her in shock. He had thought they would be continuing to play their little game of pretence for quite some time yet. He hadn't expected her to come out with that question, just like that, so soon. He realised she was still waiting for an answer, but try as he might, he couldn't quite make his lips form the right words.

'Wh-what?' he stammered.

She had been looking up at him, but at his reaction she turned away, starting to backtrack. 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean… It doesn't matter, I'll just go to bed.'

She started to move away but he reached out and grabbed her hand before she moved out of reach. They stayed like that for a moment, frozen in time, appreciating the enormity of the moment.

'Really?' he asked, needing confirmation.

'Really,' she echoed. 'I mean it, I can't sleep unless you're there with me, and I know you're not sleeping either. So please, I need you there, we need each other. Come with me.'

And then he found the word he was looking for.

'Yes.'


	19. The Clash

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Sorry it's taken me a little while to update, I know I left you on a bit of a cliff there so I intended to get this chapter done a bit quicker. It's been party season at uni at the moment, which hasn't left an awful lot of writing time, but I'm home for a few days now so here you go; next chapter.

Ray let her lead him by the hand to her bedroom uncertainly. He still didn't know on what terms her request was. She had said that she couldn't sleep without him; that meant that she wanted to sleep… right? He tried to gauge her intentions from her face, but her expression gave nothing away.

When they had entered the room, she didn't turn on the light or even the bedside lamp and shut the door quietly behind her, careful not to wake Lucy. She was very light on her feet, and obviously well practised at creeping around in the darkness, and as he didn't trust himself to not make any noise, he perched on the edge of her bed and waited for her. He didn't know what he was waiting for her for, but he was hoping it would become a little clearer as they went on.

Neela stood before her dresser and took off her jewellery, stowing it away in the correct box. Experience had taught her that turning the light on invariably woke the baby so she relied on the meagre light that shone in from a streetlamp outside. In the mirror, she could see the reflection of Ray, pale in the darkness, sitting on the bed behind her, looking nervous. She realised she hadn't explained this very well. She turned to him, speaking softly.

'Ray, this is just… to sleep. Tonight, anyway. One step at a time, okay?'

He nodded with a smile. He felt himself let out a held breath, and realised that he was almost relieved. Although he wanted her more than, he thought, he'd ever wanted anything or anyone before, he didn't want things to move too fast. If making this work meant waiting, and he was fairly certain it did, then waiting was what he wanted to do, even if it required every ounce of willpower, self control and whatever else that he possessed.

'Yep, that's fine by me.' Then his face cracked into a warmer smile to match hers, and he laughed nervously. 'I… I wasn't sure what…'

She reached out and stroked his cheek, trying not to act on the electric impulse the feel of his skin beneath her fingers sent shooting through her. 'I know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I don't mean to lead you on or –'

'Neela, I don't care about that. Just, always keep me informed, right?' He thought that was a better way of putting it than, "you're killing me here, and believe me, the second this is right, I'll be there", but he was pretty sure she knew what he meant.

'No problem,' she replied. 'Now, would you like to turn around while I get changed?' She grinned at him playfully. 'You can watch if you want, but I don't want to get you all excited over nothing.'

He got up to shed his jeans and t-shirt, his back to her side of the bed. 'Believe me Neela, you're not nothing,' he said, content for now to fall back into the slightly flirtatious air of two good friends who knew there was something more to what they had than a simple friendship.

When they slipped under the covers together, the nerves and uncertainty returned. This was so much more significant than his usual habit of creeping in here in the dead of night and neither of them ever commenting on the fact that he always stayed. This was starting the night here, this was sharing a bed. He wondered on how many steps forward their relationship was going to take before there was a romantic element also. At this rate, he reflected, with just a touch of frustration, we'll be married before I actually get a chance to kiss her.

As he lay there, he waited for any sort of signal from her as to whether or not she wanted him to hold her. He would have loved to take her in his arms, but he wasn't sure if she wanted him to, or if he could tolerate it. The last thing he needed now was his body getting the better of him.

Neela could feel the heat of his body in the cool bed. He wasn't making any effort to move towards her, but she knew that he was looking to her to determine how they were going to do this. She wasn't sure what she wanted though. On the other times he had been here, they had fallen asleep and ended up in each other's arms without having to make any sort of decision about it. She wanted him to hold her, but was it too cruel to reach out to him? She knew she must be putting him through agony with this, but she ached for his touch.

'Ray,' she whispered, and under the duvet she found his hand to hold. As their fingers entwined, he turned his head on the pillow to try to catch her eye, but they were lying in the shadows, and the light from outside didn't reach them, so they were in darkness. He pulled gently on her hand and she rolled towards him, lying on her side facing him, scant inches from him.

'Neela…'

'Hold me. Please.' Her voice was low, breathy, and it made him uncertain as to whether sleep still meant sleep, but he did as she asked him, and draped an arm over her waist, bending it at the elbow to bring his hand up to entangle it in her hair. Their bodies were close enough to touch very slightly.

'Thank you,' she uttered, barely audible, and then matched his movement, bringing her own arm up to slither over his waist, her hand lying on his back between his shoulder blades.

He waited for some time after that to see if there was any more to come, hoping it would do in spite of what his head was telling him, but after a while, he felt her breathing slow and her body relax as she slipped slowly into sleep, and eventually, he did the same.

They woke up suddenly a few hours later to the sound of Lucy crying. Neela groaned; she had been in a very deep sleep, and the middle of one of those dreams that seem so real at the time that when you wake up, you're disorientated for a moment and have to think to remember where real life ends and the dream begins.

In her dream, she had been sitting on a wooden deck behind a house somewhere in the shade of a large, leafy tree. She had her feet up on a small table or stool or something, and her hands had been resting on her huge dome of a stomach. She was watching over two little girls playing in a sandpit that had been dug into the garden when a voice came up behind her.

'Hey babe. How are you feeling?'

She took a tall glass of iced tea that was handed to her. 'Thank you. I'm fine thanks. Someone's feeling active this afternoon.'

Pale, familiar hands reached down to place themselves alongside hers to feel the baby kicking. 'I think you've got yourself a little soccer star in there.'

'Good,' she replied. 'You've got your rock chicks, I get my soccer star; it's only fair.'

Strong arms wrapped themselves around her, and she realised they were the same arms that she was in now. Then Lucy's squalling filtered into her consciousness and she came back to the present, where their daughter wasn't a content six year old making sandcastles on a sunny day but a crying baby, and they didn't live in a beautiful house in the suburbs but a small, messy apartment in the middle of the city. But she'd just been given a glimpse of the future this could be a step towards, if only she could find the courage to move forwards.

'Neela? Neela?' Her eyes were open but she didn't seem awake. She was staring at him as if she'd never seen him before.

Eventually she pulled herself out of her reverie and heard him saying her name. 'Sorry, what?' She moved herself out of his arms, sitting up.

'I was saying, would you like me to see to her?'

'Oh, no, it's fine.' She got out of bed, shivering a little in the cold air, and scooped Lucy out of the cot, returning to the bed. 'Hey baby, what's all this about? This is the first time you've cried at night for days. Come on sweetheart.'

Nearly half an hour later, and between them they had tried all the usual tricks; feeding her, winding her, changing her, lying her down and letting her play with Neela's hair; things that usually got her to stop crying.

Ray ran his hand through his hair agitatedly, feeling frazzled thanks to his interrupted sleep. He could see why Neela had got so upset the other day now. 'It's fine,' he said, 'I'll get dressed and take her out for a drive. That should lull her to sleep.'

To his surprise, Neela shook her head. 'No, there's something else I want to try first. I think you'll like this one. Bring her through to the lounge in a minute.'

She had a satisfied twinkle in her eye and he knew there would be no use in asking her what she was planning, so he agreed to do as he was told. 'Okay. Call me when you're ready.'

Neela passed Lucy to Ray and padded her way to the lounge, making her way straight to the stereo. The CD she wanted was already in place, so she turned it on and quickly adjusted the volume; it was unlikely the neighbours would appreciate The Clash at three-thirty in the morning.

'Come on in Ray,' she called out.

She heard his tentative footsteps as he made his way from her room. 'All right, so what's the plan?' he asked, before he realised there was music playing.

'Come closer,' Neela replied. 'Listen, and watch her. I'm not sure if this will work, but I think it will.'

Ray did as he was told, and watched his daughter in his arms carefully as the awareness of the music began to filter through them both. To his utter amazement, the intensity of her bawls started to ease, trailing off into fits and starts, and soon to nothing. She was alert, as if she was looking for the source of the music and she was kicking her legs enthusiastically.

Ray was lost for words. 'She…'

Neela smiled widely and came over to stand next to them. 'I've been wanting to show you this. She takes after you, she absolutely loves this stuff.'

He laughed. 'Wow, she really does, doesn't she?' His heart swelled with pride. He probably shouldn't be this overjoyed that his daughter was a punk rocker in the making, but he was; it made him feel like this little replica of her mother was truly a part of him as well.

Their eyes met in a brief smile before they turned back to Lucy. Then, as they were watching her, they were awarded with a bright, gummy smile.

'Oh my God,' Neela said. 'Did she just…?'

'I think she did. I think that was her first smile.' Ray felt tears of joy pricking at his eyes. He had been afraid that moments like these would occur while he was at work, and he would miss them all, but he couldn't think of a more perfect time for this to happen.

'I can't believe it. Her very first smile. Oh Lucy, baby, well done my clever little girl. Oh Ray, she smiled, she smiled.' Neela had gone one step further than Ray, there were actually crystals of moisture formed on her lashes.

He shifted Lucy so he had a free arm to put around Neela, and she leaned into his body contentedly. 'I'm so happy that I was here to see it.'

'I've played it to her several times now, but she's never smiled before. She must have been waiting for you.'

Ray smiled at them both, so wide he thought his face might crack. He wanted to wipe away the tiny tear that was trailing down her cheek but he didn't have a spare hand, so he tightened his arm around her waist, his thumb stroking the exposed skin that he had found between the top of her pajamas and the bottom of her tank top. He bent down to kiss her on the top of her head.

'I don't think I've ever, ever been this happy before,' he said quietly, his voice brimming with emotion.

'Neither have I,' she replied seriously.

After a little silence, where they both watched Lucy contentedly, Ray grinned at Neela smugly. 'I can't believe my four week old daughter adores The Clash; you know I'm never going to shut up about this, don't you?'

'Oh yes,' she said resignedly.

'Can you take her a minute please?' he asked.

Neela held out her arms and Ray passed the baby to her. 'Where are you going?'

His face was lit by a thousand watt smile. 'To call Brett and Nick. Just wait 'til they hear this one.'


	20. Stalemate

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you so, so much for all the reviews, it's just incredible how many I've received for this story. It really makes writing worthwhile. Although I should know better by now than to make statements like this, but this story is beginning to come to an end; about five chapters to go I think, and I've really been looking forward to writing these ones, so I hope they turn out well. I can't find any clips of "I Do" for the prequel to this - does anyone have any recommendations? (and links to sites don't show up if you write them as a whole, so put a random space or something in them).

The days slipped past as they fell into a fixed routine. Ray was on days for the time being, for which he was extremely grateful, as although any time spent with Neela and Lucy was utterly fantastic, it was the evenings, dinner with Neela, tending to Lucy in the night, sometimes even being home early enough to bath her and put her to bed, and their breakfast ritual that he really loved. And now Abby was back at work, a little of the pressure was lifted and the occasional day off came his way.

Ray was at work at the moment, making the most of a brief lull by taking a short break. He was hiding out on the roof, enjoying the relative peace, using it to contemplate his current position. The situation between him and Neela had reached a sort of a stalemate almost. The move into her room had become permanent, and some of his things were beginning to creep in there also; a bit of clothes, his hair gel and a few other bits and pieces. It was very cramped with all three of them living in the same room and he sensed it wouldn't be long before the idea was floated of creating a nursery out of his old bedroom. Once that happened though, it meant another layer of pretence would be peeled away. The moment Lucy moved out, he ceased to be in Neela's bed as an on-hand babysitter. He sighed. Maybe then, at last, things would move forward a bit.

That wasn't to say they hadn't moved forward at all though. They had, and that was what had caused the stalemate, which was further proof to Ray that he was definitely on the right path by trying to take it slowly. If only he didn't need her so damn much.

It had happened one morning while they were standing in the doorway going through their customary goodbye routine before he left for work. Lucy, unusually for her, had dozed off to sleep straight after her morning feed so they'd put her back in her cot, but Neela still followed him to the door.

'So, have you got any plans for today?' he asked her.

'Well, I think I might make the most of Sleeping Beauty's little nap and go back to bed myself, then after that, not a lot really. I should start thinking about finding a nanny for when I go back to work; I want Lucy to know whoever it is before we just leave her with them, but I think that's something we should do together, so I don't think I'll start tackling that yet.'

'Whatever you think best Neela. I'll see you tonight.' He bent to kiss her on the cheek but she moved her head at just the wrong moment, or the right one, depending on how you looked at it and instead of touching her cheek as he had intended, he managed to kiss her squarely on the lips. It was the ultimate clichéd moment straight from a movie, and just like in movies, they both stayed absolutely still for what felt like an eternity, eyes closed, simply waiting.

Then he felt Neela lean towards him. It was the tiniest of movements, almost imperceptible, and if he hadn't been in complete tune with her, he would never have noticed it, but he did, and it gave him the confidence to press forward, making the most of the situation, even though his brain was screaming at him to withdraw, to pass it off as an unfortunate, slightly embarrassing accident.

Very, very slowly, he began to kiss her properly, moving his lips against hers and holding his breath in hope. For a few seconds, she didn't respond, and he was just on the verge of pulling away when, with a leap of his heart, he felt her begin to kiss him back. Her bare arms wrapped themselves around his waist underneath his jacket and with a soft moan she tilted her head back and allowed him to kiss her fully, returning his passion. He let his bag fall from his shoulder, hitting the floor with a dull thud, and made good use of his now free hands. He placed them carefully on each side of her face, thumbs stroking, fingers cupping, drawing her closer to him, inviting her to kiss him more deeply.

Neela was completely caught up in the moment. As soon as she felt his lips on hers, her mind emptied of all thoughts, all reasons why this was a bad idea and she was overtaken by the warm feeling that started in the pit of her stomach and diffused through her whole body. Kissing Ray was like nothing she had ever felt before, and the passage of time had not eroded that feeling. If anything, it felt even better than last time. She could feel his heart racing and knew hers was doing the same. His tongue was gently trying to press into her mouth now, and with another moan, she allowed him entry, their tongues colliding in a passionate dance.

They stood locked together for the longest time, each savouring the feel, the taste, the smell, of the other until the need for oxygen burned in their lungs more painfully than their need for each other. They broke apart, but didn't move away from each other.

'Ray,' she whispered breathlessly.

He wished he could say something, but he was dumbstruck. Kissing her now was even more fantastic than he remembered it to be. He knew that as the minutes passed, he was closer and closer to being late for work, but worse, closer and closer to taking her in his arms and never letting her go, no matter how much she protested against it.

For fear of what he might do next, he forced himself to lower his arms from her, plunging his hands into his pockets, where they were safe. 'Neela, I…' His voice was hoarse with emotion, and there was such love alive in his eyes that Neela almost had to look away. 'I…' he stumbled again. He wished he could say everything that he wanted to, but he couldn't find the words to voice such overpowering feelings.

'I have to go to work.' You coward, he thought to himself. Just like you always do; take the easy option Ray, take the safe option.

Disappointment and sadness flooded her features, her face falling. 'Yes, you had better way, or you'll be late.'

And with a few more awkward glances he was gone.

That had been just over a week ago (eight days and six and a half hours actually, but who was counting?) and the incident hadn't been mentioned. At all. It was as if it had never happened, and sometimes, lying next to her in the dead of night, sleep far away, he began to wonder if it _had _happened, or was simply a product of his overactive imagination and fevered longings. But he knew from the flush of her cheeks when she looked at him, the way she kept her head stock still when he kissed her in the morning to prevent the same happening again, that it hadn't been a dream. It had been real, too real for her to be able to cope with clearly. He had come home from work that night full of hope, but she hadn't said a word and he had quickly realised that there would be no repeat, no talk, and no happy ending yet.

But then, he reasoned, it was still only a matter of months since she had lost her husband, and in no normal circumstances would Neela be thinking about settling down with someone so soon. It was thoughts of Gallant that had prevented him trying to broach it. Every time he caught her eye to find a deep, unfathomable look there, he thought he might just be able to find the courage to broach what had happened, then all the memories came tumbling back. That terrible morning, her wedding, the night she left, the horrific, broken look on her face as she turned to see the Army personnel waiting for her. What she had been through broke his heart, so he couldn't begin to imagine what it had done to her. He knew she loved him, and that she wanted to be with him eventually. That would have to be enough for now. He didn't want to push her for more than she could give.

His pager went off, and he cursed quietly. Couldn't they leave him alone for just a few minutes? A little bit of peace, time to think; that was all he asked. He had found that he couldn't think straight at home; simply being in her company made formulating coherent thoughts difficult, and when he was around Lucy, he didn't want to waste time thinking, he just wanted to enjoy her. That meant that work was his only haven for trying to figure out where the Hell they were headed with this.

No such luck today though. He hurried back down the stairs.

'Barnett,' Frank barked as he ran towards the admit desk. 'A guy's just collapsed out in the ambulance bay. Every other white coat in this place is tied up in trauma. Sam's already there, get out and help.'

'On my way Frank.'

When he reached the ambulance bay, Sam was kneeling down over the patient in question, checking his pulse.

'Ray, thank God. This is Mr Smale, aged fifty five, complaining of shortness of breath and acute chest pain.'

'Okay.' He knelt alongside her. 'Mr Smale, I'm Doctor Barnett, and it looks like you're having a heart attack. We're going to get you inside, and start treating you, all right?'

The man nodded, in too much pain to talk.

'Sam, run inside and get a gurney out here,' he said, then added in an undertone, 'and a bit of assistance please.' They would need all the help they could get, because this guy was _huge_, three hundred and fifty pounds if he was an ounce, and tall with it, a good six foot four or five by the look of him. He and Sam would never be able to get him on a gurney by themselves.

A couple of minutes later, Sam returned, pushing a gurney with Chuny.

'You brought Chuny?' he asked incredulously, too annoyed at Sam's lack of thought to worry about politeness.

'Charming,' Chuny retorted, clearly ticked off.

Then Ray realised how his comment had come out, and how offensive it had been. 'I'm sorry Chuny, I didn't mean it like that, you know I didn't.' He gave her one of his most winning smiles, and she softened a little. 'But,' he lowered his voice so the patient couldn't hear, 'this is going to be difficult; I was kind of thinking more along the lines of Malik or Pratt or…' Or a forklift truck perhaps?

'Everyone is busy Ray, we'll just have to do it ourselves. The guy isn't that out of it, he can probably work with us a bit.' Ray sighed. He knew they were right. He had to get him inside as soon as they could, and there was no other way but strength and brute force.

Ten minutes of huffing and puffing, strained muscles and crushed fingers by everyone, including poor Mr Smale, and he was almost up and on the gurney. One last push and they'd be done. And it was right when they were all mustering up the energy for the final effort that Ray felt something go in his back, and he let out a cry of pain.

He heaved Mr Smale those last few inches onto the gurney, gritting his teeth against the blinding agony he was in, and as soon as he felt him settle into place, Ray staggered away, bending over, hands clutching the small of his back as best he could.

'Ray, are you okay?' Sam asked over her shoulder; her and Chuny were already on their way in with Mr Smale.

'Argh, no, my back,' he managed to force out in spite of his clenched jaw.

'All right, I'll find someone to take this, then I'll be right back out. Stay where you are.'

'Do I look like I can move?' he snarled, but she didn't hear him, which he thought was probably for the best if he wanted anything approaching sympathetic treatment.

Sam soon reappeared. 'Right, what've you done?'

His face was contorted with pain. 'Pr-prolapsed disc I think. Lumbar region, feels like somewhere around L2 or L3. Jesus, it hurts.' He spoke with ragged breaths.

'Okay, let's get you inside.' Sam positioned herself under Ray's arm, letting him use her as support to stagger inside. After a lot of effort from Sam and pain for Ray, he was lying on a gurney flat on his back in an exam room. Abby had come in, and was standing over him, the sympathy on her face tempered with a hint of amusement. It was always ever so slightly funny when a doctor got mildly injured in the course of duty, and this wasn't the first time it had happened to Ray. No-one had ever quite let him forget the bedpan he had received in the face as an intern.

'Is there something amiss Doctor Barnett? You have a board to clear out there you know; you don't have time to be lying down for a rest.'

'Shut up and give me some painkillers.'

Abby couldn't help but laugh.

'This isn't funny,' Ray snapped, even though part of him could see the funny side, although he thought that might be down to the fact that he was getting delirious with the pain.

'It is a little bit funny,' Abby pointed out before she put on a more professional air. 'Right, can you roll onto your side so I can examine you?'

A few minutes of agonising poking and prodding, and Abby was done, and Ray was sure she had taken the longest possible time that she could. 'Okay. I don't think you've actually slipped a disc, but you've definitely done some damage; it's difficult to tell how much though. I'm going to write you off for a week, and prescribe you a course of anti-inflammatories and some codeine for the pain. Plenty of bed rest, no heavy lifting, you know the score. The more you rest, the sooner you heal.' Abby paused while a thought occurred to her. 'Neela's going to have a fun week,' she said with a smile.

'You'd better call her. I drove in this morning, and the only way I'm going to be able to sit up straight without passing out with the pain is if I eat a pack of codeine, which might impair my driving ability a bit. She'll have to get the El in and drive me home.'

'I'm off in half an hour. If you can wait, I'll drive your car home and take the El from your place,' she offered, thinking of Neela's driving again.

He accepted her offer gratefully. He would, no doubt, be imposing on Neela enough in the coming week; there was no need to start before he had to.

Abby hurried off to try to get through her patients more quickly, and Ray lay there waiting for her, putting off the moment of having to put himself through the next round of pain by getting up. Damn this bloody injury, he thought. I'm never going to be able to get closer to her like this.


	21. Itchy carpet

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Again, thank you for the reviews; here's an extra long chapter for you as a reward, and a bit sooner than I usually manage as well. Who knows, plenty of reviews, and you might get another one just as quickly. Just a bit of a warning on this chapter however; the rating for this might be a little more than T. Definitely doesn't hit the M rating, but maybe consider it a T+.

Neela had popped out with Lucy for a stroll through the park to make the most of the decent spell of weather, and she had stopped on the way home to pick up a few groceries; just some essentials that they had run out of. The walk had lulled Lucy to sleep, so Neela had nothing better to do with her time as she made her way back to the apartment than to muse over recent events.

The kiss, of course, was uppermost in her mind, as it had been ever since it happened. My God, it had been incredible, she thought. Just _incredible. _Even now, over a week later, her knees went weak and her heart began to race simply thinking about it. It had taken her by surprise, but when they were standing there, so close, lips touching, she couldn't help herself; she had had to close the distance between them. In that moment, she needed to feel him against her, so without letting herself think, she had leant towards him, inviting him to take the next step. And he had more than obliged. He tasted deliciously of tea and toothpaste and merely kissing him made her moan; goodness knows how things could have gone if he hadn't had to leave for work. Of course she knew she loved him, but she hadn't quite realised that she still desired him so much as well.

His awkwardness afterwards disappointed her, but she wasn't surprised. It was all so difficult. Following a day of deliberations and arguing against herself endlessly, she had decided to pretend it had never happened. It might not be the bravest way to behave, but as soon as they had The Talk, that would be it, she would have to leave Michael, her love and her guilt for him behind, and she didn't feel like she deserved that release yet. Soon, but not yet. And also, she was guided by Ray's reaction. He had fled from her, making it clear he didn't want to talk about it, so she hadn't.

Days had passed now though, and instead of the memory of the kiss fading, as she had half expected it to, it had just grown stronger. Every time she looked at him or touched him, she felt the ghost of his lips on hers again. The nights were so torturous they were almost a joke. On the rare occasions that she actually managed to sleep, she was plagued by dreams of him, invariably some variation of a happy, contented scene between them and when she was awake, she could hardly breathe for desire, knowing that he was just inches away from her, and all it would take would be one word, one touch, and... She knew if she didn't pluck up the courage to talk to him soon, she was going to go mad.

She reached the apartment building with a weary sigh. The elevator was broken _again_ and she faced another monumental struggle getting the pram up the stairs. By the time she got to the top, she was panting with exertion, and she rifled urgently through her bag for her keys. When she stepped inside the door, she immediately tripped over something, grabbing onto the pram handle hard to prevent herself from falling over. She looked down to find the offending object; she was sure she had tidied up before she went out. It was Ray's bag. What was he doing here? His shift wasn't meant to end for hours yet. Was everything all right?

'Ray? Ray, are you here?'

'In the kitchen.' His voice was curiously flat, so she parked the pram with Lucy asleep again after the ordeal of the stairs in the corridor and made her way through to the kitchen.

He was lying flat on his back on the floor, arms crossed across his chest and eyes closed, a wry expression on his face. For the tiniest, split second, she thought something was seriously wrong, and fear gripped her heart. Please God, let him be okay. She rushed to his side.

'Ray, what's happened?'

One eye opened slowly, then the other, but he made no effort to get up. 'I've put my back out,' he said sulkily, and Neela couldn't help a smile of relief and amusement creeping onto her face.

'Oh thank God, I thought it was something terrible.'

'Abby had to feed me four codeine to get me up the stairs. She nearly needed one herself by the end of it. Believe me, from where I'm lying, it is pretty terrible.'

'Four codeine? Ray, you know that's far too many,' she reprimanded him. He should know better than to take that amount. It was bloody powerful stuff. 'Now I understand the lying down thing, but can I ask why the floor? And why the kitchen floor specifically? It's probably the dirtiest place that you could have found in the entire apartment, and there are several other strong contenders.'

'The bed was too soft. I was in the lounge but the carpet was too itchy.'

Neela laughed in spite of herself. She knew he was unlikely to appreciate her mocking him, but he looked and sounded utterly ridiculous.

'Why does everyone think this is so goddamn funny?' he asked moodily, although seeing her genuinely grinning, even if it was at his own expense, brought a hint of a smile to his face.

'I'm sorry Ray,' she snickered. 'But you have to admit it is a bit.'

'If you think it's funny now, wait til you hear how I did it.'

Neela made herself comfortable where she was sitting, moving from her kneeling position to lean back against a cupboard, knees bent. Unconsciously, she reached out to him, and ran her fingers gently along his arm. 'Go on then, tell me.'

'Me, Sam and Chuny tried to get a three hundred and fifty pounder having a heart attack onto a gurney on our own.' He tried to ignore the movements of her fingers. It felt like a series of electric shocks were dancing over his skin, but it wasn't like he could do anything about it right now, with his back feeling like about a thousand needles were being driven into it.

'What? Were you out of your mind?'

'In hindsight yes,' he conceded. 'Everyone was busy, it seemed like a good idea at the time.'

She sighed with feigned weariness. 'What are we going to do with you? I'm going to have my work cut out with this, aren't I?'

'I'm sorry Neela,' he said seriously. 'I didn't mean to make things difficult for you. I know you've got a lot on at the moment, you don't need this on top of everything else as well.'

'Oh Ray, don't worry.' Her fingers stopped moving up and down on his arm, and she laid her palm over one of his hands. He raised his head a fraction of an inch off the floor to look at their hands, and he linked his fingers with hers. 'You've been doing nothing but take care of me and Lucy; let me look after you for a bit.'

'I can't ask you to do that Neela.'

'You don't have to ask.' She smiled down at him. 'I'm offering.'

He smiled back at her, and she scrambled to her feet, holding out a hand to him. 'Come on, up you get.'

'You have to be kidding. This is the first time since it happened I haven't wanted to rip my spine out with my bare hands. With the hard floor and the painkillers between them, I'm almost, _almost_, not in agonising pain anymore. I could do with a cushion for my head if you're offering though.'

She shook her head. 'No, I'll help you up.' He looked up at her doubtfully. 'I've got a better idea than lying on a cold, hard floor.' She gave him a winning smile. 'Trust me Ray.'

It took a lot of effort to get him up and through to the bedroom. He blanched with pain as soon as he tried sitting up, and Neela saw his jaw clench as he bit back a cry as he struggled to his feet. 'Is it that bad?' she asked sympathetically.

He nodded wordlessly.

'All right, not much further. The worst bit is over now, you can do it.' She tried to sound encouraging.

They had gotten as far as the threshold of their room when Neela stumbled over a toy of Lucy's that was lying on the floor. She had been under his arm propping him up and when she was knocked off balance, he lost his as well, and they both landed on the floor in a tangle of limbs.

Ray let out an undignified bellow of pain.

'Oh my God, are you okay?' Neela crawled out from underneath him sheepishly. He'd been quite happy on the floor of the kitchen, but she'd insisted he got up and now she'd effectively thrown him on the ground.

'Not really, no,' he gasped.

'I'm so sorry Ray.' She felt she really ought to apologise, but she wasn't entirely sure if he could still see the funny side, so she spoke tentatively.

'That's all right,' he replied, but he didn't sound all that forgiving. 'Just help me up and into bed please.'

She did as she was told. She could tell he wasn't happy. She helped him into the bedroom and he sat down on the bed with another groan.

'I am sorry,' she said again, quietly. 'I didn't mean to drop you, I just fell over something on the floor.' She sounded so contrite that he couldn't help but forgive her. It was an accident after all.

He took her hand. 'It's okay, don't worry about it. It was only an accident. It just hurt an awful lot, that's all.' He paused, then continued shyly. 'Do you think you could… help me into bed please?' He wasn't sure if he liked this role reversal; her as the carer and him in need of being looked after.

'I've got a better idea –'

He cut her off. 'I think I've had enough of your ideas for one day Neela. It's fine, I'll get into bed myself.'

He really was mad with her, she thought to herself. 'No, Ray, wait. I'll help you if you want, but I was going to give you a massage. I… I thought it might help.'

He cocked his head to one side, and looked at her with interest. A decent massage could be good. 'Go on,' he said with a raised eyebrow.

She realised this was her opportunity to make up for what she just did, but wasn't quite sure how to press her suggestion forward. 'Well, I… Well, to make up for throwing you on the floor just now, and because you're in pain, and…'

He smiled at her, a glint in his eye. 'Okay, you've sold it to me.'

Slowly, she returned his smile. 'Right then,' she said purposefully. 'Shirt off.' He gave her a questioning glance. 'Do as you're told Ray, do you want this massage or not?'

'Definitely,' he replied firmly.

'Then shirt off,' she ordered.

Slowly, so as not to strain his back further, he peeled his shirt over his head, and let Neela help him so he was lying on his front on the bed. Once he was in position, he heard her go over to her dresser and start searching through the drawers. After a couple of minutes, she gave a little exclamation of triumph.

'What have you got there?' he asked, curious.

'Massage oil.'

Since when was Neela the sort of woman that kept massage oil in her bedroom, he wondered to himself. Something as sensual as that didn't really seem her style, but if he'd underestimated her, he wasn't sorry. It made for a pleasant surprise.

He didn't hear her open the bottle, but the room soon filled with a subtle, spicy scent as she carefully drizzled the oil into her hands, letting it drip from one cupped palm to the other, warming it. He thanked God for this back injury and cursed him at the same time. Without this twist of fate, he couldn't imagine any circumstance in which he would have come home from work today and be greeted with the offer of a full back massage. On the other hand, the fact that he was barely capable of moving meant that he was unable to capitalise on what he thought was very likely to be one of the most erotic experiences of his life. For some deep, instinctive reason, he had no doubt at all that Neela would be very good at this.

Once she decided the oil was sufficiently warm, she made her way over to the bed. She had offered the massage as a way of trying to alleviate some of the pain he was in, but she was not unaware of its other implications. His injury was a blind, a cover, for doing what she really wanted to do, which was to run her hands over that fabulous pale skin, feeling and learning every nuance of his body. It gave her permission to do so without having to question why she wanted to do it.

Carefully, she climbed onto the bed and straddled him. It might not be the most appropriate position to be in, but it was the easiest for giving a massage. She let the oil trickle out of her hands onto his back and slowly, precisely, began to move her small hands over his body. He gave a couple of brief gasps of pain at her first few touches, but as she worked, she felt his strained muscles begin to unknot themselves under her fingers. She began at his lower back where the pain was, working from the outside in narrowing circles towards the source of the agony.

'Is that any good?' she asked him. 'Tell me if I'm hurting you.'

Ray could feel some of the pain and tension begin to fade away as a result of her attentions, and he gave a contented sigh before answering. 'It hurts a bit, but it's good; it's really helping.'

So she carried on. When she was sure she had done all she could for his back, she ran her hands slowly up his spine, relocating her ministrations to his upper back and shoulders, stroking and kneading skilfully as she went.

While she had been focussing on his injury, Ray had been absolutely fine. It had been perfectly possible to see what they were doing as a favour to an ailing friend or whatever, and so he could simply relax and relish the fact that a degree of the agony he had been in for the last few hours had gone.

Now though… Oh God, now. The moment she had started to move upwards, she had had to reposition herself a little, and now instead of straddling his thighs, he could feel her knees, the skin smooth and bare; she was wearing a little summer dress in light of the warm weather, against his waist, almost gripping him for balance. In his mind's eye, he could see her rearing above him, the hem of her dress pushed high up her legs as she ran her hands over his body.

Predictably, he felt his blood begin to pump heavily in his veins, and it was all headed in one, southerly, direction. He bit his lip against a groan of desire; he was in a whole different type of agony now. He would give anything at this moment to be able to take her by surprise, to roll over and flip her onto her back in one great movement. He wanted to pin her to the bed just as she was pinning him. He wanted to push the hem of that little cotton dress further and further upwards, exposing a silky cappuccino coloured thigh to touch, to kiss. He wanted to… Oh God, he wanted her. He wanted to touch and taste every last bit of her. Now.

Neela noticed that Ray's breathing had suddenly gotten shallower, more laboured, and when she looked, she saw his hands had clenched into fists, gripping the duvet cover with white knuckles. It was as if he was in pain.

'Ray, are you all right? Am I hurting you?'

How to answer that one? Yes would be the most honest thing to say, but not in the way she was asking. Thank God he was lying on his front and she couldn't see what she had done to him.

'You're… you're going to have to stop Neela,' he gasped reluctantly.

'Am I hurting you?' she repeated, her voice full of concern. She didn't stop the massaging movements of her hands though.

'For God's sake Neela,' he said desperately, 'please stop. Just go. Please, go.' He knew he was being harsh with her, but he had to make her go away. He couldn't bear what she was doing to him.

He half lifted his head to look over his shoulder and caught the hurt, confused expression on her face as she slowly levered herself off him. Without another word, but with the hint of tears forming on her lashes, she left the room.

Ray felt immediately guilty at the way he had just treated her, but tried to console himself with the fact that it really wasn't his fault. He would have sacrificed almost anything, possibly even his guitar, for the ability right then to turn over and take her in his arms. He wasn't naïve enough to think that when she had offered him a massage, it had been for reasons purely of pain relief. But now he'd gone and absolutely blown it. Again.

When Neela fled the room, she retreated to the corridor to check on Lucy, who was just beginning to stir in the pram. Scooping her into her arms before she started making a racket, she made her way into the kitchen, intent on finding herself a nice, cool glass of water. She needed something to sip at to try to calm herself.

Why had Ray suddenly turned on her like that? It didn't make sense at all. She couldn't have been hurting him; she'd been miles away from the lumbar region of his back, where the injury was. She replayed the scene to herself in her mind's eye to try to work out what she had done wrong.

She'd moved up from his lower back to his shoulders. She smiled to herself briefly as she remembered the feel of him between her knees when she had repositioned herself further up his body. She felt a little thrill course through her when the skin of his waist hit the exposed skin of the inside of her legs. Then a thought occurred to her. If it had aroused her, what had it done to Ray? The ragged breathing, the clenched fists, the blush of embarrassment on his cheeks as he had half looked round at her, and the heated flush of desire on his neck.

The penny dropped.

Oh, that was what I did wrong, she thought. Well, not wrong as such, in fact, very right, but at the wrong time. She felt a rush of excitement that she was still able to do that to him, and a smile crept onto her face. The sooner his back was healed, the better.


	22. A definite timeframe

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: I cannot believe this story has hit two hundred reviews. Thank you, all of you, so much, it's just fantastic. I love hearing what you think of my writing and if you're enjoying the story, and you're most certainly obliging in that! You can thank the rubbishy weather for the current quick chapter writing (helped by the amount of reviews, obviously!).

A few hours later, and after much deliberation, Neela tentatively knocked on the bedroom door. She'd tried to everything she could possibly think of to take her mind off him; she'd played with Lucy, she'd cleaned, she'd tidied, she'd cleaned again. She'd even considered filling the time by baking, but upon reflection, she'd abandoned that plan. Experience had taught her that cookies were not the best way to win Ray over. A bad back was quite enough for him to be going on with; he didn't need food poisoning as well.

She briefly flitted with the idea of calling Abby then remembered she was working, and she didn't need to actually talk to her to know what she'd be told to do. She felt like talking to someone though. In the absence of a sounding board more able to give her a reply, she settled down on the sofa with Lucy.

'What do you think then, should I go and talk to Daddy?'

She received a happy little gurgle in return.

'Sorry baby, but that wasn't much help. You couldn't give me a bit more to go on could you?' Neela paused as if she was expecting an answer. 'No, I didn't think you would. This is one decision I'm going to have to make on my own, isn't it?'

She sighed. She really had got herself into a mess now, hadn't she? Inadvertently, she had put the issue of the romantic element of their relationship off and off, and now it seemed like it had slipped so far she wasn't entirely sure what she could do to pull it back.

It should be easy. All it should have taken was a whispered word in the darkness. She knew that at any point in the long nights they had lain together in each other's arms, all she had to do was whisper _yes _and he would know what she meant and that would be it. Happily ever after. But if it was all that simple, they could have done it weeks ago. They could have done that the afternoon they brought Lucy home and sat watching their little miracle until they fell asleep on the sofa together.

She had needed to come to terms with Michael's death first though. She wasn't sure she'd ever entirely get over it, not the guilt anyway. She cheated on him, married him, then stood in black at his funeral with another man's baby in her belly. She didn't think she deserved absolution for what she had done, but even in the short time she had known him, she knew Michael well enough to know that he would want her to be happy, to get on with her life. He had said as much in that video. And as Pratt had told her, although the way her happiness had come about was unorthodox, wrong even, it was happiness nonetheless. It was an over simplification of a very complicated situation, but she and Ray were here, Michael wasn't. She couldn't live in the past forever; there was another life, a better life, waiting for her.

And now it was there within her grasp. It had been dancing right at the tips of her fingers as she had run them over his body. She thought suddenly of Abby's words of a couple of weeks ago. As usual, Abby was right. She _was _more ready than she thought. She was completely ready. And she didn't want to wait any longer.

It took her a while to get Lucy off to sleep. She'd already had a fair nap this afternoon and was in no mood to be rocked and lulled to sleep. She was waving her fists around, trying to grab at something to pull; hair, earrings, necklace; she was going for everything she could get at. Neela had a feeling she was angling for some more music, but she wasn't going to oblige her. 'Come on sweetie, I'd like you to go to sleep. I need to talk to Daddy, and I don't want to be interrupted, and we all know how much you demand attention, so I'm not even going to try until you're asleep. No, I'm not. So I'm going to rock you, and walk you around, and sing lullabies to you until you fall to sleep.'

Neela laughed at the look her daughter threw her. 'And pouting like that at me is not going to change my mind.'

Finally, she laid Lucy down in the pram, not wanting to take her through to the cot. She summoned her courage and walked towards his door. How was she going to tackle this? Did she start on the incident of earlier, or did she go straight into the wider issue? Could they even tackle the wider issue until they got past the embarrassment of the massage? And how on earth do you go about talking about something like that?

She decided to make him a cup of tea as a peace offering. She made it just the way he liked it, dark and hot, no milk, and with honey rather than sugar. It would serve as an ice breaker at any rate, give her an opening gambit.

Holding the mug in one hand, the other hovered against the door, then, steeling herself, she tapped on the wood. She made sure she knocked softly, thinking perhaps he might be asleep and unsure of whether or not she was welcome. 'Ray?' she asked quietly.

There was a short pause before she received a reply. 'Come in.'

She poked her head around the door uncertainly. He was lying on his back again, on top of the bedcovers and still shirtless, wearing just jeans, with the waistband of his boxers showing in a line all the way round the top of the denim. Neela gave herself a little mental shake as she caught herself staring, following with her eyes the narrow line of hairs on his stomach, running from his navel down... Wow, he looked good. Really good.

'I… I umm… brought you a cup of tea,' she stumbled. 'I wasn't sure if you'd want one, but I thought…' Now she was here, she realised this might have worked better if she had actually planned what she was going to say. Wading through the haze in her mind, she had a feeling, sitting in the lounge, she had thought this through, but right now, she wasn't so sure. Any thoughts that she had had had just upped and left anyway at the sight of him stretched out on their bed. She guessed that she should just tell him how she felt; that was what he wanted to hear, nothing more, nothing less. And whatever happened, they needed to get this out of the way before she came to bed that night.

He smiled at her. 'Thank you, I could do with one.'

She made her way over to him, and put the mug down on the windowsill. 'Here, let me help you sit up.' He gingerly lifted himself up on his elbows and grunted a little with the effort and pain of pulling himself up the bed. Neela was quick to support his back, and propped him up on a collection of pillows.

She handed him the tea. 'Cheers.'

'No problem.'

There was a long, awkward silence, with both of them looking at anything but each other. Neela didn't know what to say. She wanted to tell him not to be embarrassed, that she should have known better than to give him a massage like that, and she hadn't meant to well, you know, and yet at the same time somehow also let him know that she was kind of pleased that she could do that to him, and if it hadn't been for his back then…

Thinking about it, Ray didn't think he'd been this embarrassed since he was about fifteen. Honestly, at his age, he was meant to be able to have a massage from a woman without _that _happening. And he had no idea at all what to say to her. His tongue felt like it had been superglued to the roof of his mouth, and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. He wasn't sure if she'd cottoned on or not, and he didn't know which he'd rather. If she had realised what was going on, then it was one of the most awkward, humiliating things to have ever happened to him, and if she hadn't, then it looked like he had behaved with appalling rudeness. Seriously, he thought, heads I lose, tails I lose.

But sitting here not talking about it wasn't going to help a whole lot. 'Neela, I –'

'Umm, Ray –'

Typically, they both started talking at precisely the same moment. They laughed nervously and started to backtrack. Neela was playing with a loose strand of hair and Ray repeatedly tapped his finger against the rim of the cup.

'You first,' she offered.

'No, no, ladies first,' he argued.

'Really, Ray, it's fine, you go.'

'No, honestly Neela, you…'

Neela realised they could go on like this all day unless one of them did something about it, and she knew that the first move would have to be hers. She sighed, and perched on the bed next to him.

'I'm sorry,' she said quietly, not quite being able to meet his eyes.

'What on earth are you sorry for?' he asked, confused.

'I'm sorry for putting you through absolute torture these last weeks. I guess I sort of knew that this must be… physically… difficult for you, but I don't think I realised until what happened this afternoon just how umm… hard it is.' She cringed at her choice of words, and felt a blush work its way across her cheeks. It hadn't meant to quite come out like that.

Ray sniggered. Turns out I'm not the only one who would pay good money for the ground to open up and swallow me right now, he thought. 'What did you say?' he said with the hint of a grin. Suddenly, he saw the funny side of what had happened, and it really didn't seem quite as bad anymore.

She elbowed him lightly, just enough to make her point without, hopefully, exacerbating his injury. 'You know what I mean, please don't make me say it again. Once was bad enough.'

'Oh, but you worded it _so _well,' he teased her.

She laughed in spite of herself, and partly in relief that he seemed to be finding it amusing. She was pretty sure he hadn't found it remotely funny earlier, so she was glad of his change of heart. 'Watch it,' she warned, 'or I will make the next week exceedingly painful for you.'

'Neela, believe me when I say there is _nothing _you can do that could make the next week more painful than what you did this afternoon.'

She raised an eyebrow. 'Is that a challenge?'

'No,' he said emphatically, making them both laugh again. Their eyes met with a deep look, and Neela clambered across him to lie beside him on her side of the bed. Lucy was safely asleep in the lounge, and Neela had one ear tuned in to pick up any sound she might make, but she was quiet for now, so hopefully she had the time to get out what she wanted to say. She began running it over in her head.

There was another lull in conversation, but this time the silence was a comfortable one, and Ray sipped at his tea contentedly. He was glad they'd got through this little episode unscathed. Hopefully when things between them were resolved, he wouldn't live in fear of such insignificant little moments destroying them.

Then she took him by complete surprise.

'Are we going to talk seriously about this, or just laugh and joke?'

'Sorry, what?' he sputtered.

'I mean, don't get me wrong,' she continued, pressing on despite her nerves and reservations, 'if you want to laugh and joke about it, it's absolutely fine by me. But I… I think I want to… If you want to talk, I'm r-ready.'

He stared at her. 'What exactly are you saying?'

'I'm not sure. I tried to get this all together in my head before I started, but I couldn't. I just… You said to keep you informed, and I…' She wished she could find the words to do this properly. 'You won't have to wait long.'

He gave her a long look, and she met his gaze steadily, not looking away or blinking once, and eventually, he felt a tiny smile begin to tug at the corners of his mouth. 'You sound like you have a timeframe in mind,' he said, not knowing quite what else to say. His stomach was tight with nerves, and… anticipation, he thought. Unless he was very much mistaken, something very definitive was about to happen.

'I might do,' she replied slowly, and Ray knew he heard a seductive note deep in her tone.

'Umm, may I ask if I am going to be given any sort of indication as to the particulars of that timeframe?'

When she smiled at him, her eyes were alight with an unhaunted cocktail of love and lust that he had only ever seen in his dreams. And her words were better still.

'Well, put it this way, how long will it be until your back is better?'


	23. A favour

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: There, that was what you had all been waiting for, wasn't it? I hope what follows lives up to expectations! And I know it sounds repetitive, but I'm going to say it again because I mean it; thank you for all the reviews. Two more chapters after this one by the way; I'm sorry to say the end is nigh.

Ray had followed Abby's instructions of plenty of rest to the absolute letter, and he was driving Neela crazy. For four days, he had done little but lie flat on his back, although he usually managed to drag himself out of bed and onto his feet at dinnertime each night; he didn't trust Neela's cooking and preferred the pain of doing it himself. He truly was working on the principle of the more rest he got, the sooner his back would heal, but Neela thought he really was taking it to the extreme.

Of course, she knew why he was behaving as he was, and she had to smile. She had a feeling this was going to be the quickest cured bad back she would ever come across in her medical career. It was amazing what a decent incentive could do, she mused.

After she'd effectively told him last Monday that she wanted to be with him, all the awkwardness between them that had plagued them for so long seemed to have faded. There were none of those uncomfortable silences and meaningful glances. Before, there were so many words they had been too afraid to say; now, somehow, they didn't seem to need them. Once she'd said her little speech, she had leant in to him and kissed him slowly, lingeringly. She knew he couldn't move much, so she did all the work. With one hand resting on his bare chest (she couldn't quite resist the temptation to touch it) and the other entwined with one of his, she met his lips, trying to show him everything she felt for him in one kiss. As they shut their eyes, feeling the closeness of each other, and he allowed her tongue to slide slowly alongside his, they knew, in that instant, that it had all been worth it.

After a short time, he broke away, breathless, and eyes darkened with desire. 'Unless you want a repeat of earlier, that's going to have to be it for now,' he said.

'Shame,' she said with a mischievous smile, leaning in to capture his lips again.

He pulled back from her more decisively this time. Whether she did or not, _he _didn't want a repeat of earlier. He didn't think he could survive the embarrassment twice in a day, and simply being near her was enough to test his control now. 'I'm sorry babe, but I mean it.'

She heard the reluctance in his voice and she knew he was probably right. When it happened, she knew they were going to make sure it was something that compensated for everything else that had happened. She moved away from him, back to her side of the bed and smiled questioningly. 'Babe?'

'Hmm, yeah, I thought I might try it. Do you think it works?'

She put her head to one side, pretending to think about it. 'Not really, I don't think I've ever been anyone's "babe" before, but I daresay I could get used to it. Keep trying it.' Her eyes sparkled with pure happiness.

'You'll always be my babe, whether I call you it or not.' He sighed contentedly. 'Where's Lucy?'

'Asleep in the pram,' she replied. 'Do you want me to bring her in?'

'Yes, if it's not going to disturb her. I don't get to see much of her now I'm at work again.' He smiled, one of his wide, all the way to the eyes smiles, and Neela felt her heart do a lazy backflip. 'I never thought I'd miss her so much.'

Neela disappeared to fetch Lucy, and quickly returned with a sleepy, smiling daughter. Ray held out his arms for her.

'Are you sure you can take her?' she asked.

'I'm fine. You've done a good job with the pillows.' If he was being honest, he already felt the pain in his back beginning to burn again despite the support, but he wasn't about to spoil one of the most perfect moments of his life by letting on. He cradled his daughter with one arm, stroking her forehead gently with one finger, and was rewarded by a little smile.

'God I love her Neela,' he said suddenly, his voice raw with emotion. 'Every time I see her and I hold her, I remember all over again just how amazing she is.'

Neela leaned her head against his shoulder. 'Well, we went through enough to get her, didn't we?'

'You know, when I first saw her, when Abby showed her to me, all I could think was I didn't care who her father was, what had happened, all I could think was that she was beautiful and she was yours, and I'd love her forever just for that.'

'I'm so sorry I didn't tell you she was yours Ray, I truly am. I was so scared by how much in love with you I was, am, that I didn't know how to cope with it. If I had time again…'

'Ssh,' he said softly. 'Neela, my love, I wouldn't have it any other way now. Everything that we've been through makes this even better, don't you think?'

They had fallen asleep like that, all three of them tumbled together in each others arms. Ray was the first to wake, several hours later, the light that had been earlier pouring through the window having faded almost to nothing. He had a dead arm from where Neela was leaning against it, and the other was aching from the weight of Lucy. He tried to shift slightly to ease the pressure, and immediately triggered the pain in his back again.

His hastily silenced cry of pain woke Neela. She sat up, eyes full of concern. 'What is it?' she asked sleepily.

'Oh, I moved a bit too quickly.' He didn't tell her that her leaning against him had made it feel like his arm was going to drop off. 'My back didn't like it. I think it might be time for another couple of codeine; do you think you could fetch them and a glass of water for me please?'

'No problem. Here, shall I put Lucy in the cot?' He passed her to her gratefully.

Even the nights hadn't been awkward, Neela mused. She had half expected them to be, trapped as they were in between the angst of the past and taking the long awaited step towards their future. It had been frustrating though.

The first night had been the worst by far. They had been asleep all afternoon so both she and Ray were wide awake, and for once, they were both hoping Lucy would have an unsettled night to give them something to do, but she failed spectacularly to oblige. There was nothing for it but to lie there, staring into the darkness.

'You're awake, right?' he asked at last. She'd been tossing and turning like she was lying on an ant's nest; he had hardly made an insightful observation.

'You noticed huh?'

'Yeah, lie still, you're killing my back.' His tone wasn't as harsh as his words.

'Oh, sorry.' She stilled herself instantly. 'I didn't realise what I was doing.'

'Don't worry about it; you weren't to know.' He paused, trying to make her out in the shadows. 'Are you okay? You seem very unsettled.'

Neela had blushed in the darkness. She wasn't sure if she wanted to tell him the reason behind her restlessness. It wouldn't exactly help the situation. 'I'm fine.'

'Neela…' he said warningly.

'Okay, okay, I'm not fine.' She rolled over to look at him. 'I… I wish your back was better,' she explained shyly.

Oh. _Oh. _'Not as much as I do,' he replied with a grin.

She didn't say anything but reached out and flicked on the lamp she had on the small chest of drawers beside her bed, taking the risk of waking Lucy up. Ray looked across at her, wondering what she was doing, but as soon as he saw her, bathed in the soft glow of the lamplight, he understood. Her chest was rising and falling at a much faster speed than was natural, her eyes were wide, darker even than normal and a thin film of sweat had beaded on her skin. She was almost trembling with desire.

'There,' she said. 'That's what the problem is.'

He gave her a sympathetic chuckle. 'That's how I've been feeling for weeks.' He held out his arms to her. 'Come here.' She settled herself against his chest, his skin feeling cool against her hot cheek, and sighed, trying to slow her breathing. 'Better?' he asked.

'Yes and no,' she admitted.

He began to stroke her hair gently. 'Not long honey, I promise.'

The other nights since then hadn't been quite so bad. She'd spent so long running around after him and Lucy that she was utterly exhausted, and she had fallen asleep the second her head had touched the pillow.

Now though, her patience was running out. He'd not asked for any painkillers in over a day. He'd dispensed with the codeine as soon as he was able; he'd suffered quite badly with nausea from them, but he hadn't had any ibuprofen either so she knew he couldn't be in that much pain anymore. She was trying to sort through some bills; the phone company was still persistently trying to charge her for a phone line at Abby's that she had cancelled weeks ago. She wasn't getting very far though; every telephone operator she had spoken to had tormented her by putting her on hold interminably with Greensleeves and other awful ditties tinkling away in the background. To make it worse, Lucy was crying and the shrill noise was grating on her nerves. She picked up a cushion from the sofa and marched to the bedroom.

'Ray Barnett, you daughter needs changing.' She hurled the cushion and it hit him full in the face.

He half sat up. 'But my back…'

'Your back is well enough for you to get up. Come on Ray, please. I can't run around after both of you ad infinitum. I'm trying to do some financial stuff, I can't achieve anything with her crying like this.'

He sat up tentatively, waiting for the wave of pain to hit. It didn't, and his face gave away his surprise.

'Not as bad as you thought?'

'Perhaps not,' he said sheepishly. 'I'm sorry I've been a nightmare. I just wanted my back to get better.'

She smiled at him, and went over to collect the cushion. 'I know, and I do too. But you're well enough now to be up and about so can you please come and help me with Lucy?'

'Yes, of course.' He thought it would be a good idea to do as she asked, and he pulled on a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt and hurried out to the lounge, where Lucy was bawling away in her bouncy chair.

Neela collected the phone and the pile of paperwork she was meant to be dealing with, and shut herself in the spare room, away from the opening chords of rock music that were beginning to fill the apartment. But the number she dialled wasn't the phone company's.

'Hello?'

'Hi Abby, it's me, how are you?'

'Exhausted. Between work and Joe I feel like I haven't slept for days. In fact, I don't think I have slept for a couple of days; I'm so tired it's difficult to tell anymore.'

'I can imagine,' Neela said sympathetically. 'Going back to work is going to be Hell. We've got to find a nanny soon; I'm not looking forward to that at all. Knowing my luck she'll turn out to be some empty headed young thing who keeps pawing Ray or some controlling freak who's worse than my mother.'

'Well, I think you're safe as far as Ray is concerned.'

Neela smiled widely, which she suspected Abby, with her usual insight, could hear down the phone. 'Ray's sort of what I'm calling about actually.'

'Oh yes, how's his back? Is he driving you up the wall yet?'

'He's driven me so far up the wall I think I'm hanging off the ceiling. He's done nothing but lie in bed flat on his back for four bloody days.'

Abby laughed. 'Well, I did tell him to rest.'

'But this is ridiculous. He's been so still he'll probably need PT to build his muscle mass up again. I don't think he's ever moved so little in the entire time I've known him.' Neela couldn't hide her exasperation.

'Perhaps he has a certain type of physical therapy in mind,' Abby said suggestively.

Any answer that Neela had been going to offer died abruptly in her throat. How did she do that? She had said nothing, nothing at all about her and Ray's new closeness, yet Abby had hit the nail right on the head at the first try.

Abby interpreted her friend's silence correctly. 'Ah, so he does. When did all this happen then? Spill the beans.'

'Don't get carried away, nothing's happened yet. But we're kind of… waiting on his back, which, if I'm being fair, is why he's been so hell bent on getting better as quickly as he can. Let's just say, both our patience have been wearing thin.'

There was more to come, Abby knew. 'So…?'

Neela sighed. 'So, I was wondering if you could look after Lucy on Saturday night?'

She couldn't resist a bit of teasing. 'Oh, so Saturday is the big night then. I hope it's worth the wait.'

'Shut up.' She was in no mood to be ribbed, even by her best friend. 'Will you take her or not?'

'Oh Neela, of course I will. I'm so pleased for you and Ray. You both deserve to be happy so, so much. Luka can come by and pick her up on his way home from work if you want, which should be around sixish, then we're both working on Sunday night so if you could collect her sometime before four on Sunday afternoon…?'

'That sounds brilliant, thanks Abby.' Neela knew she owed her a big favour.

'No problem. Just make the most of it, okay?'

'Oh, we will _definitely_ be making the most of it.'


	24. A red dress

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Well, here you go folks, next chapter, sorry it took me a little while. I'm getting so used to this story now that whenever I watch the show, I wonder where Lucy is for a moment before I remember she isn't actually a real character. I was watching "I Don't" and when Joe appeared, I thought for a second, Lucy should be there too. Then I remembered she's my creation only and I began to question my own sanity. Again, thank you for all the reviews. A touch of the T+ about this chapter, but nothing explicit.

The quiet knot of nerves that had been rolling around in Neela's stomach over the last couple of days was beginning to graduate from delicate butterflies to full blown nervous nausea. It was now early evening on Saturday and she was expecting Luka shortly to come and pick up Lucy. She hadn't told Ray. He knew something was up because she'd sent him out with a long, elaborate shopping list for dinner tonight but she didn't want him to bump into Luka and for the game to be given away. It also gave her a bit of time for some preparation.

She changed the sheets on the bed, breathing in the gorgeous scent of clean, fresh linen, and tidied up their collective clutter, which had begun to take over every available surface. She moved the vase of flowers from the lounge to the bedroom, setting them on the windowsill. Digging around in the bottom of the wardrobe, she pulled out a bag that had required quite a lot of cunning to slip out of the house to purchase. It contained some candles that she set about the room on various shelves, the windowsill either side of the flowers, the little chest of drawers beside the bed. There was also a new bottle of massage oil, which again she put next to the bed.

Next was a little preparation for herself. Lucy was awake, so she put her into her bouncy chair, she loved that, and carried her through to the bathroom, setting her down on the floor. 'Right Lucy,' she said, pulling a box of wax strips out of the cupboard under the sink and perching on the edge of the tub, 'this is something I recommend you never do, because it hurts like Hell. As your mother, I'm going to tell you now, women should not have to go to these lengths to please a man.' Those beautiful bush baby eyes stared up at her, uncomprehending. 'But you will. Because we all do. Now, if I scream Baby, I'm not being attacked, okay. I'm just pulling all the hair out of my legs by the roots… or being plain crazy, I'll leave the decision up to you.' She'd meant to do this earlier, but it had been impossible to get Ray out of the house, so she would just have to hope that either the redness would have faded or he wouldn't notice. She warmed the strip up, rubbing it between her hands. God, she hated doing this.

She had just finished when there was a knock at the door. 'Hang on, I'm coming.' She hoped it was Luka, not just Ray having forgotten his keys again.

She opened the door, and it was indeed Luka on the other side. 'Luka, hello, thank you so much for doing this.' She ushered him in.

'It's no problem Neela, everyone deserves a night off. You're looking very well by the way, how long until we see you back at work?'

'I've got another fortnight to go. I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of it, but I'm dreading leaving Lucy,' she confessed.

'Just like Abby was with Joe; don't worry about it. I would say it isn't as hard as you think it will be, but that would be a lie. I will say though, that you'll be so busy you won't have a chance to think about it.'

'Thank you,' she laughed. 'That's really put my mind at rest.'

'Glad to be of service,' he grinned at her. 'Now, have you got her things together?'

Neela had already packed an enormous bag full of clothes, toys, diapers, creams and lotions, and everything else that might conceivably be required. Luka took one look at it and raised an amused eyebrow. 'Umm, you do know we have a baby of our own, don't you? At least ninety per cent of whatever you've put in there, we will already have.'

She looked nonplussed for a moment. 'Oh, yes, I suppose you do, don't you?' She bit her lip anxiously.

'Neela, it's fine. I'm teasing you. I'm sure you've been very thorough and packed _everything _we might need… ever.' His grin made her laugh at herself. 'Right, where's Lucy?'

'I'll just go and get her.' She collected her daughter from the bathroom and brought her back through to the kitchen, where Luka was leaning casually against the kitchen worktop. Strapping her carefully into her carseat, Neela suddenly felt reluctant to let her go. It would be the very first time she had been away from her.

She leaned down to kiss the downy crown of her head. 'Bye bye Baby. I'll see you again tomorrow.' She turned to Luka with tears in her eyes. 'You'll look after her, won't you Luka?'

He could see she was upset, so he gave her a quick, reassuring squeeze of her arm. 'Of course Neela. She'll be absolutely fine. You don't have to worry about her at all, just you two enjoy yourselves.'

'I'm sorry,' she sniffled. 'I know I'm being silly, but I haven't left her before. She should be quite good, she usually sleeps through most of the night, but if she plays up, let her listen to the music. The Clash usually works well,' she advised.

'The Clash?' he frowned. 'Should I have heard of them?'

'Don't let Ray hear you say that. I put a couple of CDs in the bag, I know Abby wouldn't have any music like that in the house if she can help it.'

'Right,' he said slowly, not trying to understand. He put the overnight bag over one shoulder and bent to pick up Lucy, settled in the carseat. 'Hello young lady, how are you? Are you ready for your night away?' He got a big smile in return. He looked at Neela. 'That's one great smile she's got there.'

'She loves smiling, she does it over anything, but that might be because whenever she does it, Ray and I go into raptures and give her even more attention than we normally do.'

'Okay then Lucy, say bye to your mum.'

He made his way back to the front door, with Neela trailing after him. 'Bye Lucy, you be good for Abby and Luka now, won't you?' One more kiss, and they were gone.

Now the preparations really began. She dashed around, clearing up all the baby clutter that seemed to be scattered all over the apartment. She gathered together the things to lay the table with, but she didn't do that yet, not wanting to give away the surprise as soon as he got home. Her plan was to shut him in the kitchen and let him cook while she got both herself and the apartment ready.

She looked at her watch quickly. She probably had another half an hour or so before Ray got home. She'd given him a list as long as his arm to try to get him out of the apartment for a while. Obviously, the plans for the nice meal had aroused his suspicions a bit; she didn't demand good steak and even better red wine every night, but she said they deserved a treat and he'd seemed to swallow it without complaint. Whether he thought there was more to it or not she wasn't sure, but she knew he hoped there would be.

Since he had realised his back was better, it had been hard work trying to put him off until tonight, not least because she wanted him just as much. When they had gone to bed that night, he had reached for her immediately, and she couldn't resist letting him pull her into his embrace. Holding her close to him, he sought her lips in the darkness, and she obliged, kissing him deeply. He was still lying on his back, and she was above him, half on, half off his chest, and she moaned softly as she ran her hands over his skin. She moved slightly, and felt him pressing against her thigh.

'Neela,' he whispered. 'Oh God Neela, I've waited so long for this.' He was so breathless he could hardly get the words out, and she felt his heart racing under her hand as he began to roll her over. She knew hers was doing the same, but as much as she wanted him, she tried to cast around for a believable excuse. She had greater plans for this than a quick coupling with Lucy asleep in her cot beside the bed. Lucy. That was it, that would work.

'Ray,' she panted, trying to ignore the way his hand was sliding up her thigh, his rough thumb stroking the sensitive skin on the inside of her leg, until he was just inches away from… If she didn't speak now, she never would. 'Ray, not now. Lucy's here, it's just not…'

The hand stopped, but she couldn't feel relieved. The ache she felt for him was too great to be glad that he'd listened to her. 'Neela?' he asked, sounding confused.

'I'm sorry, I just… It doesn't feel right with Lucy in the room.'

He sighed in frustration, and fought to bring his breathing back under control. If she didn't want to, it was just as well she had spoken then. Any further and he wouldn't have been able to stop. 'There's another bedroom,' he suggested hopefully.

'I'm sorry,' she repeated. 'But no, not yet.'

'Right,' he said shortly, and moved away from her a little. He had stayed silent a long time but she could tell he wasn't asleep.

'Ray?' she asked uncertainly, worried she had angered him.

'It's fine. I might just umm… go and take a shower.' A cold one, he thought.

'I'm really sorry Ray. I…'

'You could make up for it by joining me?' He tried one last time, but knew what the answer would be. She could tell from his light tone that he wasn't mad with her though.

Her silence was reply enough. 'Worth a try,' he shrugged with a smile. 'I'll be back in a bit.'

The night after that had been easier. She had so thoroughly rebuffed him the previous night that he left it entirely to her to dictate the pace, and although they had kissed, well, kind of more than _just _kissed, she gave him no indication that she wanted things to move further, so he didn't allow them to.

Tonight though, tonight was going to be entirely different.

She was in the bedroom, painstakingly curling her hair, when he got back. 'Neela?'

She poked her head around the bedroom door, brandishing a pair of curling irons. 'Have you got everything on the list?'

'Yes.' He frowned at her. She looked like she was getting ready for something. She hadn't curled her hair properly like that for ages, not since she'd moved back in, and since when did she have a shower before dinner, except when Lucy had been sick all over her. 'Neela, is something going on?' He strained his ears, listening through the apartment, and couldn't hear any of the usual happy gurgles that Lucy was forever making. She wasn't much of a crier but she was a very vocal child. 'Where's Lucy?'

'Abby and Luka have taken her for the night.'

'Why…?'

Her face lit up with a sparkling smile, and he thought he knew. 'Because I thought you and I could do with some time to ourselves.'

He stepped towards her. 'Do you have something planned?'

'Did you not wonder why I haven't wanted to before?' She held the curling irons away from them as his hands reached inside her robe and rested on her bare hips.

'I don't know. I suppose I just thought you needed more time.'

'Well, I don't. All I need is you. Now, go and start cooking dinner and leave me to get ready.'

She took her time in finishing her hair, pinning half the curls up and leaving the rest to tumble down her back. Make up was next, and she went for something fairly simple and light; putting it on with a trowel wasn't her style. As far as her outfit was concerned, she had been thinking about it ever since she had come off the phone to Abby. In the end, she'd settled on a simple red dress that she'd bought in a fit of what she'd later thought to be insanity a long time ago and had never worn. It was knee length, sleeveless with a wide, low v-neck and made out of a soft, jersey material. It clung and flowed in all the right places and when she put it on, it made her feel fantastic. She couldn't wait to see Ray's face. She strapped her feet into a pair of high, black sandals and added some simple jewellery to finish the look.

She knew she had been a long time, and figured dinner must soon be ready. She quickly cleared up the mess she had made getting ready and smoothed the bedcovers for later, then stepped out of the room.

When she walked into the kitchen, Ray turned to look at her. 'Wow,' he said quietly. 'Just wow.'


	25. Steak and Strawberries

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Sorry I took a little while to get this chapter up – I didn't mean to leave you hanging; I was working all day Thursday on a trade stand at an agricultural show, and I pulled a muscle in my arm lugging chairs and tables (while the men stood around and bloody watched) so I haven't been able to type well for a couple of days, hence the delay. (NB. A special apology to rayneelafan, who has been bombarding me with requests for the next chapter – I hope this is worth the wait for you!) This was going to be the last chapter, but it was getting really long, so I decided to split it and give you something to keep you going, as it's unlikely I'll be able to update again until Monday or Tuesday.

Ray felt his throat close up at the sight of her. She looked so very, very beautiful. 'Wow,' he managed to squeeze out. 'Just wow.' He didn't know what else to say; the sight of her had entirely taken his breath away. She looked far too stunning for any run of the mill compliment to apply. He was sure he'd never seen the red dress, in fact, he didn't think he'd seen her in anything red before, and it stole his breath from his lungs. He was in love with her, in lust with her, and he loved her. Everything, all rolled into one. He felt indescribably lucky that this gorgeous, sexy, intelligent woman, unlike any he had ever met before, was the mother of his child, and, very soon he hoped, his girlfriend.

She started making her way slowly towards him, and he put down the tongs he had been using to turn the steaks. 'Neela, you look…' He tried again, to no avail. She smiled up at him and took his hands tenderly in hers, their eyes meeting for a long moment.

Then the serious look she was giving him took on a cheeky glint. 'Well, you don't. I'll watch the steaks while you go and have a shower.'

He laughed, and did as he was told. She was all dressed up, and he was only wearing his oldest pair of jeans, ripped beyond what could reasonably be deemed fashionable, and a t-shirt. He thought he might have to pick up his game a bit. At the door, he paused. 'They'll need turning in a couple of minutes,' he said. 'Do you think you can manage that?'

'Just.'

'And keep stirring the sauce.'

While he was gone, she quickly laid the table, using the small amount of matching crockery and cutlery that they had, lighting a tall, thin candle and setting it in the middle of the table. She then dashed back to the kitchen, and was dutifully stirring sauce and turning steaks when he returned.

'You weren't long,' she smiled. He was wearing a clean, pressed pair of jeans with a black leather belt and a crisp black shirt. His brown hair was still a little wet from the shower and as he came closer, she got a whiff of him, and he smelt utterly delicious, a hint of citrusy shower gel, mainly drowned out by his aftershave, but still with some indefinable essence of just _him_ that she adored.

'Couldn't wait,' he answered simply. 'How are the steaks looking?' He leaned over her shoulder to look at them critically. As he did so, their bodies touched and he heard her give a sharp intake of breath, and all he wanted to do was take her in his arms, to cling to her and never let her go, but he made himself wait. They had all night ahead of them.

'Done, I think.'

He prodded one with a sharp knife and nodded in agreement. 'All right then, you go and sit down, and I'll bring the food through.'

When he stepped into the room, plates in hand, he stopped, and smiled slowly. He'd seen the candles set out in the bedroom, and now this; she'd obviously been doing some planning. She'd put some soft, sultry jazz on the stereo and dipped the lights, the candlelight flickering in her dark eyes as she looked across at him. She was standing next to the table, pouring the wine. He set the plates down and pulled out her chair for her. That coffee coloured neck looked to good not to kiss, and as she sat down, he lowered his head to her, and, pulling aside a handful of curls, softly caressed her skin with his lips. As he did so, she wound one of her arms behind her to rest on the back of his neck, pulling him closer and moaning gently as he began to nip at her skin.

When he broke away, she looked around at him, disappointed. 'Dinner will get cold,' he explained, and she let him go reluctantly.

The food was every bit as good as Neela had hoped it would be. The steaks were delicious, and he'd served them with some sort of homemade blue cheese sauce, a great big grilled Portobello mushroom each, and some steamed green vegetables, mange tout and sugar snap peas, and a few stems of asparagus. Sometime, she really would have to ask him where he learned to cook. The conversation flowed easily over the music, and the only pauses occurred when their eyes met and the love and intensity that resided in their respective gazes took the other's breath away. When they had finished with the steaks, he disappeared into the kitchen again, and returned with a tray, bearing a bowl of strawberries and a small jug of cream, a cafeteria of rich, black coffee, and two glasses of brandy.

'Come and sit on the sofa with me,' he asked.

She looked at him a little nervously, but came to sit next to him, settling herself close enough that their bodies touched along the length of their legs. She felt every muscle in her body tauten at the contact, and butterflies were fluttering in her stomach like never before.

He indicated to the food and drink on the tray. 'Which first?'

'The strawberries please, while the coffee brews. Save the brandy for later.'

He leant forward to pick up the bowl of strawberries, brushing her bare knee with his hand as he did so, letting his fingers graze her smooth skin gently, eliciting another shallow gasp. He brought up the bowl to rest in his lap, and offered her a spoon. 'Cream as well?'

'No thank you.' She dived into the bowl and spooned up a strawberry delicately. 'Mm,' she mumbled through her mouthful, 'these are gorgeous.'

'So are you,' he replied seriously, and leaned over the bowl to kiss her. After a moment, he put his spoon down and, without breaking the connection, took her spoon out of her hand and dropped it in the bowl, before moving the whole thing to the low table on which the tray rested.

Now there was no barrier between them, he carefully took her in his arms, one hand caressing her cheek, and deepened the kiss. When he felt her open up beneath him and he thought she was ready, he began to kiss her a little more insistently, his tongue pressing between her open lips and the hand tangled in her hair pulling her closer to him. Very, very slowly, as if he was expecting her to pull away, he eased her back into the sofa, trailing a line of kisses from her mouth and down her throat. He groaned in need at the taste of her, strawberries on her lips.

Neela allowed him to lower her back into the cushions, determinedly pushing her nerves to the back of her mind. The feelings his hands were expertly sending coursing through her were not helping the turmoil in her stomach. As she felt his lips moving against her throat, she tipped her head back further and she realised he was now above her, and she was cradling his lean body with her own. She suddenly felt a frisson of fear grip her, and as he began to ease the strap of her dress from her shoulder, she froze.

He felt something was wrong. Her lips had stopped moving under his, and the thumb that had just been flicking his nipple in a way that caused more pleasure than he thought possible withdrew from under his shirt, leaving an uncomfortable coldness behind.

'Neela? Neela, are you all right?'

Seeing the rabbit caught in the headlights look on her face, he levered himself off her, sitting up and helping her to do the same. He pulled the hem of her dress back down her thigh, covering the lacy top of her stocking. He didn't think he would be able to concentrate if that was on show.

'Umm, yes. No. Yes. I'm sorry. I just… I guess I'm nervous.' She was nervous, she was so nervous she thought she might be sick. He handed her one of the glasses of brandy, and she was reassured to see his hand was shaking slightly. Thank God he wasn't as calm as he looked. Somehow, that helped.

'I haven't… done this for a while,' she admitted. 'Not since Michael.' She thought he probably knew that, but in truth, it had been the greater part of a year since she'd had sex and compared to someone like Ray, it seemed like a long time. She knew he wouldn't care in the slightest, but she felt like she had to say it. She took a good slug of brandy to cover the blush on her face, or at least, create an excuse for it.

His face broke into a wide smile, and he reached out to stroke her face. 'Oh Neela, Neela you silly girl. Is that what this is about?' A small tear began to trickle down her face at his tenderness, and he brushed it away with her thumb.

She nodded.

'I don't care about any of that.'

'I knew you'd say that.' She was still biting her lip anxiously, and he tried not to think about what he would like to do to that lip.

'There's more.' Now it was his turn to look nervous. 'I haven't since… you. Since Lucy happened.' He registered the look of shock on her face and gave her a hesitant smile. 'I bet you didn't know I would say that, did you?'

'But Ray, I remember, I was still here. You went on dates…'

'I told _you_ I went on dates.'

'Oh.' She was surprised, but she knew he was telling the truth. Her mind travelled back to the night she'd come home to find him watching Ghost. She'd assumed he'd been stood up. But he hadn't. He'd been the one to cancel, if the date even existed in the first place. God, if only she'd known. If only she'd realised all this sooner.

'So,' his voice was reassuring. 'We're both in the same boat.' He looked at her deeply, and she knew the very last secret between them had been unveiled. 'I said from the outset we were in this together, and we are, we always will be.'

'Thank you for telling me,' she said quietly.

'That's okay. Now, would you like a cup of coffee?' Inwardly, he sighed. He knew this had to be taken at her pace, but he couldn't help but wish, just a little bit, that her pace could be a tad faster.

As they sipped at their coffee, they fell back into the easy conversation of earlier, and Ray found himself forgetting about his frustration, just enjoying being with her. It was not until much, much later, when the strawberries, the coffee and the brandy were all exhausted, and there was no more skirting around things, that his unending patience began to waver.

He stood up, finally deciding to take the initiative. However nervous she was, he knew how she felt about him, and he knew that, at last, tonight was their night. He held out a hand to her. 'Come with me Neela.'

As soon as he got up, she began to busy herself gathering together the cups and glasses in front of them. 'I had just better tidy all this up,' she said, rosy cheeked, without looking up at him.

'Don't worry about it. I'll do all the dishes in the morning.'

'No, no,' she breezed. 'It's fine, I don't mind.'

He bent over to take the glasses out of her hands, setting them back on the tray himself, then entwining his fingers with hers before she could pick up anything else.

'Neela, come with me.' His tone was darkly passionate, brooking no refusal, and when Neela finally summoned up the courage to look up and meet his steady gaze, she felt the nerves in her stomach suddenly melt away, to be replaced by something else entirely, and refusal was the last thing on her mind.


	26. Together

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Here's the long awaited final chapter, which is, I'll warn you now, M rated. There will, however, be an epilogue, so I will say all my thank yous then, and now, just get on with the chapter. Oh, and the first chapter of the prequel to this story is now up, Back to the Beginning. Please have a read and leave me a review.

She let him pull her to her feet, and just as she had done herself on the first night she had invited him to share her bed, he led her by the hand to the bedroom. The hand that gripped hers was cool, certain of itself, and she lost herself for a moment in the feeling of his skin. Once he had shut the door behind them, he took her elbows gently and manoeuvred her around to sit her down on the bed, planting himself next to her.

He placed his hand under her chin and brought her face up to meet his gaze. 'Neela, we can take this as slowly as you want. If you don't want to do this yet, then I understand. I said I'm happy to wait, and I am. But I have to tell you, I want you, I want to make love to you. Tonight. Now. I _need _to make love to you.' His tone was full of concern for her, but he couldn't hide the lust, and love, in his eyes, which were blackened with desire, pupils wide.

In reply, she smiled at him. 'It's okay Ray. I'm ready. I love you and I'm ready for this, for us. I want us to be a real family, I want us to be together.'

His heart turned over in his chest at her words, and he knew he was lost forever. 'And I want to make Lucy all over again with you. I want a dozen Lucys. You and our daughter are the very best things to ever have happened to me, and I'm not ever going to let you go.' He bit his lip uncertainly, afraid to bare his soul so completely.

She smiled at him, and leaned forward to briefly kiss the worry from his face. Before he could return the kiss though, she broke away and stood up. He watched her as she struck a match and made her way around the room, lighting all the candles she had dotted around the place. She blew out the flame just as it was about to reach her fingers, and on her way back to the bed, she turned off the light, leaving the room lit only by the flickering, dancing flames of the candles.

She walked back towards the bed very slowly, and Ray sat back, taking in every inch of her, from those sexy high heels up her stocking clad legs to the narrow waist, exquisite breasts, the tantalising show of skin at the top of her dress right up to her beautiful face. Her figure was a little fuller since she had had the baby, but only a little bit, and the curves were in all the right places. She stopped in front of him, and leant forward to kiss him, offering a generous glimpse of cleavage as the dress fell away from her a bit.

That was it, he couldn't wait a second longer. His arms darted out and grabbed her, all carefulness and concern gone, pulling her to him. 'Neela, God, I love you. I love you _so _much,' he choked out.

She clung to him, desperately trying to pluck at the hem of his shirt, needing to feel his skin on hers again, at last. 'I love you too Ray. I always have,' she gasped as one of his hands closed over her breast through the material of her dress.

Those were the last words either of them managed for a while. Lips collided fiercely and they allowed the passion to take over. His shirt was the first thing to go, her nimble fingers undoing the small buttons before peeling it off his shoulders and down his arms, exposing pale skin that she was quick to kiss. He groaned deeply in her ear, and she felt the vibration of it move up his throat as her lips moved over his voice box and across to suck and nip at the corner of his collar bone.

He felt her start to arch her back, thrusting her hips up at him, and he pressed back, already beginning the rhythm. He began to run his hand up her leg, under her dress, letting his short nails graze the silk of her stockings. When he reached the skin at the top, he heard her moan quietly, then again louder as he continued to pull his hand upwards until, gently, he laid his palm on the hot, wet lace at the juncture of her legs. She pressed herself against his hand, begging him to touch her, but he declined her request.

'Not yet Neela,' he whispered into her ear, his breath tickling her skin. With a wicked smile, he kept his hand there a little longer just to torture her. When she started to whimper in need, he withdrew it and began to search the side and back of her dress for a zip or fastening of some kind. When he couldn't find one, he held himself away from her for a moment, and, tugging at the dress, frowned down at her. 'How…?'

Smiling at his inability to deal with female garments, she helped him. The material of the dress had some elasticity to it, and it wasn't difficult to pull over her head. When it was gone – somewhere into a dark corner of the room, they weren't sure where, although hopefully not too near a candle – Ray had been intending to make the most of new skin now available to him, but he couldn't help but pause for a moment, drinking in the sight of her. She was beautiful beyond words, a thin film of perspiration glistening on her skin from the heat of their passion and her chest rising and falling quickly with ragged breaths. She still had a slightly rounded stomach from the baby, and for some reason he couldn't pinpoint, the sight of it moved him. He moved himself down her body, relishing the feel of her skin against his bare chest and, holding her hips tightly, kissed it, working his lips over the gentle rise.

When he worked his way back up her body to meet her lips again, she lowered her hands to the buckle of his belt, undoing it, and then his jeans, pushing them down over his hips. He stood up for a minute, and finished what she had begun, returning to her quickly.

She couldn't wait any more. Sitting up, she reached behind her back to undo her bra, and when he realised what she was doing, his own hands snaked over her dark caramel skin to give her a helping hand. Then the rest of her underwear joined his boxers on the floor and their moment had arrived.

He hovered above her, holding himself up on his forearms, poised. 'Neela?' He asked permission, and that he could pause, even now, at the height of his passion, to consider her feelings, made her love him even more.

She ran her hands over his back, feeling the muscles playing under his skin, holding him close to her, and nodded her answer. 'Please…' she whispered.

As he slid into her, she cried his name, and he heard his own voice in some sort of strangled sob. As he felt her surround him, he was just … devastated. They had spent so long working towards this, been through so much and now, at last, he was where he wanted to be, and he didn't want it to ever stop. He wished he could make this last, not embarrass himself in his eagerness, but with the first slow thrust, he knew it was fighting a losing battle; it had been too long and he loved her too much.

'Neela,' he gasped, and he felt her hands tangled in his hair, nails digging lightly into his scalp, pulling him down to her into a hot, long kiss, and their tongues entwined as their bodies were, as their souls were.

As Neela felt the pleasure rising within her, her dark legs around his pale waist, forcing him deeper into her, she felt something else as well. Her eyes were beginning to burn and she knew tears were sparkling on her lashes. The closer she got to climax, the closer the tears were.

And then she came, and as her body was racked with waves of pleasure, she felt a great sob rising in her throat and the tears leaked from her eyes. She clung to him, her hips still rocking, and carried on kissing him through her tears.

He felt her tighten around him and he was gone. He let go of himself, and when his eyes flickered open, he saw her crying and he broke away from her lips to kiss away her tears. But they were flowing too hard, too fast to stem the flow and he soon found it was impossible to hold back the tears that he had been on the verge of and all of a sudden he was crying as well, and, unable to stop, he dipped his head to mingle his tears with her own.

It was a long time before both their pleasure and their sobs had subsided. They lay there in a tangle of limbs, breathing slowing, heat cooling. He held her gently, an arm around her waist, and the other creeping up her belly, one finger drawing idle circles around her nipple. He was watching it in the candlelight harden beneath his touch. Her dark hair fanned out over his arm, tickling his skin and his heart was bursting with love.

'I'm sorry for crying Ray,' she said eventually.

'Don't be sorry.'

'I just…'

He kissed her hair. 'I know. Me too.' There was a lump in his throat and he had to make the effort to force the words over them.

'I love you.' She turned in his arms as she spoke so she could look at him. The candlelight danced in her dark eyes, and he saw a love in those deep brown depths that he knew that, whatever happened, whatever hand they were dealt, it would always be there. He bent his head to kiss her, a slow, sensual kiss filled with love.

'I love you too Neela.'

Ray felt her gradually drift off to sleep in his arms, but he wasn't tired. He lay there, too happy to sleep. He couldn't believe after all the hurt and pain of the last year, they were now together, living together, sleeping, together, being together, and with a beautiful, intelligent baby daughter to bind them even closer.

He knew that the future might not be as easy as they would like it to be. They both had demanding jobs that took up far more of their time than, now, either of them would like, especially if he went for the Chief Residency next year, which he thought he probably would do. It was between him and Abby, and he suspected, with Joe, Abby wouldn't be too interested in it. And besides work, there was still Neela's parents to tell. Of course, they knew she'd had a baby, but he'd heard her on the phone to them, and she was deliberately vague. He hadn't met them, but he'd got a fair idea of what her father was like over the phone and Abby had and she'd told him to be warned.

But none of that mattered, he was just so, so happy. He'd never had much of a family before. He was an only child, his dad hadn't been much cop, and his mum, well, she tried hard, but she didn't always pull it off. And now, he had a family of his own making, and he couldn't have dreamed of a better one. He said a little prayer, he wasn't sure who exactly to, but he simply asked whatever higher power that was out there, that they could stay as happy as they were right now.

There was one more thing that could add to his happiness. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not, whether it might be too soon, but he thought that now, eventually, they had reached a place where there were no more secrets, no more doubts. He would wait a bit, just to make sure, but in the meantime, he would ask Abby when her next day off was. If he was going ring shopping, he would need her help.

Neela woke to the smell of pancakes, just like she had every morning for these last two months. Except this morning, there was one massive difference. She felt almost drunk with love, her limbs were aching, her lips swollen, and there was a smile on her face that wouldn't fade. She sat up, propping herself up on pillows in preparation for breakfast, pulling the tangled bedcovers up to cover herself.

She looked up to see Ray standing in the doorway, tray in hand, watching her. He wasn't wearing any boxers, but had a sheet wound round his waist, dangerously, tantalisingly low on his hips. 'Don't do that,' he said in response to her tugging the sheet to cover her chest.

She smiled back at him. 'I don't want to get crumbs in the bed.'

He put the breakfast tray on her lap and moved round to his side of the bed, crawling in beside her and yawning.

'Tired?' she asked him archly.

'A little.'

'Have trouble sleeping did you?' She leaned towards him, and kissed him soundly, her teeth teasing his lower lip until he groaned and his eyes slid shut.

'Well, I had better things to be doing,' he murmured distractedly as she trailed a line of delicate kisses along his jawline.

'And what might that have been?' Her lips had reached his throat and she had to use a hand to steady the breakfast tray.

'Not what, who. You.'

She broke away from him for long enough to put the tray on the floor, where it was safe. Then in one quick movement she let the sheet fall away from her and she was straddling him, laughing at the surprised look on his face.

Breakfast was _very _cold by the time they got round to it.

'Crap, Ray, we're going to be late.'

He caught her round the waist as she rushed past him, and pulled him to her. 'Don't sweat it, it'll be fine.' He nuzzled the crook of her neck, drawn to the mark that his teeth had made there sometime around dawn. At least, he thought it was that time; there had been quite a few.

'Abby said to pick Lucy up before four. It's already quarter past three; we'll never get over there in time.' Her tone was still exasperated, but she wasn't fighting his embrace, and she nestled into his body, a half smile on her face as she felt his fingers start to creep under her shirt.

'Well if we're late,' he growled into her ear, 'it's entirely your fault. I was ready to go an hour ago. It wasn't my fault that you came out of the shower and…'

They both laughed. They'd almost lost count of the number of times they'd tried to leave the house, well, not exactly lost count, this was attempt number four. They were working on the principle Abby wouldn't mind. She had told them to make the most of it after all.

But now, all they really wanted to do, apart from jump back into bed, which, unfortunately, wasn't entirely practical, was to get Lucy and bring her home, and get started on the rest of their lives. Together.


	27. Forever

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Now, as you know, I never normally write epilogues, but a little while ago in this story, I set myself up with a scene that makes, I think, an ideal epilogue that actually ties in rather than is there for the sake of it – I hope you all agree. And now, onto the thank-yous. I want to thank everyone who has read and reviewed this story; the amount of reviews I have received for this has absolutely blown me away, you've all been amazing, and, as always, the response really makes the writing worthwhile. The prequel to this story is now underway, Back to the Beginning, which I would love it if you would read, and of course review. Can I also take this opportunity to plug another of my stories, The End, which is a little unconventional, but I personally think in terms of quality, it's the best I've got up here, so I'd love it for you to all go and check it out. Right, having said all that, I will stop nattering and get on with writing.

The soft, hot smell of late summer was in the air, and there was a hint of a thunderstorm beginning to brew in the humid, heavy atmosphere. The heat was having a soporific effect on her, although it was a little cooler where she was sitting on the veranda. A large, leafy tree was casting the corner of the house in shadow, and Neela was making the most of the shade, sitting back on a large, comfortable deck chair, her feet up on a small table with a cushion resting on top of it. Her hands lay on her massive stomach; she'd never been heavily pregnant through the heat of the summer before, and she couldn't wait for it to end. The baby, now at thirty six weeks, was kicking crazily; he was obviously hating the heat just as much as she was, and was equally eager to get out and see the world as Neela was for him to.

Drifting over to her, she heard the girls' voices coming from the sandpit at the bottom of the garden. Squinting against the light, Neela watched them. Lucy was six years old now, and she could barely believe it had been six whole years since her life had changed so incredibly. She still shuddered, even now, when she thought how close she had been to giving it all up. When they had picked Lucy up from Abby and Luka's that afternoon, they had brought her home, and their lives together had begun. Ray's old room became a nursery as soon as they had the chance to redecorate, and after a proposal, on the roof of the hospital of all places (strangely right, despite what one might initially think) so beautiful that it still brought tears to her eyes when she thought of it, they got married in a small, understated ceremony shortly after Lucy's first birthday.

Then, a little while later, Neela found out she was pregnant again, and the four year old Jas, well, Jasminder really, but they always called her Jas, was playing now with Lucy. As soon as they knew she was on the way, they decided, with a pang of regret, that the apartment really wasn't big enough anymore, and they had moved out here to the edge of the city. Neela adored their house here. She had been scared to leave the apartment; it had been such a _home _to them, but the house turned out to be even better. It was a beautiful, three storey property, with a huge garden, perfect for their growing family, and painted in a pale primrose yellow on the outside, with all the rooms a riot of bright, primary colours that along with the children's laughter and Ray's music, brought the place to life.

Both she and Ray were attendings now, still at County, him in the ER and her in Surgery. Northwestern had been trying to poach Ray for months now, dangling all sorts of important sounding titles as a temptation to him, but he wasn't interested. County was home, to both of them. It brought them together, and it was where they wanted to be, as simple as that. Maybe one day, that feeling would change, but they couldn't see that happening in the near future.

She heard Ray come out of the house behind her, and make his way across the wooden deck.

'Hey babe, how are you feeling?'

He held out a tall glass of iced tea to her, and she took it gratefully. She took a sip and sighed blissfully; it was just what she needed. Better still was the feeling of Ray right behind her, and she leant her head back, resting it on his lean, hard stomach.

'Thank you,' she said, referring to the drink. 'I'm fine thanks. Someone's feeling active this afternoon.'

Ray leant over her, and reached down to lay his hands alongside hers on her stomach to feel the movement. They already knew the baby was a boy. Ray said he was pleased, that he had had enough of being outnumbered and he was looking forward to a son to help redress the balance a bit, but everyone knew he adored his daughters. They were both absolute daddy's girls, and the apples of his eye.

As he put his hands on the great dome that her belly had become – she had been small with both the girls, but she had no such luck this time around – he felt the kicking strongly, just as she had said. 'I think you've got yourself a little soccer star in here,' he joked, smiling at her. Having been indoctrinated by their mother from an early age, both of the girls were relatively into soccer, but not as much as he knew Neela had hoped. All Lucy wanted to do was learn to play the guitar.

'Good,' she replied firmly. 'You've got your rock chicks, I get my soccer star; it's only fair.'

After staying there a while, until the activity ceased, Ray's hands gradually moved away from her stomach, and she felt him behind her, and his strong arms wrapped around her. He nuzzled the crook of her neck, kissing her gently just in the spot he knew she liked, and she felt, suddenly, an odd feeling of déjà vu, as if somehow, she had been here before.

Of course, they had sat in this spot a million times, probably in this exact pose at one time or another, but there was something distinctly familiar about this particular moment. And then, as she looked over at the girls, making sandcastles in the bright sunlight, it came back to her.

She'd dreamt this once, all of it, the sandpit in the garden, the shade of the tree and the white picket fence. Ray and the girls, and the new baby who she hoped would be putting in an appearance sooner rather than later. She even remembered when she'd had the dream; it was the very first night she had asked Ray to share her bed, when, both of them gripped by nerves, they had fallen asleep in each other's arms.

God, look at how far they had come since then. Then they had been new parents, tired and emotional, both too scared of causing each other or themselves any more hurt, thinking they had been through quite enough of it, to be honest and face up to what there was between them. They had lived in a small, messy apartment in an area of town that wasn't exactly top of the home hunters' list, and were struggling to survive on the combined salaries of an R3, and a surgical intern on maternity leave. Now, Neela had everything that she had ever dreamed would make her happy. She had a kind, caring, gorgeous husband who she loved beyond all else, and who in return absolutely cherished her, and two, soon to be three, wonderful, intelligent children. Their careers were going well and they owned the most beautiful house she swore she had ever laid eyes on. They had a wide circle of friends, and she was completely, utterly _happy. _She thanked whoever it was up there that dished out such luck for them every single day for how things had turned out.

Abby had told her once that whatever you do, whatever you throw at it, love will win out in the end, against the odds. She and Ray had had some incredible odds to overcome, but they had managed it. And it was so, so worth it.


End file.
